Sick! Sick in the head!

  -No audio show last week.   1) I was and still am suffering from a bad head cold.  2) Just never seemed to have any free time last week.  Either my wife called in sick, my sister-in-law cut class or my brother came to visit.  Never had time to plan the show, let alone record it.  Fortunately, this may only disappoint a minimum of three people, one of them being myself.

-Monday has now usurped Thursday as the go-to night on TV.  My plate is loaded on Tuesday morning with Prison Break, 24, Heroes and Studio 60.

- Two movie recommendations.   The first is Idiocracy (2006).  A comedy from Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead and cult classic Office Space.  This film got a suck-ass "limited release" rivaled only by Project Greenlight's Feast, but it wasn't buried because it was a bad movie, that's for sure.  It's about how an average Joe from today Rip Van Winkle's himself to the year 2505 to find that America has been dumbed down to the lowest common denominator and he is now the smartest man alive.  It is hilarious and not to mention something to think about.  How far can commercialism, casual swearing and just plain stupidity go?  The future world presented in Idiocracy may not be too far-fetched.    Grade: A

 

The second recommendation is The Wicker Man (2006).   Nicolas Cage plays a traffic cop summoned to help find a missing girl on a mysterious island inhabited by a matriarchal cult.   Premise- interesting.  Trailer- intriguing.  Box cover- creepy.  Film- HORRIBLE.  Everything about this movie doesn't work and most surprsing of all is the terrible acting pooped onto the screen by the normally reliable Cage.  ( I was thinking about it before the nominations, but he earned a well-deserved Golden Raspberry for this garbage, which I whole-heartedly endorse.)  So why am I recommending the movie then?   Because it crosses that oh so wonderful line.  Yes, it's so bad that it's good.  The last half hour is a goldmine of unintentional comedy.  If you don't mind the "surprise" ending being spoiled, you can sample the high/lowlights on Youtube:    YouTube - Best Scenes From "The Wicker Man"

Grade as a thrilller: D   as unintentional comedy: B+

Needs More Survey!

1. Do you drink milk?   With cereal or cake.  I like chocolate milk a lot.

2. Do you prefer apple or orange juice? I like both. No preference 

3. Do your computer speakers plug into the back of your computer or your monitor? Back of the desktop.  On the laptop, sound plays like magic.

4. How many clocks are in your house? 6.  2 alarm clocks, 2 cable boxes, oven, microwave 

5. How about the room you're in right now? Yeah, how about it?  WOW!

6. How often do you check your email?  Obsessively.

7. Do you live by yourself? I'm the man of the house.

8. What's the most you've ever won on a scratcher?  Never gotten anything from a backscratcher.

9. What's the nearest food to you right now? A tie for everything in the kitchen.

11. Do you know what a plecostamous is?  a fish. 

12. Have you ever watched a sunrise rise over the ocean?   No

13. How many messages are in your inbox/outbox on your phone?  I'm not in charge of that, but i think none.

14. Do you prefer wooden or mechanical pencils? Wood, oh yeah.  Wood.

15. What's on your feet right now?    Socks 

16. Do you have one best friend, or a lotta good friends?... Both online, none in the real world. 

17. Snapple or SoBe? I don't even know what SoBe is, so Snapple

18. Where do you buy birthday/christmas cards?   I don't.  Hallmark is the DEVIL

19. What's your take on "puppy love"? Bestiality is against the law.

20. Do you enjoy breaking hearts?   No, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!

21. What date/time was the last text you recieved? No comment, detective.

22. When's the last time you sent a text?   I want a lawyer.

23. Do you believe there is only one "right" religion?   Yes, and all non-Catholics are obviously in hell.

24. What's your favorite planet, besides this one?   Planet Hollywood

25. Does anything special happen for you on March 15th?   Everyone comes over to my house for my famous Ides of March party where we reenact the fall of Caesar and get drunk.

26. If you could get back in touch with one person you've lost touch with, who would it be? Wow just one?   A guy named Bill in college was the closest I ever came to having an honest to God friend.

27. What type of internet connection do you use? Cable

28. Do you vote for city-related issues?   I vote against everything.

29. Do you say 'ya'll', 'you guys', 'dudes', or something else when addressing more than one friend at a time?    Short answer: No

30. Would you want marijuana legalized if it meant alcohol would be illegal?  Ohh, so provocative I forgot to answer.

31. Have you ever been to the Vatican?   Yes, if by "the Vatican", you mean "Wal-mart".

32. Have you ever waved at someone who was waving at you, only to realize they were waving at someone else?     I sincerely doubt it.

33. What did you do?   I can't tell you and I'm still waiting on that lawyer.

34. How many remote controls are in your house, and what are they for? Actually, today is the two week anniversary of one of our cable remotes being missing.  We have three remotes, but only 2 reporting for duty lately.

35. Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone? I use anything
36. How many 2005 calenders are in your house?   None, how old is this?

37. Do you take baths or showers?   Yes I do.

38. Do you take quizzes in magazines?  Only in Kitchen and Bath Design News

40. Do you buy bananas when they're green so they won't go bad as fast?   I don't buy bananas at all.

41. Do you do anything for a bad sunburn? I don't get one in the first place.

42. Do you use mouthwash?    Water

43. What noises reach your ears right now?   The DVD my daughter is watching

45. Have you ever been to a national park?   Lawyer stuck in traffic.

46. How old are your parents? I don't know.  50 or 60 something

47. Does anyone have the keys to your heart?   I'm not a robot.

48. Have you ever had to run for your life?   Greg and I ran for our lives when we thought we were about to be kidnapped.

49. Is there an empty place in your heart?   I can't see inside my body.

50. Have you ever been to a family reunion? No

51. Have you ever scraped a pipe?   No, but I have scraped metal barriers at work occasionally..

52. Do you prepare soup in the microwave or on the stove?   Stove!

53. Is it sunny out right now?  yeah, but not enough to melt the snow

54. Do you have a catnip plant in your house? Hidden under  the bed.

55. Do you use surge protectors? Yes, they protect my surges.

56. Do you pay attention to the stock market? Not at all.

57. Do you take precautions against the West Nile Virus? I don't even take precautions from Eastern viruses.

58. Do you meditate? That's personal.

59. If your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?   it's never come up.

60. Do you eat carbs?   only if they're in food.

61. If you could be one animal for the rest of your life, what would you pick?  i wouldnt want that

62. Are you the kinda person who will search the entire room for the remote because you don't wanna change it on the TV?   Nooooo...
63. Has your insurance gone up because of something on your DMV record?  Nah

64. Have you ever gone too work/school drunk?  I've never consumed any alcoholic beverage.

65. Is it all about YOU?   Not ever.

66. Are you allergic to any insect bites?    Not so far.

67. Are you allergic to any kind of food/medicine?    Nah

68. Have you ever swam in Lake Tahoe? No.  Have you?

69. If you could hug one person right now, who would it be?    Sir Thomas Crapper
70. Are you in debt? Not too badly

71. When you say "often" do you pronounce the "T" or leave it silent?   How dare you ask me that.

72. If you could have a plane ticket to anywhere right now, where would you go?  Uhhh, London.  Why not
74. How many pairs of socks do you own?   Pervert.

75. How often do you do laundry?   Whenever I need to.

76. What do you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger?   I don't.

77. Do you own your own car, pink slip and all?   No
78. Has anyone ever given you jewelery on Christmas? I'm a boy.

79. Do you count down the days till anything?   Til the work week is over.

20 Things That Start With K

Scoured the myspace bulletin board for some bitchin' fun surveys to fill out.

Yes, I am 30.

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question. You can't use the same word more than once.


1. Actor/actress: Kevin James/ Kim Fields

2. 4 letter word: KILL

3. Street name: Kennedy

4. Color: Kiwi

5. Gift/presents: King's ransom in Tootsie Pops

6. Vehicle: KIA

7. Tropical Location: Kuwait

8. College Major: Knitting

9. Dairy Product: Kentucky Bourbon...with milk

10. Thing in a Souvenir Shop: Kaleidoscope (sp?)

11. Boy Name: Kirk

12. Girl Name: Kandi

13. Movie Title: Karate Kid III

14. Beer:   Killians ? 

15. Occupation: King

16. Flower: Karnation

17. Celebrity: Ken Jennings

18. Magazine: Kitchen and Bath Design News

19. U.S. City: Kansas City

20. Band: The Kooks

The Office Quotes "The Return: Producer's Cut"

Jim: I miss Dwight.  Congratulations, Universe.  You win.

---

Michael (admiring Oscar's new car):  How many pesos that set you back?

Oscar: It's a company lease.  From the settlement.  After you kissed me. 

Michael: Well, that's how this company takes care of its employees.  We settle and we settle high.

---

Kevin: Hi, Oscar.  How was your gay-cation?

Oscar: That's very funny, Kevin.

Kevin: Yeah, I thought of that, like, two seconds after you left.

---

Oscar: Hey, where's Dwight?

Creed: Oh, you didn't hear?  Decapitated!  Whole big thing.  We had a funeral for a bird.

Jim: Pretty sure none of that's real.

(Oh, but it is, Jim!  LOL But it was Truck, not Dwight.)

Creed:  You're not real, man!

---

Michael:  (about Andy)  He's always up in my bidness, which is ebonics for being in my face, annoying the bejezzus out of me.  I just don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.

---

Michael (to Oscar): Your gayness does not define you.  Your Mexican-ness is what defines you, to me.  And we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.  So Phyliss, I want you to go find some firecrackers ...and a...chihuahua.   Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.

Oscar:  Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office?

Michael: Ahhh, of course.  A burro.  If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.

---

Karen: ... I've inherited 15 new clients from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature so...

---

Jim: Hey, Ryan, you wanna pull a prank on Andy?

Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.

Jim: I liked you better as a temp.

Ryan: Me too.

---

Andy (singing): In your head!  In your head!  Zombie-e-e-e-e-e!

Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?

Pam: I'm kind of in the middle of- Yes please!

---

Kelly: So how much do you love Lance Bass now?

Oscar: I don't know who that is.

Kelly: You don't know who Lance Bass is? Only one of the five best singers ever and ...gay!

Oscar: I've never heard of him.

Kelly: You really need to learn more about your culture.

---

Michael: I don't want someone sucking up to me because they think it will help their career.  I want someone sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

---

Andy: So Michael had a little talk with corporate and they decided to send me to management training.  Anger management technically, but still, management material. 

VCH Radio 1/19/07 +the complete 24 Death Watch

   http://www.yousendit.com/download/SGxUdli1oxN5TA%3D%3D

  Feeling better today, thanks.  I accidentally hadn't deleted my aborted show from Wednesday and let me tell you, I sounded like I had just gotten my ass kicked by a gang of overzealous midgets.  Like the kind of beating that not only beats you but makes you feel like a loser and saps your will to live.  But two days later, I am nearly fine and the show is completely done.  Clocking in at a crisp 1 hour and 5 minutes, you will hear this week: 

- My ten favorite songs at the moment.

- A few of my lame impressions (as I gain confidence on the mic, I am letting loose with more silliness)

- The all-important return dates for all the most important television shows.

- And more...

 

And for those who didn't hear it at the time, here is the complete and revised 24 Death Watch List.  Some I didn't mention on the show because it was running long and some I added after I saw the show and learned some of the new characters:

0% (chance of dying)  - President Wayne Palmer

5%- Jack Bauer

10%- Chloe O'Brian

15%- Mike Novick

20%- Seceretary of Defense James Heller

25%- Kim Bauer

30%- Bill Buchanan

35%- Karen Hayes-Buchanan

40%- Sandra Palmer

45%- Martha Logan

50% - Audrey Raines

55%- Peter MacNichol's character- the presidential advisor

60%- Curtis Manning XXXXXXX   DECEASED!

65%- The leader of the Chinese abductors of Jack

70%- Agent Aaron Pierce

75%- Charles Logan

80%- Sandra Palmer's boyfriend

85%- Morris O'Brian

90%-  Graham (leader of the conspiracy)

95%- Chinese guards/terrorists (didn't realize Jack would be out of China already, so I amended it to "terrorists")

100%- "Bomb victim"  (as listed in the cast) 

Radio show postponed

I just tried to record a new show, but since this is also the day I have to go back to work, all I could do was sit there while the music was playing and think about my sore mouth.  My sore mouth in a world without Vicodin.  I have a show all prepared, but it will have to wait until my face is not throbbing!

See you tomorrow.

Tooth saga

(watching a commercial for some new show)

Keri: They should make a really great show, then never advertize it and see what happens.

Me: It was called Arrested Development.

----

  Right now, I keep spitting blood and my lips are all red.  I look like a vampire.  Or Jack Bauer after escaping captivity.  But let's start at the beginning.

  Saturday I woke up in excruciating pain.  One of my teeth was throbbing like crazy and would not stop hurting.  This is the kind of pain that almost makes me crazy and/or brings me to tears.  As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing worse than a toothache.  Sometimes a toothace is just one of the symptoms I get when I'm coming down with a cold.  Several times I've had them, even bad like this one, and they have gone away.  But this was a persistent sucker and we were forced to take advantage of our dentist's emergency hotline that night.  This is apparently just his cellphone.  I couldn't believe we could just call up the dentist and talk to him, but that's what happened.

  There was some confusion as to what Eckerd he called in a prescription to, but we made it to the right one with ten minutes to spare.  All day yesterday I had to take an antibiotic every 8 hours and alternate between Vicodin and wicked strong Ibuprofen every 3 hours.  Even the glorious, habit-forming dizzy high of painkillers wasn't enough to mask the toothache so I spent all day yesterday loopy, yet still in pain.  Not fun.  But at least the Patriots won.  That means we get another chapter in the Colts-Pats saga, my second favorite team is still alive, I won five bucks at work and my wife took a 1 game lead in our family pool.  The Patriots winning was very good indeed.

  In the middle of the night, I had a dream about a high-pitched humming noise I could  not get to shut off.  I beat the shit out of a stereo with a baseball bat but the noise would not stop.  Then I woke up and realized the noise was real.  My wife had left the TV on and it was emitting a loud test pattern noise.  I laughed and went back to sleep after shutting it off.

  This morning, the toothache woke me up.  Can't take painkillers while you're asleep!  I drugged up and went back to sleep.  When I woke up at a more reasonable hour, I called the dentist and they fit me in at 11.  I waited a long time, not in the waiting room but once I got into the chair.  Then we all waited a long time for the double shot of novocaine to take effect.  Then the doctor pulled the roots out in less than 5 minutes.  I had my mp3 player with me and the whole procedure once it got going took the same amount of time it takes to listen to We Used To Be Friends, by the Dandy Warhols. 

  When I got out of there, I had gauze jammed in my mouth and I wa shaking like a leaf.  Having things pulled is very invasive.  I am spitting blood now and dreading what this is going to feel like when the 'caine wears off.  I anticipate a continuing need for the Vicodin and am about to call in sick to work.  All I want to do now is rest.  My stomach is growling like crazy but I don't think I will be able to eat today.

The end. 

VCH Radio 1/10/07

  It's a very special episode of VCH Radio that everyone is sure to enjoy.  This week's theme is "songs from commercials".  Find out who sings that song you get stuck in your head that forces you to head to the store immediately to buy the advertised product.  All that and more at a lean 1:06. 

Download the show here:   http://www.yousendit.com/download/JjuSet6cbWx5TA%3D%3D

Oh, and PLEASE leave a comment here if you listened.  I will mention everyone by name on next week's show.

VCH Radio 1/4/07

The latest episode of VCH Radio is ready for your enjoyment.

Download it here: http://www.yousendit.com/download/LFNIt5aI4oB5TA%3D%3D

This week you will hear:

- My ten favorite songs of the moment- in countdown form!

- The brink of a nervous breakdown as I become overly frustrated by my own ability to talk!

- Breaking entertainment news as of January 4th!

- Plus, the highlight of the week, ie, the thing I worked the hardest to prepare- The 24 Death Watch.  Find out the likelihood that your favorite character is going to die on 24 this season!

Later!

Happy New Year

Like my original title?  I bet I'm the only person in all of AOL Journal Land who named an entry Happy New Year.  I came up with that all on my own, too.

Sorry I haven't been around.  You know how it is during the holidays.  I was all set to record a new audio show, but right now the dishwasher is running too much interference.  I promise there will be a new episode of VCH Radio on Thursday or Friday.  Probably Thursday.

  In case you missed the last show, my ten favorite songs of the year were:

10. Le Disko- Shiny Toy Guns

9. Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

8. Song With a Mission- The Sounds

7. LDN- Lily Allen

6. Your Ex-Lover is Dead- Stars

5. Connecticut's For F*cking- Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse

4. Skeleton Key- Margot and the Nuclear So and So's

3. Mr. November- The National

2. Crazy- Gnarls Barkley

1. Fidelity- Regina Spektor

See you on Thursday!