Thursday, March 31, 2005

LOST- Episode 19: Deus Ex Machina

  Previously on LOST: Locke was denied his place on the Australian walkabout, regained his ability to walk after the plane crash and found a hatch in the ground.

  We open in flashback mode to a busy Wal-mart-looking place where Locke (with hair, but barely) is working in the toy department.  He explains his display of the board game Mouse Trap to a young boy, but is interrupted by a woman in a fur coat who seems to want to speak specifically with Locke.  He offers assistance and she asks where the footballs are.  Aisle 8 for regulation, 15 for Nerf.  815! BOM BOM BOM!  You would think this would trigger the creepy LOST title screen, but it doesn't.

  In the present, Locke and Boone are trying to open the hatch by breaking the glass on the door with some crazy contraption- Locke gives it a name, but you'll have to consult a professional recapper with access to a script- I don't even try to spell French words.  Anyway, basically what they do is drop a tree trunk with a piece of metal tied to it right onto the glass panel.  As they are setting it up, Boone asks Locke why he never talks about his life.  Locke replies that his life story is boring.  They spring their contraption but it collapses upon impact with the hatch- not even making a dent.  Locke throws an uncharacteristic temper tantrum and screams, "This was supposed to work!"  Boone points out that Locke has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his leg- Locke pulls it out and it is covered with BLOOD!  

  At camp that night, Locke tends to his wound and begins to prick himself in the legs with a pin.  Not satisfied with the results, he takes a stick out of the fire and burns the bottom of his foot.  Apparently, he feels nothing.  This unfortunate development is what finally triggers that creepy LOST title screen we all know and love.

  The next day, a cranky Locke begins to rebuild his hatch-opening contraption , but Boone's lack of faith is trying his patience.  Locke then flashes back to the 'not Wal-mart' parking lot where a flyer for a LOST dog is on his windshield.  That's not the big news though- the big news is that that fur coat lady is watching him again.  He chases after her, gets knocked over by a car, gets back up and catches up to the woman. She tells him that she is his mother.

  This news is enough for them to have a cup of coffee together.  She tells him that he is very special and their meeting is a sign of great things to come.  Locke asks about his father, but Mom drops the bombshell that Locke was immaculately conceived.  Okay, so she's crazy.

  Over at the garden, Sawyer asks Sun if she is sure he gave her the right magic healing leaf because nothing is happening.  Kate asks what is going on, but Sawyer won't tell her and walks off.  Sun reveals that Sawyer is suffering from headaches and aspirin and magic leaves are not helping.  Kate returns to Cavetown to consult a doctor, but Jack is reluctant to help.  He says all he would get for his trouble is a one-liner and a new nickname.

  At the hatch, Locke tells Boone that he is late for work and Boone replies that he is done working.  Boone says that they can't open the hatch- Locke replies with his classic catchphrase, "Don't tell me what I can't do."  He says that the island will send them a sign.  Boone mocks this comment, until a crashing little plane flies by over their heads.  Things start to get weird now.  Boone begins cut-scening back and forth between being normal and being battered and bloodied.  He repeats, "Theresa falls down the stairs.  Theresa falls up the stairs."  Locke also sees his mother pointing toward the plane crash and finds himself back in the wheelchair.  He awakens from his dream in a panic, but when he calms down, a look of recognition passes over his face.

  As the sun rises, Locke wakes Boone up and they set off for the jungle.  Locke flashes back to his meeting with a PI at work.  The man tells him all about his schizopherenic mother.  He is reluctant to hand over the information about Locke's father, but Locke insists on having it.  Locke takes the blood red folder and drives his blood red VW bug to the gates of Anthony Cooper, his father's house.  They share a drink and Dad invites his son hunting.  Locke happily accepts- he's never been hunting before.

  In the present, Locke tells Boone about his crazy dream.  Boone is skeptical, but Locke mentioning Theresa gets his attention and they set off tofind the dream plane.  At the beach, Jack finds Sawyer in a typically grumpy mood.  Jack doesn't have much patience for his patient, but he does learn that Sawyer's uncle died of a brian tumor, which may or may not be important.  Sawyer declines Jack's offer to run a few tests.

  Locke and Boone travel deeper into the jungle, with Boone still questioning the dream.  Locke trips and after he gets up, he notices a rosary bead hanging from a branch.  He pulls a rope and a rotting skeleton falls from a tree.

  After commercials, Locke is LOST in his memories again- this time he thinks back to showing up early for a visit with Dad and finds him getting dialysis treatment for a failing kidney.  Dad says not to worry- it won't spoil their day together.

  Locke and Boone study the corpse- the man was a priest from Nigeria.  Locke speculates that he has been dead anywhere from two to ten years.  Locke is a lot of things, but he's not a CSI.  He does question the dead guy's priesthood when he finds a gun.

Kate drags Sawyer by force to see Jack who runs his follow the pen test and asks some wildly inappropriate questions about STDs and prostitutes.  To avoid revealing any more embarrassing things, Sawyer storms off in anger.  Jack tells Kate that the man needs glasses.

  In the jungle, Locke continues to deny that anything is wrong with him, even though he can barely walk.  He finally collapses and is forced to tell Boone his wheelchair secret.  He starts spouting his crazy magic theories- convinced that the island wants them to find the plane.  Perhaps not believing but still impressed by the man's determination, Boone picks Locke up and helps him move forward.

  Locke has a quick flashback to some father-son bonding.  Locke beams with pride when his dad is proud of him for shooting down a bird and Dad is thankful that crazy Mom ended up bringing them together.

  A tired Boone drops Locke for a second and reveals that Theresa was his nanny.  She fell down the stairs and broke her neck when Boone was six.  That's right- six!!!  Oh wait, I don't think six is one of the special numbers.  Sorry.  Locke starts laughing, which angers Boone, until he realizes that Locke has seen the plane they are looking for, dangling precariously above them on the edge of a cliff.

  Locke is sure that the answers to all their questions are inside that plane, so he sends Boone climbing up the cliff to get in.  Locke then flashes back to pre-surgery with Dad.  Locke is giving up one of his kidneys.  Dad thanks him and Locke tells him it was meant to be.

  Back at the beach, Jack tells Sawyer that he is getting headaches from all the reading he does and offers a wide selection of glasses.  When they find the right prescription for both eyes, Sayid uses primitive welding techniques to make one new pair of glasses out of two.  The weird spectacles draw some laughs from Hurley and the others, but at least Sawyer's problem is solved.

  Back to more important things- Boone makes it up the cliff after some time-killing missteps and gets into the plane.  Unfortunately, all he finds are maps and statuettes of the Virgin Mary filled with heroin.  Locke is disheartened and questions out loud why the island would send them to a drug smuggler's plane.  Before he can get a good cry going, he hears the plane rocking on the edge of the cliff and yells for Boone to get out ASAP.  But perhaps more importantly, Boone has found the radio- and it works!  Someone answers him on the other end, but before a rescue can be arranged, the plane does a nose dive off the cliff.  Locke struggles to get up and drag a bloodied and unconscious Boone out of the wreckage.

  In Cavetown, Jack and Kate have some 'Aren't we sexy?' banter but are interrupted by Locke returning to camp with his injured friend.  He tells Jack that Boone fell off a cliff while hunting (almost believable since he is such a klutz!).  Jack goes to work and asks Locke exactly what happened.  Locke is already gone and can't answer, however.

He has snuck away to have a flashback to post-surgery.  Dad's hospital bed is already made and he is gone.  As a confused Locke wonders what happened, Mom stops by to tell him that all Dad wanted was the kidney and she got some money out of him to supply one.  Dad arranged the whole thing, including Mom finding Locke to begin with.  This is just too unbelievable, so Locke returns to the gate of his father's house where the security guard won't let him in.  Coming to the realization that his Dad is not a "cool guy" and is, in fact, quite heartless and selfish, Locke breaks down and cries on the side of the road in anger and heartbreak.

  In the present, Locke is again crying and in the midst of a mental breakdown.  He pounds on the hatch and yells about how he has done everything asked of him.  It is then that Locke's faith is finally rewarded- a light comes on from inside the hatch window.  We leave Locke staring in wonder at the haunting glow and fade out for the night.

  Next week on LOST- Jack promises to not let Boone die, Claire goes into labor forcing Kate and Charlie to become impromptu midwives and Boone asks Jack to just let him go.  You know, like, die.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Reactions

Project: Greenlight: I am loving this show more by the second.  John Gulager (yeah, that's the director's name- how could I forget?) really started to come around tonight.  You could see Chris Moore was just beaming with pride that his pep talk at lunch worked when John started to speak up at the meetings.  I was happy for him too- as a fellow artist who sucks at public speaking.  John made a good point that any argument he makes could be easily ended by his opponents' saying, "Where were you a month ago?" but he overcame all this and is really starting to look like a director now.

  Then of course in the very next segment, the casting director uses that very logic when she says, "He won a contest...He doesn't get it."  Hey, lady- I'm on your side about not casting the guys' whole family, but you need to have a little more respect for the head of the project.  It seems like she had little respect for him based on the fact that he is a contest winner and that little bit of respect was lost when he wanted to do the family thing.  There's clearly some bitterness and friction here and it's making me uncomfortable- just get the darn movie cast and get her off the screen.

  Having said that- casting his whole family is the wrong thing to do and fighting for it as hard as he did was totally unprofessional and made John look very bad.

Next week: Will John be fired over this issue?  (I doubt it since he is listed as the director on imdb)

The Amazing Race:  Tonight was another stellar episode of the best reality show out there.  Just when you think it's okay to start rooting for Boston Rob and Amber, they go and do something heartless like not stop at the scene of the accident.  How evil do you have to be to keep racing on a television show when people's lives are literally at stake?  I have not liked the gay guys and their seeminly unfounded hatred of the Survivors, but they were right about them in this instance. 

  Then the end was one of those rare occassions when there is an actual footrace to decide elimination.  I just had to root for the brothers to come back from the car crash and I was on my feet and excited when they actually did it.  Good riddance to that bickering couple.  The brothers deserved to keep going way more than they did anyway.

American Idol:  I have to admit I didn't pay too much attention tonight.  I was online and no particular performance drew me away from this screen to the other.  The craziest part of this season has been Paula Abdul.  She clearly gets bombed before every show now.  I am two for two predicting eliminations thus far, but it has been admittedly easy.  A much tougher call this week, but I'll go with Anthony.  He was bottom three last week and I think Nadia's fans will not let that close call happen again.  Plus, we have to start losing guys, don't we? 

Monday, March 28, 2005

More TV

  I used my (unpaid!) day off yesterday to have a nice holiday with the in-laws.  Hope everyone else's was good too.  Last night, an officer came to our door and told us that our neighbor's house across the street was broken into.  But they didn't take anything.  Weird, huh?

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  Not too much on television yesterday before the basketball games came on so I got to watch Bravo and get caught up on Project: Greenlight.  I never watched the show when it was on HBO because 1) it was boring and 2) I always forget to check HBO on the rare occassions when I do channel surf. (Don't get me wrong- I watch a lot of TV- it's just that I usually tune in for something- not surf)  This incarnation of the show is really neat, however since they are making a low-budget horror movie.  To add to the drama, Ben, Matt and company made a very strange choice to give the directing chance to.  I don't remember his name and I'm not going to look it up, but he has already made things very interesting. 

  First, he had no business being hired because he couldn't articulate two consecutive sentences in the interview and no one had any idea what his vision for the film is.  They hired him anyway- I guess because his audition tape was the best.  Then, even when he is supposed to take over and, you know, DIRECT, he still doesn't do it.  I can totally sympathize with getting lost in your own head and not being able to communicate what you are trying to do- but if I was going on speaker phone with the guy who was going to set my budget- I would try to overcome my nerves by at least having some notes prepared.

  Worse than that, when he does take a stand on something- it ends up being laughably unprofessional.  The guy is absolutely insistent on hiring his own family for 4 of the 9 major roles in the movie.  He barely participated in the casting process because he had it all cast in his mind with his brother, dad, girlfriend, etc...  I sided with the casting director, who looks like she wants to strangle the guy. 

  I never thought I would add another reality show to my viewing habits, but all of a sudden I can't wait until Tuesday night to see what "horrors" await the people making thehorror movie, "Feast."

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  On the cartoon front, Kasey and I have both been getting a lot of enjoyment out of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.  Last week's episode was the first time I can ever remember laughing hysterically at a kid's show.  When children outgrow their imaginary friends, they ship them off to this home until a new kid adopts them- hilarity ensues.  Cartoon Network also becomes the "Adult Swim"at night and they have some very funny stuff- I particularly enjoy The Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken- an oddball show where Seth Green brings the toys of our childhood to life for bizarre skits.

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So here's an updated list of everything I watch on TV- I'm hoping that by listing them all, I will realize how pathetic it all is and cut back a little!

Monday- WWE Monday Night Raw

Tuesday- American Idol, The Amazing Race, Project: Greenlight

Wednesday- LOST, Idol results, The King of Queens

Thursday- Survivor, CSI, Joey

Friday- Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Saturday- nothing!!! :)

Sunday- The Simpsons, Arrested Development, Desperate Housewives, Adult Swim

Saturday, March 26, 2005

This Week's Top Ten

  I've included a link to a site that has the video for my new favorite song.  It's near the bottom of the page and played pretty easily on my AOL player.  This song just grabbed me from the first time I heard it.  It's sad, hopeful, haunting and beautiful all at the same time.

1. Sunnyroad- Emiliana Torrini- EMILIANA TORRINI - New single Sunny Road - released on Rough Trade on February 21st.

2. Jerk It Out- Caesars-AOL Music: Caesars: 'Jerk It Out' --currently seen on the new ipod commercial.

3. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

4. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

5. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

6. Goodnight, Goodnight- Hot Hot Heat- AOL Music: Hot Hot Heat: 'Goodnight, Good...

7. Galvanize- Chemical Brothers- AOL Music: Chemical Brothers: 'Galvanize'

8. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

9. Strange Design- Midnight Movies

10. Ghettochip Malfunction (Hell Yes!)- Beck

Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

Strange Design- Midnight Movies

Decent Days and Nights- The Futureheads

FLASHBACK:

AOL Music: The Used: 'The Taste of Ink'

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The LOST board

LOST - Home  Anyone who is a fan of ABC's Lost should come check out this new message board created by one of my friends online.  The talk is friendly and there is zero tolerance for flaming and whatnot.  They were even nice enough to give me my very own thread where you can find all my episode recaps arranged in proper order!  So go register over there and come join the fun.  They even have food. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

LOST- Episode 13: Hearts and Minds

*Originally posted on January 13, 2005*   LOST- Episode 13- Hearts and Minds

  Previously on LOST:  Locke and Boone had a lot of scenes together.

  Tonight we begin with the customary eyeball shot as Boone watches his sister being approached by Sayid.  He doesn't look too happy about this.  The focus shifts to Sayid who is bringing Shannon a present for helping him translate Rousseau's maps.  The present, by the way, is a pair of shoes, complete with box.  When he met The Others, they must have had a Lady Foot Locker.  Boone is distracted from his leering by Hurley who would like to know why he and Locke are out "hunting boar" every day but never bringing anything back.  Boone insists that they are hunting.  Hurley insists that they try harder since people gotta eat.

  After he goes back to watching Sayid lay the Middle Eastern charm on Shannon, Boone flashes back to his former country club lifestyle, where he played tennis in the sunshine with beautiful women.  He answers his cell phone- on the other end is a very distressed sounding Shannon.  She tells him that things aren't so good and starts arguing with a man on the other end.  Boone, always the hero, says he will come and get her.  One guess where she is- if you said, Sydney, Australia- you win.

  Back in the present, Boone gives Sayid a "friendly suggestion" to stay away from his sister.  Before Boone can give an answer to "What if I don't?", Locke summons him back into the magical jungle.  Moments later, as they are walking, Locke tells his young friend to put aside his differences with Sayid.  They are going to want him on their side.  Boone doesn't think to ask on their side of what.  Instead, he brings up the fact that people are talking and noticing that they bring nothing back.  Locke dismisses this- there is plenty of other food and what they are doing is more important.  Then he uncovers the brush from their new top priority- the metal hatch they have dug up.  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  Elsewhere in the jungle, Hurley confides to Jack that he is having some digestive problems.  On a fruit-only diet, we can imagine what those problems might be.  Jack suggests more protein- like the fish that Jin has been catching.  This brings Hurley to his other problem- he feels that Jin was offended by Hurley's rejection of the sea urchin Happy Meal back on Day 1and has made no further offers of fish or even made eye contact.  The conversation ends when the digestive matters become more urgent on Hurley's end and he disappears into the jungle with his handful of leaves.

  Jack then turns his attention to spying on Kate, who of course, is being very shady about what she is up to as she crouches low to the ground collecting something.  She busts him and reveals that she is collecting passion fruit seeds.  He agrees to follow her to see what they are for.  Kate leads him to a small clearing where Sun has started a garden.  Jack congratulates her on a good idea, especially since Locke is no longer providing boar.  Kate speculates that Locke is doing that on purpose.

  Deeper in the jungle, Boone ponders how to get the hatch open, as it is seriously sealed.  When he asks Locke why he is just sitting there mixing something in a bowl, Locke responds with a story about Michelangelo's work habit of just staring at a block of marble for months until he was ready to carve it.  He says that is what they have to do with their hatch problem- work it out in their heads first.  As Locke continues to ponder the question of how to open a hatch with no discernible handle, Boone flashes back to his arrival at Shannon's front door in Sydney.  Unfortunately for him, she has changed her story and tells him to come back tomorrow because she and her man are going out with friends.  No one brings up the large bruise on her forehead.  Boone glares at them both and leaves quietly.

  Back at a more remote beach location than we normally see, Hurley begs Jin, who is making his triumphant return to television,  to tell him where he gets his fish from.  If Jin is not going to give him any, he at least wants to get some on his own.  Jin says something in Korean and walks away.  Hurley speculates that it was mean.

  Walking back from the hatch, Boone says that they have to tell everyone about their find.  Locke disagrees, saying that the others are not ready and wouldn't understand.  Boone at least wants to tell his sister.  Locke disagrees again, but the young man is quite insistent.  After Locke makes sure Boone is aware of the ramifications, he knocks him out with the handle of his knife.

  Boone awakens to find himself tied up and begins to plead with Locke to untie him.  Locke explains that he is doing all this because it is time for Boone to let go of some things.  He takes the contents of his bowl from earlier and spreads it over the wound he created on Boone's head.  Then he tosses a knife at his feet and says he can leave any time he wants as soon as he has the proper motivation.  Boone shouts for him, but Locke has left.  As the camera swirls around him, Boone tries his best to stretch himself within the confines of the ropes and reach the knife.

  Boone distracts himself from his own cries for help by thinking back to his visit to a police station in Sydney.  He is trying to get Shannon's boyfriend arrested for abuse but there is really nothing to go on.  Sawyer has a brief cameo here as he is dragged into a cell screaming that no one wants to hear his side of the story.  The officer questions why Boone and Shannon have different last names- it's because they are step siblings- not even related by blood, which makes it even more impossible for the police to do anything with Boone's complaint.  Boone tries to get help by dropping his mother's name, but only gets mocked for it.  Boone's next move is to visit Brian at the docks where he pays the man off to sever ties with his sister forever.  His love is worth $50,000, which Boone promptly cuts him a check for.

  Back over in the new garden, Kate is telling Sun about the (probably fake) plans she had for herself until fate got in the way.  Sun's smile at Kate's ironic comment quickly turns to dismay when Kate puts it all together and realizes that Sun can understand English.  All Sun can come up with is, "Please don't tell anyone".

  In shallow water, Hurley and Jin are fishing near each other but not together, one having much more success than the other.  Just as Hurley concedes defeat, he steps on a sea urchin and cries in pain from the sting.  Jin comes to his aid but stops short at peeing on the big man's foot, even going so far as to shout "No!" which draws a quizzical look from Hurley.

  Elsewhere, at an undisclosed jungle location, Sayid is trying his best to coordinate himself on Roussaeu's maps but seems to be having little success.  He is startled by Locke, who unconvincingly tells him that Boone gave him the day off.  Locke takes an interest in what Sayid is doing and gives him a compass, which heclaims to not need anymore.

  All that flashing back with film-like accuracy has caused Boone to fall asleep, but his rest is short lived when he hears Shannon screaming for help.  She is also tied up apparently.  The trees begin to tremble and roars are heard as GIM (Giant Invisible Monster) makes his presence known.  At last properly motivated, Boone struggles to stretch himself out and grasp the knife.  He cuts himself free, runs over to cut his sister free and then they duck for cover in some brush as GIM gets louder and draws ever closer.

  In a calmer part of the jungle, Sayid presents an interesting phenomenon to Jack.  The island is apparently not obeying universal laws of nature since the compass points to North in the wrong direction.  Either that or, you know, the compass might be broken.  Sayid suggests this, which seems to put some doubt about Locke into Jack's mind.

  While we're on the subject of Locke bashing, things have quieted down for Boone and Shannon giving Shannon the opening to ask what Boone did to piss the guy off.  She doesn't believe that he would tie her up in the jungle out of boredom.  Boone flashes back to his second arrival at Shannon's door- he is ready to take her away from all this. But when Shannon stays rooted in place next to Brian and can't even look her step-brother in the eye, Boone finally realizes that he has been set up.  Brian helpfully reveals that Shannon feels screwed out of an inheritance Boone's mom kept for herself.  Boone loses his temper and receives a beat down from Brian until Shannon puts a stop to it and lets Boone walk out with just a bloody nose.

  Jack finds Locke sitting on the beach watching for ships and sits down to chat with him.  Their conversation doesn't delve too deep other than Locke fearing that the boars are migrating away from their new human predators.  Elsewhere, Kate agrees to keep Sun's secret, though she cannot understand why Sun wants it that way.  Because she loves her husband is the answer.  Wasn't it obvious, Kate?  You must feel dumb now!

  At the beach, Hurley tries to trick Jin into confirming the rumor that he can speak English by telling him his wife is hot, but either Jin is extremely disciplined about his deception or he really just doesn't.  Hurley then gets a second chance at sea urchin, but spits it out.  Over at the crash site, Jack has moved on to talk to Charlie about how's he doing and what he thinks of Locke.  Charlie reveals his first impression that the guy was a psycho, but goes on to say how he saved his life and that Locke could be the one man on the island to save them all.

  Over in Cavetown, Hurley returns to find Michael looking into a box of secrets and happily watching his son play with Vincent.  Jin brings the big man a fish as an apparent peace offering, then heads over to the falls to be with his wife.  Also, Jack has teleported over to hand Kate some guava seeds.  There was no importance to this exchange- I just wanted to point out that Jack is the real mystery of this island because he can be anywhere and talk to anyone regardless of continuity.  Must have gone to Hogwarts School of Medicine.

  Boone and Shannon are now lost in the jungle and as they argue, Boone breaks down and tells her about the hatch.  That's just bad island karma, my friend, because no sooner does he get done speaking when a tree behind them is uprooted with monstrous force.  GIM is back and the siblings take off running.  Unfortunately, Shannon is not quite fast enough and gets snatched off her feet as Boone looks on in horror.

  As Boone frantically searches the jungle for his sister, he flashes back to when she showed up at his hotel room door to tell him that Brian took the money and ran.  At least he didn't have to shoot a man while robbing his castle.  Shannon speculates that Boone brought the money because he is really in love with her- an accusation he denies until she starts kissing him and kissing him and he starts kissing back and, this not being HBO and just a tad bit creepy anyway, we are faded out of the scene.  In the very next scene, Shannon has sobered up and tells Boone that they'll go home and pretend that the whole night never happened.  Back in the present, Boone finds blood on some rocks which leads him to find Shannon's mangled body on the edge of a stream.  He holds her and cries when he realizes she is dead.  We are down to the final 45.

  I am glad I record until 9:05 EST because we are now into some serious overrun.  Boone has returned to camp at night, brandishing a knife and charging toward Locke.  Locke fights him off and asks where the blood isif Shannon really died in her brother's arms.  Hurting Boone's case even more is the fact that Shannon is standing a few feet away chatting with Sayid at the waterfall.  Boone rightfully wants to know what in the heck is going on.  Locke asks "Is that what it made you see?" and Boone realizes that Locke may have drugged him with the goop on the head earlier.  Locke spins it as an experience vital to Boone's survival.  When Boone found his dead sister, the feeling he tearfully admits having was one of relief.  Now, Locke says, Boone is ready to let go.  And they walk off into the darkness of the jungle at night.  Fade out.  So I guess we're actually back up to 46 survivors with that classic cop-out twist.

ROBOTS

  The song I'm listening to can currently be heard in the latest Pepsi commercial (the band knocks the soda over and the song stops playing).

  Kasey and I had quite an interesting experience at the movie theater yesterday.  We went to the first showing of Robots at 4:30.  First of all, there was no one inside at all.  If the door hadn't been unlocked, I thought the place might not have opened up.  At the ticket window, I got my first sign of life.  Someone was unseen in a back room, talking on the phone.  I am a shy, laid-back person who doesn't draw attention to himself (even when I need something!) so we just stood there and waited for the guy to inevitably look out the door and see that he had a customer. 

  But he didn't.  Instead the voice became angrier and louder- he was arguing over some parking tickets and finally dropped a couple of F-bombs.  I said out loud, "Whoa!"  He apparently heard me so he looked out the door, saw Kasey and put his hand over his mouth- quite embarrassed, he was.  He apologized and assumed we were seeing Ice Princess.  I corrected him and then we were finally on our way into the heart of the theater.

  Made it past the concession stand without buying anything- I truthfully had to tell Kasey that the guy couldn't take my debit card and I had no money left.  That didn't stop her from continually asking for stuff.  I told her the same reason she couldn't have anything every time and every time she would say, "Oh yeah.  I forgot."  She has inherited her father's genius, I tell you.

  This showing of Robots was a private screening.  Kasey and I were the only ones there.  And I don't mean we were the only ones at Robots.  I mean we were the only people in the entire theater.  The door to Ring Two was open when we walked by and that showing was empty.  (Can you call it a "showing" if nobody's there?  Who are you showing it to?)  I didn't feel so bad that Kasey got charged as an adult- this place really needed my full eleven dollars.  I know it's a weekday afternoon, but school was out by then and this is not some rinky dink place on Main Street USA- this is an eight theater movie house standing in the backlot of Wal-mart, Home Depot and BJ's Wholesale.  Methinks the mighty mega Marquee Cinema that opened two towns over is killing this place.  I hope it doesn't close, it's only a mile from my house.

  Kasey looked over her shoulder up at the projection room and yelled, "Hey, I saw a lady up there!"  I turned around and this "lady" running the projector had a full beard.  I explained that some guys have long hair and hoped he didn't hear her.

  So we finally started watching the movie after the marathon of ads (even Kasey started complaining about it).  Anyway, here's my take on the actual film.  It looked great.  I don't even consider that matter when it comes to the digital cartoons anymore.  We have established that they are all going to look amazing so when do we stop being impressed?  Let's just say it's a given that it looked great from now on.

  What does that leave us with?  Plot?  Pretty standard and a tad dull for my tastes, but it held a four-year-old's attention and she is much closer to the target audience than I.  What saves the movie is the sight gags and one-liners.  I laughed several times at parts I hadn't already seen in the commercials.  It was definitely entertaining and I never felt like I had been ripped off.

  What bothered me the most was the voice talent.  Everyone did a great job- that actually wasn't the problem.  My problem, and it could be just MY problem, is that there were too many famous voices.  It was a distraction to the point where I wasn't paying attention to what was going on because I was trying to place a voice.  The villain's first ten minutes were almost lost on me because I was saying, "Who is that?" to myself.  Thank God I correctly came up with Greg Kinnear because it would have driven me nuts for the duration.

  Then there's things that just make no sense.  Ewan McGregor doing an American accent?  What is the point of casting a talented actor and then making sure no one knows who it is unless they read the credits?  Did they sign him on and say, "Oh good, this will bring in the Ewan McGregor crowd?"  I just don't understand the purpose of him being in this movie when you could have maybe slid Robin Williams over to Rodney or gotten someone who wouldn't have to change the way they speak.  Paul Giamatti?  Didn't recognize him- I could have done that squeaky little voice for free.  I did not recognize Jay Leno or Al Roker until I read the credits.  Is it supposed to be funny on its own that these people are doing voices- because nothing they contributed was very funny.  And again, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THEM, so why not just do what Pixar does and cast one of the crew members to make a funny voice?  I'm sure it would have saved a lot of money.

  And Halle Berry was completely wasted.  I didn't know she was in it until the opening credits and I forgot she was in it until the closing credits.  What did she have- ten lines?  You could have replaced the Oscar winning actress with Jami Gertz and no one would have noticed or cared. 

  I think what I'm saying is that cartoons are not about the voices.  I don't know any Will Smith fans that couldn't wait until opening day of Shark Tale or anyone who is going to say, 'I'm not going to buy Toy Story 3 for my kids unless Tom Hanks is in it!'.  It just doesn't matter!  Stop worrying about landing the big names and pay more attention to casting the perfect voice for a role.  It would be a lot less distracting and might actually add to the quality of the movie.

*** 3 stars

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

If this entry is flashing, you've won a free migraine

  Been getting pop up ads every five minutes and no matter how many "anti" programs I run, I can't get rid of them.  This hasn't happened since we got AOL and I'm pretty upset about it.

But that's not really what I wanted to talk about.  Have you ever heard a song that you had completely erased from your memory?  I don't mean where you say, "Hey, haven't heard that in a while!" and you can't remember the words.  I mean, what happened to me is- some little tiny bit of memory strand got activated by a tune, but not enough to remember it.  I listened to it and all the while was thinking, have I heard this before???  It was annoying more than anything.  Does this craziness sound familiar to anyone?  Anyway, it bugged me all day so I looked it up when I got home and sure enough, the song was released in 1994.  I'm pretty sure now that I hadn't heard it in eleven years and am not insane. 

  By the way, the song was 'The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get' by Morrissey.

  I also learned this week that I can not have a song as my cell phone ring.  I was walking around in Wal-mart and heard a tune in the distance.  I thought to myself, Wow, Wal-mart is playing Modest Mouse on the PA!  That is pretty cool.  Then when I got to the parking lot and my wife called me again, I realized that my pocket had been playing 'Float On', not Wal-mart.  I'm going to change my ringer to "Hey Idiot, answer your phone."

Sunday, March 20, 2005

An Ethical Question

  My friend at work is as straight as they come.  He will lust after anything with breasts from fifteen to fifty.  And yet, he often brags about how- whenever he is low on beer money, he goes into a gay bar and lets gay guys buy him drinks.  Isn't that wrong?  I was shocked, though I didn't say anything.  It seems really cruel to me.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

This Week's Top Ten

My list is being invaded by electronica.  Quick, someone teach me how to dance!

1. Sunnyroad- Emiliana Torrini

2. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

3. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

4. Jerk it Out- Caesars

5. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service

6. Ghettochip Malfunction (Hell Yes!)- Beck

7. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

8. Daft Punk is Playing At My House- LCD Soundsystem- AOL Music: LCD Soundsystem: 'Daft Punk is Play...

9. Galvanize- Chemical Brothers- AOL Music: Chemical Brothers: 'Galvanize'

10. Worlds Apart- ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

 

Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

When You Sleep- Long-view

Krafty- New Order

I Let Go- Eighteen Visions

Jerk it Out- Casears

Flashback of the Week: AOL Music: Abandoned Pools: 'The Remedy'

Friday, March 18, 2005

Voyages Exclusive! An interview with Kasey Burke

  We arrived at my mother's house in Albany and no one was there so I decided to sit down for a little one on one time with my four-year-old, Kasey.  In this Voyages exclusive interview, find out what one of the bright young minds in the Tot's Day Out Nursery School program had to say.

Voyages of Captain Happy: I know- how about I interview you?

Kasey: No!

VCH: Do you know what that means?

Kasey: No.

VCH: I ask you a bunch of questions and then I write down your answers so everyone can see them.

Kasey: No.

VCH: I'll take that as a yes.  What is your favorite color?

Kasey: Red.

VCH: Cool.  What is your favorite TV show?

Kasey: Dad!  I don't want you to ask me questions.

VCH: Okay, who do you think is going to win American Idol?

Kasey: I don't know.  The girls- or maybe a boy.

VCH: Way to take a stand on the issues.  Are you excited about being in Uncle Jeff's wedding?

Kasey: Yes.

VCH: What are you going to do in it?

Kasey: Stop asking me questions!

VCH: Don't be a baby.

Kasey: I'm not a baby.

VCH: Well, you're acting like one.

Kasey: I just want you to be quiet.

VCH:  Okay, are you hungry?

Kasey: Yes.

VCH: What do you want for lunch?

Kasey: Nothing.  I'm waiting for Grandma.

VCH: Do you want to go somewhere?

Kasey: I can't.  I'm waiting for Grandma.

VCH: Any movies you want to see?

Kasey: Not today.  I'm waiting for Grandma!

VCH: I meant later.  Or in general.

Kasey: Just be quiet!

VCH: This interview is over!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Cancel Arrested Development?!?!

TV Squad  Here is a hilariously satirical article on why AD should be "canceled".

As for me, my car won't start again!  I had it working for about twenty-four hours. :(

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

LOST Episode 12: Whatever the Case May Be

*Originally posted on January 6, 2005*    

  No opening eyeball this week- instead the camera is panning through the jungle searching for something.  It finds Kate up in a tree collecting fruit.  She climbs down, takes a swig of water and then heightens her senses when she hears some ominous piano music.  You know, the pianist hits just the highest note a few times and then the lowest.  Horror movies do it all the time.  It creates a mood.  Anyway,Kate obviously doesn't hear the piano, she hears something moving a few feet away from her.  She throws a rock and hits Golden Globe nominee for Best Red Herring- Sawyer.  She hit him right in the knee, which according to Quentin Tarantino, is very painful.  Sawyer limps appropriately and finds out that Kate was alllll the way out here because every other tree has been picked clean by hungry people.  For her part, Kate learns that Sawyer wasn't stalking her, but trying to protect her.  How sweet.

  They walk a little further and find a gorgeous waterfall.  Sawyer strips down and invites Kate for a swim.  This not being HBO, they strip only half way.  Sawyer even kept his jeans on.  The scene starts to take on a playful romantic quality until the writers remember what show they're working on and have to throw in the dead bodies under the water part.  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  Sawyer asks Kate if she is all right- an odd question since these were plane crash victims and not Jason Voorhees waiting to grab his next teenager from the bottom of a lake.  Sawyer goes down to see what the bodies have on them.  Kate is initially disgusted by this, but then starts helping him.  She seems especially interested in a metal briefcase underneath the seat.  They pull it up, but it is pretty useless to them since they don't have the key.  Still, Kate seems to want it pretty badly, but she plays it cool and lets Sawyer have it.

  It's unfortunate after the tsunami tragedy that the next scene shows the survivors on the beach fleeing from large waves, but I'm sure shallow Americans would have been more upset if LOST had been preempted because of sensitivity issues.  Anyway, everyone is trying to save their stuff from getting washed out to sea- Sayid says that the tide rising so quickly is not normal.  After all the crazy nonsense they've been through, the beach eroding too fast is what gets Sayid's attention?  Jack and Sayid resume the beach vs. cave argument- Sayid is still resistant to the idea, especially after Claire's disappearance.  I suppose they've given up looking for her, which seems kind of harsh.  Jack asks Sayid to take him to the French woman to ask about the others, but he doesn't like that idea either.  He insists that the voices he heard was wind playing tricks.  Wind that swept Claire away, I guess.

  Elsewhere, Shannon asks Boone where he has been going with Locke all day everyday- she even asks if he is his new boyfriend.  Now was that a sibling tease or a secret revealed?  Boone tells her that they have been looking for Claire and that she, Shannon, is useless.

  That night, Kate stirs the fire and watches Sawyer walk by with the metal briefcase.  This triggers the evening's first flashback, where Kate is talking to a bank manager in New Mexico about a loan application.  Things are going well until some masked gunmen storm in and hold the place up.  Back to reality- Kate approaches the sleeping Sawyer very carefully and tries to take the case.  The case- hey, this week's episode title is a pun!  Gotta love it.  Sawyer wasn't really sleeping, or at least he is used to being attacked while vulnerable, and manages to fend her off despite her best headbutts.  Kate demands to have it and he, of course, says no.  When she walks away, he looks pretty pleased about having some leverage over her.

  Back at the beach, Shannon is trying to catch some sun before the beach completely erodes and is approached by Sayid just as she removes her top.  This not being HBO, she sits up and covers herself with a towel.  Sayid remembered that she speaks some French and would like some help translating Rousseau's math notations on the papers he swiped from her.  Shannon says she can't do it, but he asks her to at least try.  Elsewhere, Sawyer is trying in vain to pick the lock on the case- Michael and Hurley stop by to laugh at him so that they can have something to do this episode.  Michael suggests he hit it with something hard- like the ax.

  The question of where the ax is segues to Boone in the jungle bringing Locke said ax.  Locke is acting strange this week- he seems a little overly concerned that someone might have seen Boone take it.  

  Back at the beach, Rose makes her triumphant return to television by telling the catatonic Charlie to get his butt in gear and help everyone move the stuff off the beach.  She is having a hard time dragging a crucial piece of large jagged metal by herself. 

  Elsewhere, Saywer takes part in another first for LOST- the quick-cutting montage.  It's a comical moment as he is having a very hard time breaking open that darn case.  Finally, he drops it out of a nearby tree and Kate seizes the oppurtunity to grab it and run off.  Everybody knows that boys run faster than girls so Sawyer is able to get down the tree and catch up to her before the scene even ends.  Kate goes to the headbutt again, but still can't get the case out of his manly grasp.  He offers it up in exchange for the knowledge of what's inside, but Kate doesn't answer.  After he walks off, she flashes back to the bank where the ringleader of the bank robbers is trying to get the manager to open up the vault.  The guy on the floor next to Kate tries to play the hero by jumping one of the robbers.  A gun falls in front of Kate- the hero begs Kate to shoot everyone but she doesn't know how to operate a gun and the day ends up not being saved.  Ringleader pulls Kate angrily into a back room, tells her that playing dumb was a classic move and kisses her with passion.  I, myself, would have been more relieved that the gun hadn't landed in front of someone who wasn't in on it.

  You know the VW commercial where the guy shoves the salesman down in his seat so he can impress an ex?  She watches him drive off so wouldn't she see the dealer plates and know he was BSing her?  These are the things that bother me.  Plus I don't think any of my exes would be impressed if they saw me tooling around in a VW- test drive a Honda or something next time.

  In cavetown, Kate approaches Jack about getting the briefcase back.  She tells him that he is the only one who knows about her.  Hurleyknows too, but I guess that's not important.  Plus Sun knows now, because they are speaking in front of her and don't realize that she understands English.  The key problem here (I can make puns too) is that the key is in the marshal's wallet.  Yes, as in the dead and buried marshal.  The contents of the case sound pretty uninteresting (guns and money), so Jack demands to know what else is in there and only agrees to help her if they get to open the case together.

  The evacuation of the beach continues- Charlie wonders why Rose is so happy when there are so many things to be worried about.  Monster, The Others.  Maybe he was just listing his favorite movies.  Out of nowhere, Rose tells him that nobody blames him for what happened to Claire.  Charlie speculates that he should have died.  Rose puts a hand on his shoulder and tells him that he needs to ask for help.

  In case you don't know what Rose was implying just then, the scene jumps to a shot of a wooden cross standing guard over the marshal's burial site.  As the digging begins, Kate thinks back to the bank when she forced her boyfriend to smack her and bloody her up to keep up appearances.  He calls her Maggie- their relationship is obviously built on trust.  They leave the back room and get into character- Kate's life is very seriously threatened until the manager agrees to hand over the key.

  Getting keys and unearthing decomposing bodies are the themes of this week's adventure so we cut to a shot of what's left of the marshal.  Nice work by the make-up crew because I don't even recognize him.  Kate dives in to get the wallet and finds it to be quite maggot-infested.  What a pleasant episode this is.  Jack picks it back up and digs through it to find no key.  He is not fooled, however.  He grabs Kate's wrist and forces her to open her fist and reveal that she had already grabbed it- their relationship is obviously built on trust.

  Elsewhere, Shannon is translating the notes but they make little sense in any language.  "The sea of silver sparkles"- Rousseau might be crazy but she sure knows alliteration.  Both get increasingly frustrated- Shannon because the nonsense is just repeating itself and Sayid because he's clearly trying to use a blonde's brain.

  At Sawyer's tent, Jack tells the rat to handover the case, or else...or else you won't get your meds and I'll have to cut your arm off when the scab gets itchy, yeah that's it.  Sawyer agrees but not before doing the "hold on to the thing a little longer as your rival tries to take it" move.  That move is in the cinematic dictionary, I swear.  Sawyer uses it to give a warning that Kate is a little liar.  I think we all know that by now. 

  Jack brings the case to Kate and she flashes back to the bank vault where things get a little crazy.  The manager pleads to have the girl released, but the ringleader laughs that off and tells him that she is in on it.  He makes to kill the manager but Kate grabs a gun off the other guy and shoots her boyfriend in the leg.  Things really break down and she is forced to shoot all of her accomplices.  She really didn't want the bank's money at all, she just needed to get into safety deposit box 815, which holds...drumroll...an envelope!  Wow!

  Back in the cave, Jack opens the case where he finds the guns, finds the money and finds....drumroll...an envelope!  Wow!  Jack seems a little let down about the whole thing.  The way she was acting, you would think the case had some Get Out of Jail Free cards in it.  But no, it's just an envelope.  But surely, you say, the envelope must have something really important in it!  Like a fifteen dollar check for coming in second in a beauty pageant...but you are wrong again.  It is just a toy airplane.  But surely, you say, the plane must have some significance that Kate would lie, cheat and steal to get her hands on it.  Why yes, it belonged to the man she killed!  Nice to finally know what Kate did, but it's still just a toy plane.  There must be more of this to come... but not today.  Good old sensitive Jack walks away from her as she bawls her eyes out.  He's that disgusted with her!  A toy plane, for God's sake!

  As the sun rises, or sets or something, the beach people move up the beach by moving sideways.  Oh, it was setting because it's night now and Charlie has come to talk to Rose about her husband.  This opens the door for her to spout that crazy "still alive" stuff she likes to go on and on about whenever she sneaks her way into the occassional episode.  Talk about an agenda.  Anyway, she knows he is alive because of faith, not denial.  This brings Charles to tears and mistaking this for another Locke type deal, he asks Rose to help him.  She puts an arm around him, takes his hand and they begin to pray.  Elsewhere, Shannon approaches Sayid to apologize for being blonde and to say she realizes why Rousseau's nonsense seemed so familiar to her.  It is a song, featured in some computer-animated cartoon about fish.  Rousseau must have a DVD player in her shack too since she's been on the island well before Finding Nemo and well before computer-animated cartoons, for that matter.  Shannon begins to sing it in French, which brings us to the more customary slow-cutting montage with a song playing over it.  Boone creepily watches his sister singing, Jack looks over at Kate as he walks by, Kate stares at her recovered toy plane and moves it around between her fingers.  Fade out...

  Next week on LOST: Boone is all like, "Stay away from my sister" and Sayid is all like, "What if I don't" and it all builds to a big climax at the prom.  Plus, the message boards explode with Told You So's from the many Locke is Evil factions when Johnny boy whacks Boone with his knife handle for even suggesting that they tell everyone what they found. 

Monday, March 14, 2005

Lyric Challenge

    My long weekend of working is finally over!  It's rough I tells ya.  Anyway, I have been reading some others' journals and some people get a song to play when you open up their page.  Does anyone out there know how to do that?  I would love to know how.

  Since the position of 'worthy opponent' is open again in my seemingly endless quest to find someone who wants to play me in lyric challenge, I've decided to post a little test.  Jewels, this is your oppurtunity to be cool again- though the challenge is open to anyone who thinks they can do it.  Twenty songs and I'm only asking you to get fifteen of them right.  That's only 75% for me to consider you worthy.  Seems like a deal to me.  And if anyone wants to throw down some stakes, I'm open to at least hearing them.  I was thinking if you win Jewels, I will sing your endless praise in my message board signature.  That would be sufficiently humiliating.  :-P

Sincere good luck to any and all challengers.  I don't ALWAYS listen to the same kind of music, so there might be some curveballs.

1. Godspeed all the bakers at dawn- may they all cut their thumbs, and bleed into their buns til they melt away.

2. I lay my head onto the sand.  The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it.  I'm counting UFOs.  I signal them with my lighter- and in this moment I am happy.

3. Good eye, sniper.  Now I'll shoot and you run.  The words you scribbled on the walls, the loss of friends you didn't have.  I'll call you when the time is right.  Are you in or are you out?  For them all to know the end of us all.

4. Because all they know is how to put you down.  When you're there, they're your friends and then when you're not around, they say 'Oh, she's changed', well we know what they mean- they mean they're just jealous- they'll never do the things that they wish that they could do so well.

5. Remember the time we wrote our names up on the wall?  Remember the time we realized Thriller was our favorite song?

6. My ex says I'm lacking in depth.  I will do my best.  You say you wanna stay by my side- darling, your head's not right.

7.  Damn right the fire marshal wanna shut us down- get us out so someone can gun us down.

8. What's with these homies dissin' my girl?  Why do they gotta front?  What did we ever do to these guys that made them so violent?

9. There's a woman in the mirror in a fiery state- as she motions to me, I start turning away; she's lifting her dress up...

10. Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one.  Your sins into me-  As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer and I'll beg for forgiveness.  Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one.

11. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.  So won't you kill me so I die happy?  My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry- whichever you prefer.

12. We started livin' in an old house.  My mom gave birth and we were checkin' it out.  It was a baby boy so we bought him a toy- it was a ray gun and it was 1981.

13. So go do what you like.  Make sure you do it wise.  You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there.  You can't go forcing something if it's just not right.

14. It's all right to tell me what you think about me.  I won't try to argue or hold it against you.

15. Days are numbered 6-6-6.  And I'll begin the countdown by calling off the circus.  Somewhere in these cryptic scriptures, I find myself drifting in a sky...

16. She says that love is for fools who fall behind.  And I'm somewhere in between- I never really know a killer from a savior- til I break at the bend.

17. Like Louie Armstrong played the trumpet- I'll hit that bong and break you off something soon- I've got to get my props- cops come and try to snatch my crops.

18. I'm not gonna lie.  I want you for mine.  My blushing bride.  My lover- be my lover, yeah.  Don't be afraid, I didn't mean to scare you- so help me Jesus.

19. But I am married to your charms and grace.  I just go crazy like the good old days.  You make me want to pick up a guitar and celebrate the myriad ways that I love you.

20. I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.  I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

This Week's Top 10

  First, the answer to the lyric trivia, which I thought for sure Jewels would get since she claims to listen to so much Killers.  It was from Somebody Told Me.

  I just saw a commercial for the Scissor Sisters' album and it reminded me of that guy at work I mentioned a few months ago, who squealed with recognition when I played Take Your Mama on the office CD player.  Well, today I got to raise my eyebrow at him again- I swear he is becoming a real life Tobias Funke.  He brought in this little golden football, and it got him going on how he used to play a lot of Kill The Queer back in school and always got his ass kicked.  (All I know is that when I played that game in school, it was called Kill The Kid.  I can only wonder if the other boys in his class knew they were playing a game.)

  With no car and therefore no Sirius Radio, I seem to be stuck in a little music rut.  My favorite songs remain relatively unchanged.

1. The Bucket- Kings of Leon

2. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

3. Evil- Interpol

4. Galvanize- Chemical Brothers

5. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service

6. World Apart- ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

7. Daft Punk is Playing At My House- LCD Soundsystem

8. Goodnight Goodnight- Hot Hot Heat

9. You Wouldn't Like Me- Tegan & Sara

10. Finding Out True Love is Blind- Louis XIV

Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

None

Flashback of the Week: AOL Music: Liam Lynch: 'United States of Whate...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Reality Check

  Quick story I've chosen to find amusing.  Kasey knows that I have reduced the amount of fast food we eat to once a month and completely banned McDonald's.  I still don't have a car so Grandma drove down to take her to dance class yesterday.  So when I am in the other room, what does the four-year-old manipulator do?  Whispers to Grandma, 'Please take me to McDonald's!'  And Grandma does it too (without me knowing)!  It gets better.  I decided to make last night the one night a month and called my mother-in-law and asked her to stop at BK on the way home.  So Kasey ended up having McDonald's and Burger King on the same night.  And if my wife hadn't thought it was so funny, I never would have found out.  Good to know I'm so respected!  LOL

---

  But that's not what I want to talk about.  I've decided it is highly unlikely I'll ever be on a reality show since I don't look like a model and don't have an outgoing personality to make up for it.  Therefore, I am giving away all my great reality show stunt ideas for free to anyone whoever gets on one of these shows.  Enjoy.

American Idol:  If I could sing well enough to be on Idol, but then got eliminated, I would not sing a good-bye song.  That is so humiliating.  I would just throw down the mic and tell them to stick it somewhere.  Then I'd storm off the stage screaming profanities while Seacrest tries to cover for me by saying how emotional the whole thing is.  I'd wreck that Coke machine and every piece of furniture in the back room.  I wouldn't be happy until I got arrested.  Oh, I'd also try to break the record for most songs not cleared to be sung.  "What do you mean I can't do 'Y'all Want a Single'?  Korn rules!"

Survivor:  I think obviously the thing to do here is to pretend you're on Lost.  Wander off by yourself.  If someone insists on coming, step aside and stare into space.  When they ask what you're doing, tell them you were just thinking about the deep dark circumstances that arose before you landed on the island.  Then start digging in the dirt to try and find the metal hatch.

The Amazing Race: When you get to a goodplace, like England or something, just stop participating.  Your footage for that episode will be the producers walking behind you waving a contract.  And you'll be like, "Screw that!  Free vacation!"  Then Phil will show up and be like, "This is a first.  A team forgoing a million dollars to better enjoy a trip to another country.  I'm actually quite happy to tell you that you've both been eliminated from the-"  "Shut it, Phil.  I'm trying to watch the changing of the guard."

The Apprentice:  I hate to go back to the temper tantrum, but this would be a good one to do it on when you get fired.  "Keep your stupid fake table, Trump!"  Smash!  Then run through the wall.  Bonus points if Trump wets himself.

Big Brother: First, I would bring a pad and pen with me and not say anything for the first two or three days.  Make everyone else think that putting a mute in the game was one of this year's twists.  Then just start talking one time and explain, "I just don't say much and I like to write."  Use the pad to leave incriminating notes around the house.  'Things to remember: Joe hates Sally'.  Then when you want some privacy, just start announcing things to the camera that CBS would never air.  "Shouldn't you be watching Joey, right now?"  "This reminds me of an episode of The OC- Thursdays on FOX!"  "I would be able to decide who I want to vote out a lot better if I had an ice cold Pepsi!"  Yes, I have given this a lot of thought.

---

And now Lyric Trivia # 1!  First, a softball for my friend Jewels. 

"Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight." 

Answer tomorrow... 

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

LOST Episode 11- All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

Originally posted on December 9, 2004:

  Previously on LOST- a lot of stuff happened...Charlie wrote LATE on the bandages on his fingers, Claire rubbed her belly, Charlie told Claire he'd take care of her, Sayid warned everyone that they were not alone on the island, Claire was attacked in her sleep, Hurley started a census, Hurley mistook Ethan for Lance, Jack tried to give Claire a sedative and she took off for the beach, Hurley told Jack that one of them wasn't on the plane, and Ethan stared strangely at Charlie and Claire.  Phew!  I told you a lot happened.  Can we get to the show please?

  We begin at almost the exact point where last week's show [Raised by Another] concluded- Hurley tells Jack and Kate that it was Ethan who is the one who wasn't on the plane and he hasn't seen him since yesterday.  For the sake of the show only being an hour, Jack immediately jumps to the wild conclusion that since no one has seen Ethan, Charlie or Claire for a while, Ethan must have kidnapped them.  Cut to Jack and Locke racing frantically through the woods in pursuit.  Locke stops suddenly and begins to find subtle clues that only an experienced tracker could find- like Claire's bag and footprints.  Okay, anyone could have seen that, but Locke is still cool.  Locke deduces that there was a struggle and that Island Class of 2004's Cutest Couple was dragged off.  Jack starts shouting their names, but Locke says, "Shhh..."  A creepy Locke moment calls for a creepy LOST title screen.

  Jack and Locke continue to examine the trail.  Jack wants to know how one man could have dragged off two people, Locke thinks it's more important to learn why.  Locke agrees with Sayid that there are others on the island, while Jack thinks Sayid is injured and delusional.  Locke wants to go back and organize a proper search party, Jack wants to just go NOW.  Before they can go on CNN for a live debate, Jack runs off in the direction Locke pointed.

  As he is running wildly through the jungle again, Jack flashes back to a time in the operating room when he tried his best to save a patient but failed.  Dad is standing in the back of the room, telling Dr. Jack to call the time of death, but Jack continues to fight.  He finally is forced to give up and angrily tells Dad to call the T.O.D. himself.

  Back in Cavetown, Kate questions the wisdom of letting Jack run off alone, but Locke insists he will catch up.  Kate says she is going too, which Locke is not surprised by.  Boone ignores his sister's whining and tells Locke that HE wants to go too.  He did not add that it's about darn time he did something on the show, but he could have.  Walt wants to use Vincent as a tracker, but his dad shoots him down.  Micheal wants to join the search party himself, but, you know, four's a crowd.  Michael says he'll form a second search party and Locke condescendingly agrees and tells him to head in the opposite direction.

  Meanwhile, Jack is still in the jungle, but he is tiring and looking more LOST.  He stops to flashback to the aftermath of the failed operation.  Dad is mad because Jack had barged into the O.R. and taken over the procedure.  Jack counters that one of the nurses came to get him because Dad's hands were shaking so badly.  Dad asks why, if Jack is such a better surgeon, did they call him away from lunch if Jack was already in the building.  Jack asks how many drinks Dad had at that lunch.  Then they do the dramatic stare down thing.

  Back in the jungle, Locke catches up to Jack, who has been running in circles.  Locke says, Go back, Jack and do it again- I know that makes no sense, I just wanted to go for the Steely Dan joke.  He actually wants him to go back to camp because he doesn't want anything to happen to the all-important doctor.  No dice, though.  Locke gives up and the four set off again.  By the way, Locke feels responsible for this incident because he never picked up any bad vibes from Ethan while hunting with him.

  Back at camp, Michael is pretty ticked about being left behind and says so to Hurley.  Walt sticks up for Locke, telling his dad all the things the guy is capable of.  Michael tells his son to stay away from Locke, then leaves Walt with Hurley so he can take his own search team south, out of spite, I guess.  Back in the jungle, Jack and Locke are still sniping with each other- Jack doesn't want to lose daylight by resting, but Locke needs to, cause he's like, old.  Kate pulls Jack aside and tells him to lay off Locke.  Jack admits to his own guilty conscience about what happened because he didn't believe Claire when she told him she wasbeing attacked.  They are called quickly back because Locke has found Charlie's "L" finger tape.  Jack deduces that Charlie is leaving them a trail to follow.

  Soon after that, they find the "A", but the problem is that several feet away, Locke has found footprints leading in the other direction.  Faced with two trails to follow, Kate reveals her own novice tracking skills and the four split up.  Locke and Boone will follow the footprints, Jack and Kate will follow Charlie's clues, and Shaggy and Scooby will go find the kitchen where the ghost will inevitably show up.

  Over at the edge of the beach, Sawyer is getting an update on the situation from Walt of all people- Hurley must not be doing that great a job watching him.  Walt mentions how Ethan wasn't on the manifest but Sawyer suggests that maybe he lied about his name.  Walt says that that is a pretty stupid thing to lie about.  Sawyer quickly changes the subject and asks where Ethan came from.  Walt says he was already on the island because Sayid said there were others.  The news of Sayid's return piques Sawyer's interest...

  Back in the jungle, Boone learns that Locke works for a box company, which Boone finds hard to believe.  Elsewhere, Jack asks Kate where she got her tracking skills.  Turns out her dad was in the army and he liked to track deer.  All this talk about fathers causes Jack to think back to the time when his dad tried to convince him to lie about the circumstances surrounding the patient's death on the operating table.  After Dad lays on the sweet talk, tries to justify his harshness in raising his son and promises he will never operate under the influence again, Jack very reluctantly signs the false account.

  Over in the caves, Sayid is resting comfortably, but the entrance of Sawyer gets his attention.  Sawyer suggests that Sayid's injuries were caused by karma and that no one would blame Sawyer if he took a little measure of revenge.  Sayid makes like a pro wrestler and says, "You want a shot, take it, but you will never beat me for the Intercontinental title."  Then he wusses out and says that he left the camp out of shame for what he had done and had intended to never return.  Sawyer asks the easy follow-up and Sayid responds with the tale of how he was captured by Danielle, who turnedall his loyal shipmates into pigs and killedall the members of her own party because she believed they were sick.  Sawyer asks if Sayid believes her story about "the others".  Sayid is not sure, but on his way back he heard something surrounding him. 

  Back at the beach, Walt is playing backgammon with Hurley but Hurley is getting frustrated because Walt continually rolls exactly what he asks the gods of backgammon to roll.  A throw-away scene...or is it?

  In the jungle, Boone is concerned that they have lost the trail and are just following Locke's gut.  Locke changes subject and learns that Boone runs a business- one of the subsidiaries of his mother's wedding empire.  Locke says it is going to rain and tries to convince Boone to head back but fails again.  Either there are a lot of stubborn men on this island, or Locke is just not very good at the powers of persuasion.  Incidentally, as soon as they're done talking, it starts to pour.  Elsewhere, Jack finds Charlie's "T" and hears a scream.   He grabs a vine and starts to climb a steep hill- Kate wants to know where he is going- she apparently did not hear the scream.  Halfway up, Jack slips and falls back to the bottom.  Before he can get up, Ethan appears, plants his foot on Jack's chest and threatens to kill one of his captives if Jack doesn't stop following him.  Jack grabs Ethan's leg and starts a fight, but loses pretty badly.  Ethan kicks him in the face and says, "No more warnings."

  After commercial, we are back at the hospital where Jack sees his father talking to someone and finds out that it is the husband of the dead patient threatening to sue.  Kate snaps him back to reality and doesn't seem to believe that Ethan was there since Jack bumped his head pretty hard.  Kate wants to give up since the rain washed away the trail, but Jack marches off, more determined than ever.  As he heads back up the hill, he flashes back to the time in the hospital board room where the case has come up for review.  After learning that the woman had been pregnant, Jack revises his statement and rats out his dad, saying that it was dad's intoxication that caused the woman's death.  Don't expect a Christmas present, sonny boy. 

  At the top of the hill, Jack and Kate discover Charlie blindfolded and hung from a tree.  Jack grabs his legs and tries to hold him up, while Kate climbs the tree and cuts him down.  Jack immediately begins CPR while Kate cries and holds Charlie's hand.  Jack's efforts become more and more frantic until Kate pulls him away and says to stop.  Jack, however, will not accept defeat yet again and goes back to pounding on the rock star's chest, until finally Charlie coughs and comes around.  Good work here- even though I had heard that Dominic Monaghan would never be killed off, I believed the scene, figuring the producers had lied to throw us off.  The lessons as always- I'm gullible and Kate gives up too easily.

  It is night now and Michael returns to camp to find Jack and Kate sitting by the fire nursing Charlie back to health- it seems that though he is alive, he is catatonic and not answering any questions.  When Michael asks if they found Claire, Hurley grimly shakes his head no.  Jack promises Charlie they will go back out to search in the morning, but he needs any information Charlie can provide.  This seems to anger Charlie, who stares straight ahead but does finally say that he didn't see anything and he can't remember anything.  He does know that all they wanted was Claire.  Closer to the water, Shannon is worried that her brother is not back yet.  Kate assures her that they just made their own camp for the night and that there is no one Boone is safer with than Locke.

  Speaking of Locke and Boone, they are still following the trail well into the night and Boone suggests that they go back.  Locke asks, "Don't you feel it?"  Whatever that means.  Boone gives up and heads back.  Locke tosses him the flashlight and Butterfingers drops it- but it's a good thing he did because it makes a verrry interesting clanking sound when it hits the ground.  The two sift away some dirt and discover a large steel panel just below the surface.  Locke assures Boone that they will find out what it is...(eventually).

News and Notes

-Nothing much going on today as usual.  I received my Welcome package from Trafford which included a thick stack of papers stapled together detailing how to format my novel for their printer.  Hopefully I can do it!

-There is a new love in my life and its name, well I don't know its name but it's a Nestle Tollhouse cookie covered with ice cream and chocolate.  So bad for you, it's gotta be good.

-We watched Flight of the Phoenix yesterday.  I enjoyed it as a summer blockbuster type movie- though it didn't come out in summer for some reason.  If they had held it back til May I think it would have been more successful.  It is a fun ride, though.

-Here's a phrase I've been getting a chuckle out of lately- I believe it was the ESPN Sports Guy who came up with it.  "I feel like DJ Jazzy Jeff when he found out that 'Hitch' opened at #1."

-Tonight begins the long journey through the unbearable reruns of LOST.  I will repost my recap from the original broadcast later today.  The Voyages are going to be struggling for some new content for the next month and a half.  I may have to start doing Jake in Progress recaps. *shudder* 

-Jewels laid down the challenge so I feel like I need to put a big, fancy word in here.  Oh, um, I can't think of one.  I'll have to put it in my postprandial entry. 

Monday, March 7, 2005

ATHF: The Movie

Zap2it - TV news - 'Aqua Teen' Looks to Conquer Big Screen

Not much happened today.  I'll try to think of something relevant to say by tomorrow.  For now, let's just be happy that they're making an Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie.  Funniest cartoon on TV.

Sunday, March 6, 2005

AD Quotes VI

  Finally after two weeks of an unexplained preemption and the Oscars, Arrested Development returns tonight with 2 new episodes.  At 8:30 EST Julia Louise-Dreyfus returns as Maggie Lizer- eight and a half months after her affair with Michael, she is eight and a half months pregnant.  Could George Michael soon have a little brother or sister?  Then at 9, Buster gets his hand bitten off by a seal and will wear a hook from now on.  Shocking!  I guess since they figure on being canceled, they're pulling out all the stops.  If they get picked up, Buster will be wearing a lot of long sleeved shirts for Season 3.

  It's time for the next batch of quotes, this time from the youngest members of the cast: George Michael and Maeby.  George Michael is a sweet and innocent young teen who strains to deal with both his father's ridiculously high expectations (where an (A-) doesn't count as an (A)) and his hopeless crush on his own cousin, Maeby.  Maeby is a rebel whose only cause is trying to get her parents to notice her.  Her most elaborate plan involved creating a twin for herself at school and giving that twin a fake disease (naturally called BS).  Pretty sure her parents never even found out about that one- just proving how much they ignore her.

---

 Michael: Your Uncle G.O.B. seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?

George Michael: No. No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.

Michael: Yeah, that makes sense.

---

Michael: Sorry. Your grandmother had a little accident here.

George Michael: Oh. Does that mean she’s going to have to come live with us?

Michael: No, no. No. It was her drink, and even if it wasn’t...

---

Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?

George Michael: Breakfast.

Michael: Family.

George Michael: Family, right. I thought you meant of thethings you eat.

---

George, Sr.: Is Oscar wearing my suit? Hey, you tell my brother you don’t wear dead man’s pants. Shame on him. And you say that to him. You say, you say, “Shame on you.”

George Michael: Okay.

George, Sr.: Say it to me like you’re going to say it to him.

George Michael: I’m probably not going to say it to him.

---

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word Sudden Valley?

George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.

Michael: Right. But Paradise Gardens...

George Michael: Yeah. Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.

---

Maeby: Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer. If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America.

George Michael: That says Portugal.

Maeby: That’s right.

---

George Michael: He’s my dad. I don’t want to disappoint him.

Maeby: You and I are so different. It’s like we’re not even related.

George Michael: That would be amazing.

---

George Michael: It’s just I don’t know when I’m gonna get another chance like this, you know, to be there for family. I’d hate to miss it because I was too proud.

Michael: Right. Wait a minute. “Too proud”? What does this have to do with too proud?

George Michael: Actually that part was kind of just for you. I was just worried the whole thing wasn’t going to land unless I included the pride part.

---

Maeby: D plus. Sign this.

Lindsay: This is a D minus.

Maeby: Well, either way, it’s above a D right?

Lucille: Another worldbeater.

---

Lindsay: Okay. Well, uh, this was fun. Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together, go shopping, get a drink.

Maeby: I’m in school, and I’m 15.

---

Maeby: Hey, how do you think I feel? He was the one who said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and The Sea.

Michael: I’ll help you with that later.

Maeby: Oh, great. Okay. So, you have to read this and then explain it, and this is important: you have to say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let’s have a four syllable max.

---

Maeby: Plus, who’s going to get mad at the dying girl?

George Michael: Surely’s dying?

Maeby: I figure I’ll kill her off just before graduation just so everyone gets really sad before prom.

---

Maeby: So here’s the test that I failed.

George Michael: Oh, okay. I see the problem right away. You got all the answers wrong. You know, you even got your name wrong. It says S. Fünke.

Maeby: Yeah, well, what they want you to do is put an “S” if you’re single, or an “M” if you’re married. Most of us are all single, but it’s a whole government thing.

Saturday, March 5, 2005

This Week's Top 10

  I have the weekend off thanks to Wal-mart's bizarre sick-out policy.  You can't use any of your sick hours on the first day- which only encourages most people to take more than one day off.  When I call in sick tomorrow, I'll get paid for it, so what is my incentive to get better in a hurry?  Silly.  Anyway, the point is my update comes much earlier in the day than normal.  Here's what I've been listening to this week:

1. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

2. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

3. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

4. Galvanize- Chemical Brothers- AOL Music: Chemical Brothers: 'Galvanize'

5. Daft Punk is Playing at My House- LCD Soundsystem-AOL Music: LCD Soundsystem: 'Daft Punk is Play...

6. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service

7. I Predict a Riot- Kaiser Chiefs

8. You Wouldn't Like Me- Tegan & Sara

9. Goodnight Goodnight- Hot Hot Heat-  AOL Music: Hot Hot Heat: 'Goodbye Goodbye'  <---Wrong title, right song

10. All That I've Got- The Used- AOL Music: The Used: 'All That I've Got'

 

Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

World Apart- ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

Goodnight Goodnight- Hot Hot Heat

Reinventing Your Exit- Underoath

Into the Night- The Music

Catch My Disease- Ben Lee (finally available!)

Sleeps With Butterflies- Tori Amos

 

FLASHBACK of the week:

AOL Music: OK Go: 'Get Over It'   This is one funny video.  And a good song too.

 

Friday, March 4, 2005

Eight Things I Hate

Thought I'd give equal time to the other end of the spectrum.  I'm just in that kind of mood since I currently don't have a car.  Believe me, if you want to feel completely useless, try living without any kind of transportation.  My wife is at work tonight and then going out with friends so I am stuck alone all day with a hungry four-year-old and all I have to give her is a box of Cheez-its because we can't go grocery shopping.  Ugh!  Here are some things I hate, but nothing too deep- I don't think I need to write about my hatred of terrorists or wifebeaters- that should go without saying:

1. Country music- I don't hate country music...I LOATHE it.  It just gives me a headache and fuels untapped homicidal urges.  I just want to smash something when it comes on, I really do.  And what's worse is, no one believes I can hate something this much.  They say 'oh just listen to this song' or 'give it a chance'.  I have given it a chance, by force, when some guys at work turn it on.  Sorry, I'm not going to change.  My wife thinks it's funny to turn it on in the car and make me listen to it.  I have pulled over and shut the car off.  Don't mess with me on this.  I HATE COUNTRY MUSIC!

2.  Peanut Butter-  I can't stand the smell of it, the look of it and of course the taste.  This goes for any peanut butter candy too.  Reeses' makes me sick.  And again, I get 'how can you hate peanut butter?'  I just do.  Leave me alone about it.  And please don't make me make PB&J sandwiches.  The fact that I do just proves how much I love my daughter.

3. Writer's Block/Procrastination- I know everything that is going to happen in my second novel.  I can see it all very clearly in my head and I think about it all the time.  So why am I sitting here writing in a journal and listening to music?  Yes, why.  Must be some deep psychological fear of success or something.  That's all I can think of.

4. Vegetables-  Isn't it some kind of cosmic cruel joke that everything that is good for you looks and tastes so bad?  I have never eaten my vegetables and I never will.  I do like potatoes, but they almost don't count.

5. Local Slang- Here in Utica, everyone says hamburg instead ofhamburger and it secretly drives me crazy.  Are we really losing that much time with all our three syllable words that we have to cut them down?  You people aren't in that much of a hurry-  I've seen you.  So what gives?  You sound stupid.  I'd think of more, but it would only make me hurt a little more on the inside.

Just typing all this has not been therapeutic at all- it's made me angrier in fact!  I'm closing out the last three in rapid fire style with no explanation.  Then I'm going out to my empty driveway to scream.

6.  Will & Grace, 7. Men being portrayed as idiots on TV and commercials- especially if they're a dad.  8.  Static electricity.

Seacrest out! 

...Oh yeah, him too.

AD Quotes V

  I finally figured out how to put pictures in my entries, as you can probably tell.  I still don't know how to put them where I want them to be or get rid of that big white box, but hey, it's a start.  What do you want from me?  Damn it, Jim, I'm a writer, not a website formatter guy. 

  For my next entry, I wanted to introduce the most dysfunctional husband and wife on television since the Bundys.  Lindsay only married her husband to piss off her parents, and Tobias is a closeted homosexual- who just happens to be the only person in the world who doesn't realize he is gay.  Together they completely ignore their daughter Maeby in pursuit of their own selfish interests:  Lindsay with her faux-causes and failed business ventures and Tobias and his attempt to become an actor.  Meet the Funkes.  (Fyoon-kay)

---

 Lindsay: And I’m going to see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts. I, uh, tried to be sexy. It just... got away from me.

---

Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don’t even know what the auction’s for tonight.

Lindsay: The wetlands.

Michael: To do what with them?

Lindsay: Dry them.

Michael: Save them.

---

Lindsay: I’m protesting the war. There’s a war going on, you know.

Maeby: Yeah. I’m the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

---

Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting, and I’m white. I think I’m going to be okay.

---

Lindsay: I’m tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I’ll be at the bar.

---

Lindsay: Great, so now we don’t have a car or a jet? Why don’t we just take an ad out in I’m Poor magazine?

---

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun and you try to crushpeople’s spirits. What’s next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

---

Lindsay: Look, I’m an activist, too, and I appreciate what you’re doing for the environment. But we’re not the only ones who destroy trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist. Why don’t you go out and club some beavers?

---

Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.

Michael: You’re wearing ostrich-skin boots.

Lindsay: Well, I don’t care about ostriches.

---

Lindsay: Michael, if this is a lecture on how we’re all supposed to whatever, and blah, blah, blah, well, you can save it, ’cause we all know it by heart.

---

Lindsay: “Lindsay’s a combative, entitled princess”? I should hire somebody to kick your ass for that.

---

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

Michael (sarcastic): Really? When did that start?

Tobias: Well, I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn’t help.

---

Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, okay, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, (sarcastic) I know you’re the big marriage expert. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead... I’m sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely. I’m... Oh...

---

Tobias: Well, you certainly didn’t help my reputation as a ladies man with Jeff. But we’ll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.

---

Narrator: And Maeby was getting tired of her parents’ constant fighting.

Lindsay: I’m saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

Tobias: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.

(Both notice Maeby in mid-sentence) Lindsay: That’s my point, you... handsome cowboy, you.

Tobias: Oh, great. And now you’re mocking me. You selfish... coun.. try-music-loving lady. Hello, Maeby.

Maeby: Nice cover. Why don’t you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

---

Tobias: When a man... needs to prove to a woman that he’s actual... When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens, and uh, with deep, deep concentration and-and great focus, he’s often able to achieve an erec...

George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you. I know what you mean. I-I didn’t mean babies in general.

Tobias: Oh, well that’s good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

---

Tobias: I was dancing with what turned out to be the club’s owner, and he was looking to sell. Oh, he-he really, really did look like a woman. But anywho, can you believe that the only reason the club is going under is because it’s in a terrifying neighborhood?

---

Tobias: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can’t say how or when... or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth, as do my high spirits, so a shopping we must go.

---

Maeby: Did you get a job or something?

Tobias: No. No, I didn’t. Unless you consider world’s coolest daddy a job.