Vampires vs. Zombies

There are not many valid reasons to watch a movie that you know heading into it is going to stink. One of those reasons (and quite possibly, the only one) is to mercilessly mock the horrible acting and the restraints of the shoestring budget. I thoroughly enjoyed "Zombie Town" because even though it was a bad movie, it was entertaining in its badness. You could tell the creators love movies and tried their best to make a good one. They just couldn't afford it and made due with what they had. They had a plot, a climax and even some backstory. Everything about the movie was bad, but they kind of knew it, which made it all the more fun.

On the other hand, there is no joy in Vampires vs. Zombies. Faced with the same budget constraints as any independent film, they chose to spend the money on a blender with no lid, threw their script into it and produced a movie that is so incomprehensibly bad, it's not even funny. First of all, [SPOILER ALERT] there is absolutely no interaction between the vampires and the zombies in a movie that is entitled VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES! If that's not a cardinal sin in itself, then get this- the zombies have nothing to do with the "plot" of the movie. I use plot in quotations because the things that do happen make no sense at all- but I COULD figure out that it had nothing to do with zombies. It would be like Twilight taking place in the mall from Dawn of the Dead with none of the characters ever noticing the undead running around. Even Jack and Rose eventually noticed that the Titanic was sinking. This film takes place during a zombie plague but has nothing to do with a zombie plague, except for when a character hears news about it on the radio or runs over a zombie for fun.

Even worse than the zombies being a non-factor, was the fact that the movie is boring and makes no sense. I can't even begin to explain how unexplainable this jumbled mess is. I'd be happy to try if you would like to contact me personally, but make sure you have a first aid kit for when my ears start bleeding.

Nevertheless, there are some LOL moments of low budget hilarity that I was able to glean from this brain-numbing experience, which I will now present in list form. I implore you to just take my word for it and never give this movie even a minute of your time.

-The movie's about vampires, but takes place exclusively in the daytime, where the vampires are fully functional monsters.

-There is a long (and boring) scene where the three mains are trying to hide a dead vampire they killed from a cop. [I thought something nefarious was afoot because the cop was the same lady who played one of the mastermind vampires, but in the end, I think they were just re-using an actress] Anyway, they get out of that jam without being discovered. Later, as they approach a soldier in the road, one of the girls mentions how the dead body is no big deal if its discovered because they killed in self-defense.

-The movie was made in 2004, but somehow the cellphones look like one step up from the Zack Morris special.

-One character kidnaps another and throws her in the backseat of the car where she cannot, for the life of her, open the doors to get out. Later, when it turns out to be mistaken identity, he tells her to get out of the car and she does. So either she was too panicked at first to figure out how to unlock a door, or they didn't show the guy off-screen hitting the lock button on his keychain over and over again.

-Two of the mains are traveling in an open-topped Jeep, so naturally you would not be able to hear what they were saying if they were traveling over 5 mph. What they are saying is how they will catch up to Dad in no time flat.-One girl has no less than ten dream sequences which she wakes up startled or screaming from every single time. She even wakes up from one while behind the wheel of an automobile. I guess it was fine since they were only going 5 mph.-One girl saves her companions from a vampire only to kill them both in the very next scene because she's in cahoots with another vampire. So, for one thing, why did she bother to save them? Did she want that extra sting of betrayal to send them to hell with? And secondly, the film would have been more accurately titled Vampires vs. Other Vampires On the Backdrop of a Zombie Plague.

-During one of the dream sequences, the main girl finds the bathtub filled with goo. She goes downstairs and tells dad, "There's something in the tub." Dad bolts upstairs as if he has just been told his collection of baseball cards is on fire. Next time the toilet is clogged, I'm calling 911.


Okay, that's all I can think of for now. This was much more fun to write than that movie will ever be to watch, so I guess I'm thankful for that, but overall, I'd say I now have a civic duty to make sure no one ever watches Vampires vs. Zombies on purpose. Learn from my mistakes!

As a movie: 0
As a horror movie: 1
As a zombie movie: 1 (I'd give it a 0 but there are zombies in the movie-it's just hard to tell)
As an indie movie full of unintentional comedy: 3
As a movie a horny 14 year-old boy would watch to try and see boobs: 2 (There's more vampire lesbianism than zombies, but even still, it would only be hot if you had never seen a boob before, including in the movies)