You've Got Pictures

  As you can see, I finally got some pictures in my e-mail from our wedding extravaganza.  I have also been playing around with my wife's digital camera.  Me finding out how to put pictures in an entry has opened a virtual Pandora's box.  I promise this will be the end of the pictures for a while.  :)

   #1  The Bride walking down the aisle with her father.

  #2  The Flowergirl and the Ring Bearer make their way to Mt. Doom... or the altar, I forget which.

 #3  Here is a picture of the actual ceremony.  Look closely and you can see the BEST man digging in his pocket for the rings.  That guy is smooth.

   #4  Presenting the newlyweds...and the back of somebody's head.

  #5  The first dance

  #6  The best looking of the bridesmaids- my sister, Erin and her boyfriend, Ron Weasley.

  #7 My mom's best friend, Kathi and her husband, Marty.  I like Kathi because she always boosts my confidence.  Telling me I lost weight when I haven't and gushing over my writing no matter how awful it is.  She's the Paula Abdul of my world.

  #8  The cakes.  One is the real one and the other has the Simpsons on it.  I quipped to my brother, "They made a special cake for you to ruin."  Only true fans of the show would get that reference and we both are.

  #9  I got tired of everyone forgetting to take my picture, so I took one myself this morning.  The double chin is just the angle, I swear.

  #10  I also took a picture of myself yesterday.  What can I say?  I'm an arrogant bastard.

  #11  I let Kasey use the camera...but only if she took a picture of me...

  #12  Finally, this is Homer 2.  He's a little skittish, but at least he's alive, which is more than I can say for Homer 1.

So Far...

  Weddings and exhaustion have kept my weekly list of favorite songs on the backburner for a while so I thought I'd try to make up for it today by highlighting some of my favorite songs so far this year.  The year is already 1/3 of the way over, but we are going to try not to focus on how depressing time flying by actually is.  Here now, in no particular order, are my early nominees for best songs of the year.  Though with 8 months to go, it is unlikely that even half of these will make my year-end list.  Nevertheless, I like these songs and think you should listen to them.

  "Evil"  by Interpol  Interpol : Antics : 'Evil'  My daughter loves this video because it has a puppet.  And if that doesn't make you watch a video, I don't know what will.

"Ohio is for Lovers" by Hawthorne Heights  Hawthorne Heights : The Silence in Black and White : 'Ohio Is for Lovers'  AOL actually debuted this song late last year and I didn't really care for it.  Now Sirius plays it a lot and it has been drilled into my head.  Repetition often breeds results, kids.

"The Bucket" by Kings of Leon  Kings Of Leon : Aha Shake Heartbreak : 'The Bucket'  A lot of great music must come out over the summer and fall to make this one drop out of its Top 10 potential for 2005.  I LOVE this song.  I also get quite a kick out of Kasey singing '18 balding star'.

"Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy   Fall Out Boy : Evening Out With Your Girlfriend : 'Sugar, We're Goin' Down'  I like to think that this band is named after the obscure Simpsons character, but I'm not going to bother to find out.  Catchy song, even if I have no idea what they are saying other than the title.  Something about a gun...

"Walking With A Ghost"  by Tegan & Sara  Tegan & Sara : So Jealous : 'Walking with a Ghost'  I have liked this song for a long time, but hearing it cross over to the Sirius pop station and on TV shows makes me believe that these twins are going to be HUGE.  But I saw them first!  Check my old Top Tens! 

"Chocolate" by Snow Patrol  Snow Patrol : Final Straw : Chocolate  Sometimes you just like sappy love songs in spite of yourself, and this is the third time SP has done that to me!  The video is chaotic and will certainly hold your attention.

  "Sunnyroad"  by Emiliana Torrini  Emiliana Torrini : Fisherman's Woman : 'Sunny Road'   I already know that this song is guaranteed to be on my Best of 2005 CD at the end of the year.  I have until then to prepare myself for the ridicule I will suffer when I play said CD at work.  But I can't help it- I love this song, and I love saying 'Emiliana Torrini'.  Try it; it's fun.

"All That I've Got" by The Used  The Used : In Love and Death : 'All That I've Got'  I don't think I will ever love a Used song as much as I love 'The Taste of Ink', but this one is a solid second.

"Jerk it Out"  by Caesars  Caesars : Paper Tigers : 'Jerk It Out'  I expect this song to be a mega hit for the entire summer.  It's just a lot of fun and it sounds like something you would hear blasting out of people's cars in the 'windows-down' weather.

"Dakota" by Stereophonics  Stereophonics : Language. Sex. Violence. Other? : 'Dakota'  I don't entirely love this song- for now it's pleasant background music that I wouldn't turn off.  I'm leaving it room to grow on me.

"Love in a Trashcan" by The Raveonettes  The Raveonettes : Pretty in Black : 'Love in a Trashcan'  This song has got a little surfing vibe going for it.  I don't know how else to explain it but that's what I think of when I hear it.

"Finding Out True Love is Blind" by Louis XIV  Louis XIV : The Best Little Secrets Are Kept : 'Finding Out True Love Is Blind'   How can you not get at least one chuckle out of a song that promotes racial harmony through promiscuity?

 

Other Contenders I have no comment on:

"Honest Mistake" by The Bravery  The Bravery : Bravery : 'An Honest Mistake'

"Galvanize" by The Chemical Brothers  The Chemical Brothers : Push the Button : 'Galvanize'

"Daft Punk is Playing At My House" by LCD Soundsystem  LCD Soundsystem : LCD Soundsystem : 'Daft Punk is Playing in my House'

 

Even More Contenders (whose songs are not available on AOL):

"Decent Days and Nights" by The Futureheads

"You Can't Steal My Love" by Mando Diao

"I Predict A Riot" by The Kaiser Chiefs

"We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service

"Strange Design" by Midnight Movies

"Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well"  by Mike Doughty

"Worlds Apart" by ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

"Spit it Out" by Brendan Benson

Long Weekend

  This weekend was an interesting contrast compared to the one before it.  The wedding weekend was full of fun and adventure and this one that just ended was full of work and misery.

  I don't talk about work much because it's boring- not that being there is boring, but it just doesn't make for interesting things to talk about.  Anyway, about six months ago, Wal-mart changed up the way trailers get sent to Centerpoints (that's the area I work in).  This move greatly affected my schedule for reasons I won't go into.  The bottom line is, instead of walking in on Saturday morning to 30-40 trailers to unload with more coming in all weekend, we have been walking in to 10 or less with nothing coming in until Monday afternoon. 

  Up until this point, it has been the post-Christmas slow season for the entire place and everyone has been taking long-term voluntary lay-off or burning through vacation time.  But this weekend, things picked up for the rest of the place and they pulled that old line on us- you are all Wal-mart associates and you have to staff the building where needed.  So every single one of us, who had gotten so used to taking our time on stuff and mopping the floors to kill the hours now suddenly got sent into the bowels of the warehouse where no one goes voluntarily. 

  On Saturday, my boss shut us down completely and sent the entire department to the shipping dock for back-breaking labor.  Sunday and Monday were in different places, for me anyway, but there's just something about not doing what you normally do that makes the day drag.

  Also, I was sick Sunday night and went to bed almost immediately after I got home.  There's an entire day of my life I'll never get back.  

  I'm getting bored just writing this, so I'll get to the worse stuff.

  Homer the hamster is no longer with us.  Poor Kasey had to learn about death just five days after getting her new pet.  My wife is pretty sure we can return it for a new one since we have the receipt.

  The capper to the weekend was finding out that my father got fired from a job he loved.  I won't go into why, but it sounded really unfair.

  The only good news is that my cousin's friend who I mentioned in the wedding entry has come up with some stuff and when I see it, I might finally have a cover for my book. 

 Homer, we hardly knew ye.

 

Chewbacca mourns our hamster.

More Wedding Pictures and a "Surprise"

  Last night I remembered that my wife also had her digital camera at the wedding, so I decided to take a look and see what was on there...

First, on my Thursday night trip to Wendy's, I got a peek at the cook preparing to make the chili:

 Then I finally found a picture of me giving that fantastic toast:

 

  The reception was a wild scene!  On the left you can see that the bride and groom couldn't wait to get their hands on one another:

  

  The other day as my wife was getting out of work, she called and asked if she could bring home a surprise.  I thought, "Cool- pizza."  What the surprise actually was, was my worst nightmare.  I have nothing against animals- I just don't want them in my house.  We tried a cat and got rid of it for being too crazy.  We got rid of a puppy for being too destructive.  And we got rid of our fish because they died.  Now, what the hell is this thing supposed to do?

  No, it's not a rat.  It's a hamster.  It's name is Homer, and I hate it.  D'oh!  I can already tell this is not going to end well.  The cage got put in the bathroom last night because rodents like to run in noise-making wheels in the middle of primetime television.  And this was done by someone who wanted the thing...

     

  Special thanks to Lisa for helping me become an old pro at putting pictures into my entries...as long as it worked.  :)

My one weakness

   I love ice cream sandwiches.

Thursday Afternoon

- I am not going to re-post my recap of last night's LOST repeat.  If you need it, you can find it here: LOST - LOST- Episode 16: Outlaws

- Not much going on, but I figured I should put something in here since I haven't written since Monday night.  Honestly, I've been waiting for more wedding pictures but no one has sent any yet.  I was thinking about posting what I said in my toast, but I would like a picture of me doing it to accompany the entry. 

- Yesterday, as I was mowing my dead lawn, I said to myself, 'We really need some rain- this April has been kind of dry.'  After lunch, it started raining for the rest of the day.  Either I have a direct line to God, or I have powers I am not fully aware of yet.

- We finally watched Closer last night.  I say finally because we have had it rented for a week and a half.  I thought it was a really great movie, but then, I am a sucker for moody character pieces.  I recommend it... with the warning that the language is quite graphic.

- That's all for now.

 

PS- Jewelsl85 is bad at checkers.

THE GREAT BIG WEDDING ENTRY

  As much as I would love to pepper this entry with pictures, I can't do it just yet.  My wife's camera only took pictures of Kasey and forgot about me and the bride and groom.  When I get sent some other pictures of other people, I will put them up.  I looked totally hot.  And now for my weekend...

  PART 1: THE TRIP

  We left our house at 7 o'clock on Thursday.  First stop was my mom's house.  We arrived in time for the second half of Survivor.  Way to hang in there Stephanie!  Though she almost blew it all for some pizza...  After that, I went and got us Wendy's in my pajamas.  I might as well have gotten dressed though since I ended up getting dragged to Wal-mart in spite of all my best pouting and whining.  It was okay because my wife's quest for shoes to match her outfit ended surprisingly quickly and I needed a notebook and eyedrops anyway.

  The next day we were off on the meat of the trip.  From Albany to New Jersey.  I usually dread this trip because a car ride with Grandma means the four-year-old gets to pick what we listen to.  But not this time.  Amazingly, I was allowed to take my Sirius along with me.  Everyone else may have been grumbling, but I was pacified.  Besides, I had the most to be nervous about of everyone in the car, so I should have gotten my way!  At any rate, the ride went fast for me.

  The first thing we had to do was pick up my tux.  Man, I looked good!  A little too good, which forced God to give me a few pimples so I wouldn't upstage the groom with my sex appeal.  I looked good in the tux, but it's just not my world to be dressed like that.  I even had trouble with the cufflinks and a clip-on tie.  The lady had to do it for me, but she didn't show me how to do it myself...I guess she never heard that Teach Me to Fish proverb thingy.

  After we picked up the Groom (who had nothing to do because the Bride was out getting nails done and whatnot) we headed off to the hotel to check in.  I had forgotten how much New Jersey traffic sucks.  Bergen County is way too populated and you could add ten minutes to a five minute trip just trying to merge onto the highway.  But we made it.  Little did I know, I was in for the funniest moment in family history since my mother mixed up the word 'cob' with the word 'muffin' and asked if we were done with our corn on the muffin.  Only this new moment would belong to my father...

  I was casually getting ice and soda when I saw my dad getting out of the elevator, having just arrived seperately from us.  We exchanged pleasantries and then way too soon for him to have gotten to our room I hear him pounding on a door and using his playful police voice: "Open up!"  Who is it?  "Never mind, just open up!"  Yes, my father was knocking on the wrong door because he had read 209 where it said 229.  Before I could even get over there, he was hastily apologizing to a startled black man.  Once I saw that my father was not going to be injured or arrested, I just about collapsed in hysterics.

PART 2: THE REHEARSAL

  After allowing enough time for traffic we never hit, we arrived at the church for rehearsal.  I don't know about anyone else, but running through everything that was going to happen made me feel more apprehensive.  Only I could screw up something as easy as holding your arm out for a woman to take, but I did it on my own wedding day and I did it again during my practice run as the BEST man.  And they still wanted me to hold on to the rings!

  Dinner was in an upstairs banquet room at Charlie Brown's Steakhouse.  I didn't even know they had rooms like that at a steakhouse and was only a little let down that I wouldn't be having steak.  My mother told me I could go downstairs and buy my own steak, but I thought that would have been rude.  Though lacking in steak-like qualities, the food provided was quite good. 

  Then the Bride and Groom gave me my presents, which is really the only reason to be in a wedding party at all, truth be told.  I received a lovely golden case with my name on it which contained some playing cards.  I plan to take the cards out and use it to hold...something the size of playing cards.  I also got a box set of miniature action figures of Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kreuger and Leatherface.  Classic horror rocks!  Toys rock!  I love it.

  I was not done getting stuff, though.  The Bride and Groom handed out a quiz to see how well everyone knew them.  With a minimal amount of answer-comparing with others at the table, I was able to take home the prize with a score of 12.  My brother seemed quite pleased that his BEST man won.  The prize was a picture frame and the Martina McBride CD that has their wedding song on it.  Girl stuff!  I was hoping for more horror memorabilia.

    I should also mention that Kasey the Flowergirl was getting along with the Ring Bearer famously at this point.  She announced going in that she was sitting next to him and they played together all night.  After he left, she was playing with any older guy she could find.  I have to watch this one already, I can tell.  Also, as we were about to leave, I found her shouting Arrested Development quotes at the priest who would preside over the wedding.  Nothing says 'bad father' like a four-year-old screaming "I ain't your daddy!" in a puppet voice to a priest.  Oh well- it's all good.  I was just happy she explained to him what the quote was from or that might have seemed really strange! 

PART 3: THE WEDDING

    Finally, the big day came, and after hastily writing down my toast in the bathroom, then hanging around watching the end of TOYS starring Robin Williams  (man, how do some movies ever get made???), we got ready.  Things went smoothly, except when I stepped on Mom's dress in the hall.  In my defense, it was too long!

  Small town churches book things tight, I guess, and we ended up waiting outside the church for over half an hour as a funeral went on inside.  By the time it was over, it was the exact scheduled time for our service and everyone was out there colliding.  A little awkward seeing the sad people trying to make their way through the happy people, but there were no fights.  I was one of the first inside and was immediately thought to be the groom.  Told you I was hot.  I corrected their error and we were on our way to the front of the church to hide from the arriving Bride.

  Groom and BEST man both admitted that we had to pee and considered the possibility that it might be a really long time before we got a chance to.  So we checked every door for a bathroom but were thwarted at every turn.  At one point, I even propped a door open with a brick so the Groom could run downstairs to the basement bathroom.  Unfortunately, all the doors were locked down there too.  Ten seconds after he came back, mass started and we were sent out.

    I did not screw up the linking arms, thank God.  I was really self-conscious about that part.  Father Jim screwed up way more than I did- even mixing up the names at the start of the vows, telling the Groom to start, 'I, Laurie...'  Plus, my father stepped on mom's dress way worse than I did because she almost fell.  I had one word to say, "Do you have the rings?"  "YES."  That went smoothly.  The ceremony was beautiful, my little Flower Girl behaved and did well, and I didn't screw up the exit arm hooking either. 

PART 4: THE LIMO: 

  We could tell right away that the limo ride was going to be interesting.  When we got in, the driver asked us which way to go.  I didn't quite catch this, but my sister says he said, 'I know the way, but I'm too tired to remember'.  That wouldn't be the worst part, however. 

  Kasey started it, but the girls were getting just a little too excited about passing by the hotel we were staying at.  One lean-over to see and a hard brake later, and my cousin's girlfriend had spilled champagne all over my sister's dress.  They spent most of the trip trying to dry that off.  It stained, but luckily it was hardly noticeable and dried quickly.

  As for the driver, he ended up going the right way, while the other two limos made a wrong turn.  We ended up being the first ones there.

PART 5: THE RECEPTION

  Cocktail hour was held in an epicly gorgeous hall in a Garden of Eden-like atmosphere.  I didn't get to see much of it though, because the wedding party got dragged off for pictures.  I wasn't in as many of them as I thought I would be as the BEST man...but man did we end up being hungry.  The queen of the waitresses was very nice and brought a plate of food out to us...just as the photographer shouted, "I need the entire party now!"  It would have been funny if not for being so torturous.

  Next we were herded downstairs to prepare for introductions and we finally got to pee!  As we were lining up, my sister's partner- the Bride's brother- took a call on his cell phone and actually said, "I'm in my sister's wedding- I'll call you back."  At the top of the stairs, the Ring Bearer started throwing a temper tantrum and wanted no more to do with any of us.  He would only stand there and cry so I had to grab him under the shoulders and toss him down the stairs to his dad, who was also in the party.  It was funny, but I regretted that I had to be seen before I was introduced.

  What wasn't fair about all of this is that while everyone else got to loosen up and have fun at this point, I still had to be nervous about my toast.  I can't tell you how many times I checked my pocket to make sure it was still there.  Thankfully, my part came almost immediately after that 'first dance' crap. 

  Though I swear it wasn't my voice coming out of the microphone and my hand was shaking more than Michael J. Fox, I somehow managed to knock it out of the park.  My brother hugged me, and all night I kept hearing how great my toast was and that you can tell I'm a writer.  I brought everyone to tears and laughter with my gift for words and I was proud. 

    I don't dance.  But thankfully, most of the others in the bridal party didn't either.  After making sure that I wouldn't have to participate in any stupid games (because there were none), I was content to sit back and try to enjoy the food- which I didn't get to do at my own wedding!  The DJ didn't talk to me at all, which was great- I think he was too distracted by the Lesbians.  The party was a lot of fun- I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time and even managed to network without having to do anything.  I got not one, but two offers to have a cover designed for my novel by a professional lay-out artist.  I was glad, because so far we have paid this publishing company a lot of money to do absolutely nothing.

PART 6:  THE END

  When things were finally over, and the people setting up for the next party practically kicked us out, it was time for the after-party.  But first, it was back to the hotel.  On the way there, we saw a midget.  An honest to God midget, Jewels!  Then a lot of us hung around the room and watched The Price is Right Special.  Later we went to the hotel bar, but my wife and I didn't stay long because it was too loud and smoky and Kasey was clearly not going to stop dancing at any point unless we forced her to.  That's right- while every other kid was sleeping by the end of the reception from all the running around and dancing, Kasey was still raring to go at the hotel bar.  I'm sure I said this already, but we will have to watch her for sure.  She threw a tantrum to end all tantrums back at the room, and then fell asleep two seconds after putting her head down.

  There are many more stories to be told, because a lot of stuff happened.  I didn't even mention one of my cousin's not being able to come because she had her baby on the eve of the ceremony.  The baby and mom are doing great and are home by now.  April 16th is going to be a VERY special day from now on, that's for sure.

  I will be back as the days and weeks goon, as we obtain more pictures and I remember more stuff.  For now, I am wiped out!

Home at last!

  We have arrived home from the wedding safe and sound.  Good time was had by all.  Now I get to go to work tomorrow for 12-14 hours.  Tuesday will be the Great Big Wedding Entry.  See you then.  ;-)

Good-Bye

  Just a heads up to all my peeps...God I can't pull that off.  ...To all my friends out there, I will not be around at all for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Not that I post much on those days anyway, but this time it is definite that I am going to disappear for a while.  I am heading off to NJ to be my brother's best man.  The whole thing is very sweet and should be a lot of fun, but the evil side of me is thinking somewhere in the back of my head:  No computer at all!  My God, the Lost board will have 1000 posts for you to sift through when you get back.  You will have 25 e-mails and they will all be Journal Entry Alerts.  I might as well call in sick on Monday!  That's why I am asking, for my sake everyone, please go camping or something and don't let my mail box and message boards pile up.  I'll make it worth your while!

Well, wish me luck!  All the pressure is on me this weekend since the poll taken by brides reveals that the best man's speech is always the worst part.  *sweating already!*

How sad was this entry, homies?  Oh, that was even worse!  I just can't be cool.  I've officially become a computer geek.

See ya!  Drive safe?  I will, thanks.

LOST- Episode 14: Special

*Originally posted, um, sometime in January...   LOST- Episode 14- Special

  Previously on LOST: That whole Ethan and Claire thing happened.

  This week's eyeball belongs to Michael, who is searching the jungle for his son.  A-Story quickly runs into B-Story when he finds Charlie looking for Claire's bags.  They get nothing out of each other so Michael moves onto Jack, who wants to get an early jump on talking to everyone on the island this week.  He hasn't seen Walt either.  Michael asks him if he listened to his father when he was ten and Jack replies that he may have listened a little too well.  A boy is missing and still these people think only of themselves.  Boo hoo, I can't find Claire's clothes to smell.  Boo hoo, my dad was a jerk.  Anyway, Hurley makes his Kramer-like entrance with a "Yo, dudes!" that would have brought the house down had their been a studio audience.  He is having a golf match (winner gets the last deodorant) but the men have already forgotten the lesson he taught them about lightening up and they blow him off.  Michael goes off and Hurley comments that the guy really hates being a dad.

  Michael continues the search and flashes back to ten years ago when he and Walt's mom were shopping for baby furniture.  Everything he wants is expensive, but not to worry- he is giving up his art for some construction work while she finishes law school.  He then casually drops in how he wants the boy's name to be Walt, after his father.  She, in turn, reveals that she wants the boy to have her last name.  Michael speculates that this is why she won't marry him.  The mood is light, but the heavy groundwork for trouble has been laid.

  Ten years later, Walter Lloyd is being taught how to throw a knife by Locke and his new best buddy, Boone.  He is not doing too well until Locke tells him to picture it in his mind's eye.  The next throw is perfect, but the celebration is short-lived because Michael catches them at it and sends Walt back to camp.  Michael reacts with dismay and horror and even goes so far as to brandish the knife in Locke's face.  Now a loyal Locke subject, Boone attacks and things look like they could get ugly.  Locke calms everyone down and tells Michael that Walt likes him best because he treats him like an adult and realizes his potential.  Michael doesn't seem to care about potential, he just wants Locke to stay away from him and his boy.  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  You know the episode is loaded when they return from commercials in mid-flashback.  Poor Michael's happy world is collapsing around him.  Baby Walt's mom has accepted an international law job in Amsterdam without consulting him and furthermore, she is taking her son with her.  Since they are not married and he is not steadily employed, there is nothing he can do about it.  Cherry on top- she wants to break up.

  Back to reality- Michael watches his son sleep and is approached by Sun.  Jin must be fast asleep because she asks him if he is okay in English.  He is feeling a little down about his lack of connection with Walt and resolves that the boy cannot grow up on Crazy Island.

  The next day, Sayid is blah blah blabbering about the maps again to Shannon and Jack.  Putting them together makes a triangle, which Sayid thinks could be the power source.  Michael comes along and mocks them about settling down there and suggests that they build a raft.  The cool kids think this is a pretty dumb idea, but Mike is undeterred- he will build it by himself.  Elsewhere, Walt is entertaining himself by looking at the Spanish comic book again.  Michael asks for his help, but pauses momentarily when he realizes that his son might have an interest in art.  Walt continues to ignore him, however, so Michael gets frustrated and re-focuses on getting the boat started.

  Michael then flashes back to a streetside call from a pay phone, where things have gone from "Tough Break" to "God Hates You" in an awful hurry.  First, Mom won't even put the baby on the phone to hear Dad's voice- then she is forced to admit that she has been seeing someone else- the guy who hired her.  This is all too much for Michael, who resolves to come to Amsterdam to fight for his son.  Unfortunately, before he can make it five steps, he gets run over by a speeding car.  Quick aside here- how come when Will Ferrell gets run over in Elf, it's hilarious, but when it happens on LOST, it's horrifying and disturbing?  It's the same scene- what's different?  Mood and tone, I suppose.

  On the beach, Charlie finds out that Kate moved Claire's bags but he still can't find her diary.  They immediately and correctly assume that Sawyer took it.  Sawyer seizes this chance to mock and taunt Charlie over what Claire wrote about him.  They each get a punch in before Kate breaks it up and gets Sawyer to admit that he really didn't read the thing.  Elsewhere, Walt is bored helping his dad so when he spots Locke and Boone, he excuses himself to go and get some water.

  Locke and Boone arrive back at camp where Boone is confronted by his sister about them coming back empty-handed yet again.  She suggests that they help Michael build the raft, but having drank Locke's Kool-aid and being free of his sister's burden now, he not-so-politely refuses.  Walt approaches Locke, but is told to respect and obey his father's wishes.  Unfortunately, Michael catches them together and flips out.  He does not want to hear Walt's explanation or Locke's feeble "giving him a pencil for you" cover-up.  He tells Locke that if he catches him with Walt again, he'll kill him.  Kill Locke, that is.  I hope you got that without my explanation.  Locke walks away and Walt calls his dad a jerk, asking where he's been his whole life.  Michael reacts with anger and demands to be obeyed.  He takes the comic book and chucks it into the fire.

  Michael watches the page with the polar bear on it burn and thinks back to his stay in the hospital where things went from "God Hates You" to "God Hates You and Amuses Himself by Repeatedly Kicking You in the Groin".  A nurse watches him draw a picture for his son and suggests that he should put in a lame penguin joke since he doesn't know what to write.  What's black and white and red all over?  A penguin with a sunburn.  Oh, how I long for the sophisticated humor of Hurley needing someone to pee on his foot!  Anyway, Walt's mom stops by without even having the decency to bring the kid.  The good news is, she's paying for Michael's hospital stay.  The bad news is, she's doing it out of guilt because she is marrying Brian and he wants to adopt Walt.  Michael wakes from this happy memory to be told by Hurley that Walt has run off.

  Michael makes his way over to Suspect #1- Locke, only to learn that Walt is not there.  Locke, never the kind to hold a grudge, suggests that they go look for him.  Michael, now aware that Locke was respecting the man's wishes earlier by telling the kid to buzz off, reluctantly accepts the help.

  Back in Cavetown, Charlie thanks Kate for her help with Sawyer and they share a little heart to heart.  Charlie is so enamored with Claire now, (absence makes the heart grow fonder) that he doesn't even care that Kate touched his leg when she got up.  After she's gone, Charlie humorously struggles with the temptation to read Claire's diary and finally has to hide it and walk off.

  In the jungle, Walt is walking along peacefully until Vincent the dog begins barking furiously at a disturbance in the brush.  The leash breaks and Vincent runs off.  As Walt gives chase, he flashes back to the time when he was living in Australia with Mom and Brian.  He would like them to pay attention to his bird project, but the adults are too busy foreshadowing Mom's death to notice him.  The tension of no one paying attention to Walt builds until it is broken by a bird slamming into the glass on the back door.  Brian looks disturbed by the dead bird, but more disturbed by Walt, who just happens to be studying the exact same bird in his schoolbook.  Back in the jungle, Walt calls for Vincent and looks frightened when he hears some non-doglike growling.

  The flashbacks just keep on coming now as Michael is visited by Brian, who comes bearing the bad news of Susan's blood disorder and death.  He tries to pull a fast one by telling Mike that Susan wanted Walt to be with his real father, but Michael knows a lowlife when he sees one and confirms that this is really Brian trying to unload the kid.  Brian admits that he only loved Susan, not Walt.  Plus, the kid is just downright creepy.  Sometimes when he's around, things happen.  (Could it be that he is Special?)

  The search continues in the jungle- Michael finds the leash Walt dropped.  They hear Walt cry for help and go running toward his voice.  Michael flashes back one more time, this time to his first encounter with his son in ten years.  The nanny gives Michael the box of secrets he was seen looking into last week.  He looks through it sadly, then steps outside to meet Walt.

  Back in the jungle, Walt is hiding inside a cluster of trees while a polar bear paws at him.  Locke stops Michael from yelling and points to a nearby tree they can climb to get a better view of the mauling.  Michael allows himself to be led because he is too busy thinking back to that awkward reunion again.  Michael kindly covers for Brian by saying that it was Michael's own idea to take the boy home with him.  As payback, when he finds out that Vincent belongs to Brian, he allows Walt to take him anyway.

  Back to where the action is, Michael and Locke are precariously walking across a branch to get directly above Walt.  Michael, coming full circle in his position on knives, drops one down to his son for protection.  Locke then grabs some vines and Michael climbs down to get Walt.  Michael secures his son in the vines and Locke hoists the boy up.  Just before a commercial break, the bear strikes harder and closer and Mike looks like a goner.

  My wife thinks this is a terrible ending, but I remind her about the extra three or four minutes.  During this overrun, Michael stabs Polar Bear Part 2 and it runs away.  Walt apologizes but Michael is just glad he is safe.  When Walt expresses concern that Vincent ran off, Locke reminds him that the dog came back once and will do it again.  Michael and Locke smile and nod at each other like two mental patients passing in the hall.

  Night has fallen and Michael comes over to his son to finally give to him the contents of the box of mysteries.  It's every letter, card, and drawing he ever sent but Walt never got because of his mom's strange and unfounded anti-dad agenda.  Mike points out that while she didn't let Walt see them, she also didn't throw them away.  Walt doesn't care for the penguin joke either. 

  Elsewhere, Charlie has given in and is happily reading Claire's private innermost thoughts.  He is especially happy to see that she really likes him because he is adorable and sweet.  His mood changes when he realizes that Claire had a dream about a black rock just like Sayid talked about Rousseau mentioning.  He brings this to Jack and Sayid's attention, even if it earns him a rep as a bloody scum diary-reader.  Charlie and Sayid speculate that the black rock could be where Claire was taken, but Jack dismisses the notion of running out into the dark jungle at night to find her. 

  He's barely done saying how foolish that is before we see Locke and Boone out looking for Vincent with Locke's makeshift dog whistle.  *ALERT*  Seemingly Throwaway Dialogue, but Probably Not Really....

Boone: I don't think that whistle is working, John.

Locke: You can't hear everything, Boone.  The sooner you learn that, the better.

Anyway, they hear some rustling in front of them and it doesn't look like a dog...it's bigger...it looks human...it's ....

CLAIRE!  Claire is back, looking a little worse for wear, but okay enough to walk.  Too dark to tell if she is still pregnant, though.  Fade out to the title screen...

News and Notes

  -I deleted the link to my new quiz- my wife informed me that it wasn't working properly.  If you really, really want to take it, e-mail me and I will invite you.  Special congratulations go to Brandy for getting every single answer wrong.  That takes a special kind of bad luck. 

- For the second week in a row I've put a quote from the new version of The Office in my banner.  I am finding the show quite funny- believe it or not, I work for a boss that is kind of like the one on the show.  Just this past weekend he was mocking a co-worker's religion.  I mean Jehovah's Witnesses have it coming, but it was really inappropriate!  Anyway, I think this show is really fighting an uphill battle 1) because it's in the shaky single camera, Arrested Development style that puts off a lot of people.  And 2) any built in audience it has will inevitably judge it against the British version and want to hate it for being inferior.  I've only seen the British version once or twice but I've laughed at both shows and I think there is room for both in this world.

- I had a pen explode on me this morning.  I can't believe we still have inferior pen quality in this day and age.  Damn you, Bic. 

-Today is a LOST rerun.  I am starting to sympathize with all the complainers.  But I'm not complaining, just sympathizing.  This will give me an oppurtunity to check out Stacked.  I have agreed in principle with Fox that if I watch this show, they will renew Arrested Development.  It's an oral agreement that wasn't heard on their end because of the distance, but I'm sure they'll keep their word anyway.  *crossing fingers*

-3 days until the wedding of the year.  In my family anyway.

- I wanted to finish this entry with a big bang, but I got nothing.  Coming later today will be a re-post of Lost's rerun.  Whoop de doo! 

This Week's Top 10

1. Sunnyroad- Emiliana Torrini- Emiliana Torrini : Fisherman's Woman : 'Sunny Road'

2. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- Kings Of Leon : Aha Shake Heartbreak : 'The Bucket'

3. Decent Days and Nights- The Futureheads- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

4. Love in a Trashcan- The Raveonettes- The Raveonettes : Pretty in Black : 'Love in a Trashcan'

5. Jerk it Out- Caesars- Caesars : Paper Tigers : 'Jerk It Out'

6. Strange Design- Midnight Movies

7. Worlds Apart- ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

8. Spit it Out- Brendan Benson- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

9. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

10. Evil- Interpol- Interpol : Antics : 'Evil'

 

Realplayer Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

Bigtime- The Soundtrack of Our Lives

Everyday I Love You Less and Less- Kaiser Chiefs

Freakin' Out- Graham Coxon

Car Underwater- Armor for Sleep

FLASHBACK

Cornershop : When I Was Born for the 7th Time : 'Brimful Of Asha'

Behold the Power of a Man!

  I've been feeling manly lately.  Maybe because spring is in the air, or maybe because of my newly found super-human strength.  I think we've all dreamed of being a super hero at one time or another, but for me, I actually became one. 

  It was time for Kasey to register for kindergarten, but we needed her birth certificate.  Where is her birth certificate?  In a locked safety box that we received for just this kind of important document upon the birth of our child.  Where is the key for this box?  God only knows. 

  That's where I come in.  I set that box on the floor and proceeded to rip it open with my bare hands!  Repeat: my bare hands!  No flimsy aluminum lock was going to come between my daughter and her education.  I'm a man and I had to do what I had to do for the sake of my family.

  But things didn't stop there.  Now confident that I had asserted myself in this household, yesterday I called my wife after she got out of work and demanded she bring me home a turkey sub.  She didn't, but still, I think she knows who the boss is now.  I know she doesn't want to see my manly pout again.

  And the word is spreading about my verility.  Not a day goes by where I don't get an instant message from some poor lass whose man can't satisfy her.  They practically beg me to look at their webcams and visit their porno sites.  I do tell them to leave me alone, but it's still an ego boost.  I've even seen my wife get the same messages...if they can't have me, I guess they want someone close to me.

  In the last eighteen hours alone, I have made my wife's car payment for her, put motor oil in my car and done my own laundry.  Yes, move over world, there's a man coming through.

 

SURVIVOR:  My wife and I have agreed that the producers changed their mind about a standard ten player merge just to see if one tribe could be completely wiped out.  It's kind of cool and sad at the same time.  Poor Stephanie.

PROJECT GREENLIGHT: The casting director proved last night that she is totally not cool.  She blasts Gulager all this time about not being open-minded and wanting to cast his family too much...then she goes behind everyone's back to get her friend cast in a role no one wanted her for.  It's low and she is the one who came off looking unprofessional last night.  Other than that, not too exciting.  The previews looked good since they finally start shooting the movie.  Can't wait to see Jason Mewes and Henry Rollins trying to work with a director who doesn't know what he's doing.

LOST- Episode 20: Do No Harm

  Previously on LOST:  Locke and Boone pondered how to open the hatch and Boone had a little accident.

  The show begins with a direct continuation of last week- Jack has frantically gone to work on the severely injured Boone.  He barks orders to Sun, Kate and Hurley who do not share Jack's calm under fire and hesitate just enough to get on the doctor's nerves.  The mood is tense.  Jack sends Kate off to get Sawyer's stash of alcohol.  Just then, Boone's lung collapses and Jack somewhat ironically performs the tracheotomy Boone was so eager to try on Rose in the pilot episode.  Kate acting like a deer in the headlights at this gruesome scene gets yelled at to get going.

  To take his mind off the pressure, Jack flashes back to a tux fitting where his best man reminds him that he can still back out of the wedding.

  Boone is so badly injured it is hard to know where to start- Jack works on his broken leg, while Nurse Sun suggests he sew up the chest wound.  Boone seems to be slipping away, so Jack looks him in the eye and tells him he is not going to die.  "I am going to save you."  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  Over at the beach, the boat boys are taking a fish break (except for workaholic Jin).  Claire stops by to ask how much longer until the craft is ready and Michael tells her it could be a week or less.  She walks off and Sawyer smugly says that she likes him.  Michael tells Jin to relax, but he waves him off.  Sawyer can't blame the guy for wanting to get off the island ASAP after what Sun did to him.  Kate interrupts the conversation and demands all of Sawyer's alcohol.  Even the selfish con man can see the urgency of the situation and provides the supplies- no questions asked.  He even offers to come, but Kate says there's too many cooks in the kitchen already.

  Back in the Cavetown O.R., Jack realizes that Boone will need a transfusion- a tricky thing to accomplish on a deserted island.  He decides to set the broken leg first, but he is so clearly fatigued that Nurse Sun forces him to take a break.  Jack steps away and is immediately given the third degree by Charlie on Boone's condition and the locations of Locke and Shannon.  Jack yells at him and flashes back to what I suppose is the rehearsal dinner where his bride-to-be tells the story of how they met.  It's the classic romantic tale:  Boy meets girl while saving her from a broken back suffered in a horrific car accident.  Boy gets girl because she falls in love with her rescuer.  She even concludes the speech by calling Jack her hero.

  Jack prepares to set the broken leg when Nurse Sun suggests giving Boone a stick for the pain.  Jack condescendingly says that they're beyond herbal remedies, but Sun one ups him by putting the stick in the boy's mouth to bite down on.  You can visibly see Jack's respect for Sun's abilities growing.  He tells her to hold Boone's shoulders, and then it's Lights, Camera, Bone-setting!  Boone cries in agony; outside the tent, Hurley shakes his head and covers his ears.  The scene is gut-wrenchingly well done.  (That's a compliment)

  Elsewhere, Kate, realizing the position of Resident Klutz is probably wide open now, decides to trip and break most of the alcohol bottles in her backpack.  As she is salvaging what she can, she hears grunts of pain and finds Claire all alone and going into labor.  Kate tries to get her pointed toward Jack but she is not cooperating and can't move anyway.  Kate screams for help- a cry heard only by Jin, who is now somehow the only one on the beach.  See Jin run.  Run Jin run.  See Jin stop to let the camera swirl nauseatingly around his head.  See Jin run some more.  Kate is happy to see someone and communicates to him to get Jack.  He even helps her out by saying "doctor".  Confident that he understands, Kate sends him off and assures Claire that she is not going to leave her.

  Back in the O.R., Jack and Sun are desperately trying to get Boone to tell them his blood type, but the young man is barely conscious.  Jack is also getting frustrated because his homemade bamboo needles are not strong enough to penetrate veins.  At that point, Boone manages to squeeze out an "A....negative", so Jack tells Sun to find Charlie and ask everyone their blood type.  He adds, "Find Shannon." 

  That might be a difficult proposition, however, since Sayid has picked this evening to lead Shannon to a remote island location where they can be alone at the picnic site he has set up.  He seems to be having trouble finding his way through the woods, which he also did on the way to Rousseau's in "Numbers".  Can we say 'running gag'?

  Charlie returns to Cavetown with the information he has gathered but it is not very helpful because hardly anyone knows their own blood type- including Charlie himself.  Fortunately, Jack's is the universal type O. (now Jack and I share a haircut and a blood type)  The transfusion might not work and could actually kill Boone, but it's all they've got.  I have to reveal my aquatic ignorance here, but Sun returns with what I guess is some kind of sea urchin....the point is, it has points and will make for very good needles.

  As he hooks himself up, Jack thinks back to a little post-party piano duet with Sarah (his girl).  She tells him that he doesn't have to write his own vows, but he says that he will- he just needs time.  He then looks longingly at an old lady getting out of a car, and Sarah assures him that his father will come.

  Jin finally arrives at Cavetown with the news about Claire.  He and Sun are able to put their differences aside in this state of emergency and Sun plays the role of translator.  Jack gives childbirth instructions to Charlie and says that Kate has to deliver the baby since he can't leave Boone.  The shrill violin notes don't like the sound of that.

  Night has fallen and Claire is optimistic because her contractions have stopped....then her water breaks, complete with sound effect.  Over in the O.R., Jack makes sure Boone is breathing and Boone does him one better and starts talking.  He painfully mumbles on and on about the hatch and the plane, but we can't be sure if Jack believes him before Boone starts robotically repeating his sister's name.

  Speaking of Shannon, she has to stop a make-out session to tell Sayid the true nature of her relationship with Boone.  He kind of loves her but she doesn't feel "that way" about him.  She leaves out the part about them gettin' it on.  Anyway, she wants to take it slow and Sayid agrees, saying he only brought her there with hopes, not expectations.

  Elsewhere, Kate is shocked and panicked that Jack is not coming, and Charlie has the unenviable task of convincing her that she has to make the delivery.  As they argue, they notice that Jin has taken the initiative and is helping Claire.  Though they can't understand each other, Claire reveals her fear that Ethan and company may have done something to the baby.  Kate steps in and says that they are all scared, but they have each other to get them through it.  A real Care Bears moment if I ever saw one.

  Boone is not responding to the transfusion because all his blood is being pumped toward his broken leg.  Jack knows that Boone was not injured in a fall- something crushed his leg.  Sun rips the tube out of Jack's arm and tells him he has given him enough.  Jack sends Hurley to get Michael, then flashes back to a pool side chat with Dad- who is making his second appearance as a wise and sage-like drunk.  Jack is still having problems with the vows and asks if he should get married at all.  Dad tells him that commitment is what makes Jack tick, but the problem is that he can never let go.

  Back to reality- Jack rips the rubber safety strip off the door of a storage compartment that has magically appeared at camp.  I swear I've never seen it before, but maybe it's just me.  Anyway, Jack tells Michael the plan....amputation!  Sun seems horrified that Jack would do this, but he doesn't notice because he is too busy testing his makeshift bonesaw on a piece of wood.

  Back to Claire now and Kate is ready for her to push.  Unfortunately, Claire is not- she even tries holding her breath to stop the proceedings.  Seems she thinks that the baby will somehow know that she wanted to give it up and will in turn reject his mother.  Kate reminds her that the baby will also know that it is wanted right now.  She also says that Claire is not alone and the baby belongs to all of them.  So now the pushing and screaming begins.  Charlie wants to help, but Jin holds him back.

In the O.R., Jack and Michael prepare for patient transport.  Sun shows Jack that Boone has been coughing blood- indicating internal injuries that Jack can't fix.  It is too late to save him.  Jack whips out the LOST catchphrase, which to this point has been a Locke exclusive: "Don't tell me what I can't do!"  The transport continues as planned.  Jack gets Boone into position and watches Sun walk away in disgust as he prepares to drop the door down.  

  In this moment of hesitation, Jack flashes back to his wedding ceremony.  Sarah's vows are done and now it's an unprepared Jack's turn.  He admits he is unprepared because he doesn't know how to let go.  Not sure that makes sense, but anyway, he tells Sarah that he will always love her and they kiss.  No word on if that constitutes an official marriage- the scene ends before the ceremony does.

  Jack is just about to drop the guillotine when Boone tells him to stop.  He knows he cannot be saved because of where they are and he is letting Jack off the hook on the promise he made.  Jack finally stops the madness and apologizes to Boone.  Boone tells him not to be sorry.

  Back in the jungle, the pushing is almost complete.  Claire gives that famous last big push and Kate erupts with joy and wonder as the baby comes into her arms.  It's a touching moment as mother meets son so we'll forgive Kate for not cutting the cord or even clearing the nose and mouth like Jack said to do.  Jin extends a hand to Charlie but instead Charlie enthusiastically hugs him.

  On the opposite end of the spectrum, Jack is laying Boone back down on the operating table to say his last words.  A screw-up to the bitter end- Boone is unable to finish.  All he can say is, "Tell Shannon..."  Jack holds back the tears and closes the young man's eyes.

  The final scenes of the show are too emotional for words- melancholy music is all we hear as Claire happily brings the baby to the beach for everyone to see- extras and that old softy, Sawyer included.  Hurley points Jack toward Sayid and Shannon who are returning home hand in hand.  The doctor grimly walks over and breaks the news.  Cut to Shannon all alone with her step-brother's body.  She breaks down in agonized tears.  ( But I didn't!)

  Jack is alone on the beach crying when Kate approaches.  He says the baby is beautiful and healthy but she is not buying the cover and asks if he wants to talk about Boone dying.  Jack stands up and says that Boone didn't die....he was murdered!  Not sure that makes sense either, but he's had a long night.

  Kate:  Jack, where are you going?

  Jack: To find John Locke.

THE END.

"Coming" on LOST, which means not next week, but in a damn month: Jack tackles a blood stainedLocke and demands to know what really happened.   Sawyer grabs Kate's arm and accuses her of trying to get his spot on the raft.  Jack realizes that the key to the gun case is gone from around his neck.  And Sayid holds a gun to Locke and appears to shoot him.

The Quiz

I've never used the expression, "There will be a test."  But that's because I prefer pop quizzes!  Follow the link and see how well you've been paying attention:

QuizYourFriends - Take your friend's quiz

Common Sense Tip of the Week #1

Store your frozen pizzas in the freezer horizontally.  If you put them in the fridge vertically, they thaw out and fall down inside the box.  This only applies if you prefer your pizzas to be round.

The Oath

My top ten music chart is on hiatus this week, due to lack of time and energy.  Instead, I invite you to go to Fox's new website for Arrested Development and take an oath of loyalty.  Take the pledge, sign up for the newsletter, receive a discount on the Season 1 DVD (which you should of course already own) and watch some hilarious bizarre promos spotlighting Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and David Cross' characters.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT :: FOX Broadcasting Company

RIP Mitch Hedberg

 Zap2it.com MOVIES | MOVIE NEWS | STORY

Well I just read some terrible, terrible news that unfortunately is not an April Fool's joke.  Mitch Hedberg, one of my favorite stand-up comedians, is dead of apparent heart failure at age 37.  I have been waiting for Comedy Central to replay his special so I can record.  Since I'm sure they will now replay it sometime soon- I feel like I made that wish on a monkey paw.  I have listened to his albums numerous times while hanging out here or playing video games with the sound turned down.  I would try a lot of different comedians, but Mitch was always one I would come back to over and over again- laughing quite hard no matter how many times I had heard the jokes.  I am going to share some of the great stuff from the album I'm listening to now and hope that someday down the road, I will be able to hear this again without becoming a little sad.  I'm sure a brief transcription is not going to do justice to Mitch's deadpan style. 

-Have they told you that we're recording a CD?  So you might pick this up and not recognize your laugh.

-They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime but I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that.

-I like refried beans but I wanna try fried beans because maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time.

-I went to a pizzeria and ordered a slice of pizza- the f'er gave me the smallest slice possible- if the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f'er gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice.  'I would like to exchange this for the "Keep it"!'

-I saw this whino; he was eating grapes.  I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

-Fish are always eating other fish.  If fish could scream the ocean would be loud as sh*t.  You would not want to submerge your head- nothing but fish going, "Awww f**k!  I thought I looked like that rock!"

-The Kit Kat has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate.  That robs you of chocolate!  That's a clever chocolate saving technique.  I'll go down to the factory- "You owe me some letters!"

- I bought a house- it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you?  F you, real estate lady- this bedroom has an oven init!  And this bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV.

- I got a king-size bed.  I don't know any kings, but I guess if one came over, he would be comfortable.  'Oh, you're a king, you say.  Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you.  It is to your exact specifications.  I didn't realize you guys were all the same size.  I think I can set your lady up too.'  When I was a boy I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was.

- I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm going to put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

-Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? ..."Prices and participation may vary".  I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.  I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner.  I'll say, "Cheeseburgers?  Nope!  We got spaghetti! And blankets."

- I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much.  Three honks, that's the limit.  Then somone cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens.  You're like, "Sh*t!  I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

- I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches.  That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg- potential lunch winner"  Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch...if I'm lucky.

- I shouldn't do this joke because it's going to ruin my cover but, I like the FedEx driver cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

- I remixed a remix- it was back to normal.

- They said you can have this product in four easy payments of $19.95.  I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one f'n complicated payment.  "We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch.  The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination.  Good luck!..."

- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

- I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am and the sign said, "Sorry, we're closed."  You don't have to be sorry.  It's 3am and you're a dry cleaner.  It would be ridiculous of me to expect you to be open.

- I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.  I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

-  I'd like to see a forklift lift up a set of forks- it'd be so damn literal!  You'd be using that machine to its exact purpose!

- I'd be a [terrible] mechanic.  If someone brought their car into me and said, "My car won't start" I'd say, "Well, maybe there's a killer after you."

- I had a job interview, the lady asked me where I saw myself in five years.  I said, "Celebrating the fifth anniversary of you asking me this question."

- I was in downtown Boise, Idaho and I saw a duck.  I knew the duck was lost because ducks ain't supposed to be downtown- there's nothing for 'em there.  So I went to a Subway sandwich shop and I said, "Let me have a bun."  But she wouldn't sell me just the bun.  She said it had to have something on it.  It's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun- I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch.  So I said, "All right, well put some lettuce on there."  They did and she said, "That'll be $1.75". I said, "It's for a duck."  They said, "All right, then it's free."  See, I did not know that.  Ducks eat for free at Subway.  Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich.  "Let me have the steak fajita sub.  Don't bother ringing it up- it's for a duck!"

- I have no trouble not listening to The Temptations- which is weird.

- It's like X wasn't given enough to do so they had to promise it more.  "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but we will give you a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe.  And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses.  And you will mark the spot.  And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier.  And incidentally, you will start 'xylephone', are you happy?"

- I'm sick of following my dreams- I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.