AD Quotes V

  I finally figured out how to put pictures in my entries, as you can probably tell.  I still don't know how to put them where I want them to be or get rid of that big white box, but hey, it's a start.  What do you want from me?  Damn it, Jim, I'm a writer, not a website formatter guy. 

  For my next entry, I wanted to introduce the most dysfunctional husband and wife on television since the Bundys.  Lindsay only married her husband to piss off her parents, and Tobias is a closeted homosexual- who just happens to be the only person in the world who doesn't realize he is gay.  Together they completely ignore their daughter Maeby in pursuit of their own selfish interests:  Lindsay with her faux-causes and failed business ventures and Tobias and his attempt to become an actor.  Meet the Funkes.  (Fyoon-kay)

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 Lindsay: And I’m going to see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts. I, uh, tried to be sexy. It just... got away from me.

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Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don’t even know what the auction’s for tonight.

Lindsay: The wetlands.

Michael: To do what with them?

Lindsay: Dry them.

Michael: Save them.

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Lindsay: I’m protesting the war. There’s a war going on, you know.

Maeby: Yeah. I’m the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

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Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting, and I’m white. I think I’m going to be okay.

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Lindsay: I’m tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I’ll be at the bar.

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Lindsay: Great, so now we don’t have a car or a jet? Why don’t we just take an ad out in I’m Poor magazine?

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Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun and you try to crushpeople’s spirits. What’s next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

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Lindsay: Look, I’m an activist, too, and I appreciate what you’re doing for the environment. But we’re not the only ones who destroy trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist. Why don’t you go out and club some beavers?

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Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.

Michael: You’re wearing ostrich-skin boots.

Lindsay: Well, I don’t care about ostriches.

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Lindsay: Michael, if this is a lecture on how we’re all supposed to whatever, and blah, blah, blah, well, you can save it, ’cause we all know it by heart.

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Lindsay: “Lindsay’s a combative, entitled princess”? I should hire somebody to kick your ass for that.

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Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

Michael (sarcastic): Really? When did that start?

Tobias: Well, I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn’t help.

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Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, okay, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, (sarcastic) I know you’re the big marriage expert. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead... I’m sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely. I’m... Oh...

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Tobias: Well, you certainly didn’t help my reputation as a ladies man with Jeff. But we’ll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.

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Narrator: And Maeby was getting tired of her parents’ constant fighting.

Lindsay: I’m saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

Tobias: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.

(Both notice Maeby in mid-sentence) Lindsay: That’s my point, you... handsome cowboy, you.

Tobias: Oh, great. And now you’re mocking me. You selfish... coun.. try-music-loving lady. Hello, Maeby.

Maeby: Nice cover. Why don’t you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

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Tobias: When a man... needs to prove to a woman that he’s actual... When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens, and uh, with deep, deep concentration and-and great focus, he’s often able to achieve an erec...

George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you. I know what you mean. I-I didn’t mean babies in general.

Tobias: Oh, well that’s good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

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Tobias: I was dancing with what turned out to be the club’s owner, and he was looking to sell. Oh, he-he really, really did look like a woman. But anywho, can you believe that the only reason the club is going under is because it’s in a terrifying neighborhood?

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Tobias: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can’t say how or when... or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth, as do my high spirits, so a shopping we must go.

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Maeby: Did you get a job or something?

Tobias: No. No, I didn’t. Unless you consider world’s coolest daddy a job.