Reality Check

  Quick story I've chosen to find amusing.  Kasey knows that I have reduced the amount of fast food we eat to once a month and completely banned McDonald's.  I still don't have a car so Grandma drove down to take her to dance class yesterday.  So when I am in the other room, what does the four-year-old manipulator do?  Whispers to Grandma, 'Please take me to McDonald's!'  And Grandma does it too (without me knowing)!  It gets better.  I decided to make last night the one night a month and called my mother-in-law and asked her to stop at BK on the way home.  So Kasey ended up having McDonald's and Burger King on the same night.  And if my wife hadn't thought it was so funny, I never would have found out.  Good to know I'm so respected!  LOL

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  But that's not what I want to talk about.  I've decided it is highly unlikely I'll ever be on a reality show since I don't look like a model and don't have an outgoing personality to make up for it.  Therefore, I am giving away all my great reality show stunt ideas for free to anyone whoever gets on one of these shows.  Enjoy.

American Idol:  If I could sing well enough to be on Idol, but then got eliminated, I would not sing a good-bye song.  That is so humiliating.  I would just throw down the mic and tell them to stick it somewhere.  Then I'd storm off the stage screaming profanities while Seacrest tries to cover for me by saying how emotional the whole thing is.  I'd wreck that Coke machine and every piece of furniture in the back room.  I wouldn't be happy until I got arrested.  Oh, I'd also try to break the record for most songs not cleared to be sung.  "What do you mean I can't do 'Y'all Want a Single'?  Korn rules!"

Survivor:  I think obviously the thing to do here is to pretend you're on Lost.  Wander off by yourself.  If someone insists on coming, step aside and stare into space.  When they ask what you're doing, tell them you were just thinking about the deep dark circumstances that arose before you landed on the island.  Then start digging in the dirt to try and find the metal hatch.

The Amazing Race: When you get to a goodplace, like England or something, just stop participating.  Your footage for that episode will be the producers walking behind you waving a contract.  And you'll be like, "Screw that!  Free vacation!"  Then Phil will show up and be like, "This is a first.  A team forgoing a million dollars to better enjoy a trip to another country.  I'm actually quite happy to tell you that you've both been eliminated from the-"  "Shut it, Phil.  I'm trying to watch the changing of the guard."

The Apprentice:  I hate to go back to the temper tantrum, but this would be a good one to do it on when you get fired.  "Keep your stupid fake table, Trump!"  Smash!  Then run through the wall.  Bonus points if Trump wets himself.

Big Brother: First, I would bring a pad and pen with me and not say anything for the first two or three days.  Make everyone else think that putting a mute in the game was one of this year's twists.  Then just start talking one time and explain, "I just don't say much and I like to write."  Use the pad to leave incriminating notes around the house.  'Things to remember: Joe hates Sally'.  Then when you want some privacy, just start announcing things to the camera that CBS would never air.  "Shouldn't you be watching Joey, right now?"  "This reminds me of an episode of The OC- Thursdays on FOX!"  "I would be able to decide who I want to vote out a lot better if I had an ice cold Pepsi!"  Yes, I have given this a lot of thought.

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And now Lyric Trivia # 1!  First, a softball for my friend Jewels. 

"Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight." 

Answer tomorrow...