News and Notes

  Tonight's dinner is popcorn chicken, pretzels and M&Ms.  When I get home on Monday nights after working 36 of the past 72 hours- I crash hard.  I am not doing anything remotely close to food preparation.

A couple of things to pass along regarding my novel.  My contract was accepted and I was assigned to a woman named Maya, who will help me through the process.  It sounds like I will have a book in about two months.  Also, my lovely and talented wife created a website for me last night.  It's pretty primitive for now, but it's a start toward bigger and bigger things.  It's kevinjburke.com and I even have an e-mail there.  It's kevin@kevinjburke.com.

Like I said, there's not much on the site now, but you should still check it out and  remember the name...

Coming later- the best of Byron "Buster" Bluth.  I want to see Arrested Development get at least an 8 in the ratings this Sunday so I can claim personal responsibility for 2 million more viewers than normal.  And if you feel like you're not doing enough to keep AD on the air- go here: Save Our Bluths: An Arrested Development Campaign.

 

...these pretzels are stale...

Sunday Night

  This is what was bothering me at work all day.  I realized that I misspelled 'mere' yesterday.  I've got double the traffic I usually have this week- I guess I got nervous. LOL

  I can't believe the Oscars don't start until 8:30.  No way am I staying up for that.  I have to get up at 4 to go to work!  You can just tell me who won, okay?

Thanks again to everyone for stopping by and leaving comments.  I will be back tomorrow with lots more to talk about.

AD Quotes III

I suppose I should have started with Michael Bluth (Golden Globe winner Jason Bateman) since he is the main character after all.  But I just knew there would be soooo many quotes to choose from since the man interacts with everyone on the show.  Anyway, Michael is the one link to sanity the Bluth family has.  He was all set to abandon his family and move to Phoenix until his father was arrested for massive fraud and his family intervened (or imposed) and had Michael stay to run the Bluth Company.  He is essentially the straight man in this zany cast of characters, but his cynicism is always just under the surface ready to lash out with a one-liner at the next idiotic thing he witnesses.

---

 Michael: I got a job. Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh... never mind. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

---

Michael: I’m running the business a little bit differently.

Oscar: Well, you do the best with what you have. I have lemons, I make lemonade.

Michael: That’s a very positive attitude.

Oscar: But I hate the lemonade business, I hate the grind. You have to grind so many (bleep)ing lemons.

Michael: You’re not a very metaphorical person, are you?

---

Michael: We have a private eye, huh?

Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.

Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then.

---

George, Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it’s like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?

Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

---

Lindsay: Hey, look, it’s not coming from me. It’s George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.

Michael: Well, that’s ridiculous. He’s got you. He’s got our mother. You’d think that would turn him off the entire concept.

---

Michael: We can’t build a house in two weeks. Also, I’m not so sure how “solid as a rock” helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.

---

GOB: You should have stayed with me last night. You could have seen me get some major action from a major blonde. Who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.

Michael: I-I don’t know what you mean. I can’t imagine what that means.

---

Lucille: And it’s so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn’t be a mother now if I tried.

Michael: And that was without even interviewing me.

---

Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.

G.O.B.: He’s a good choice.

Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?

---

Lindsay: Oh, I’m up here, Mike. And I’m not coming down. I’m going to save this tree, no matter what it takes!

Michael: Okay. I’ll see you when you realize what that bucket’s for.

---

Michael: Sure. You know, I-I-I’m happy to cooperate, but I really don’t know anything more than you know. I certainly didn’t, didn’t kill her and drop her in the Back Bay. Boy, I hope that’s not what happened to her.

Officer Taylor: I’m sure it isn’t. (Into radio.) Please send Officer Davis and little Hannah to the Back Bay.

---

Michael: Have you had a chance to type up that report yet?

Kitty: No, I have been Googling your father.

Michael: So I’ve heard.

This Week's Top 10

  My top three remains the same this week, mainly because I didn't have time to listen to that much music and change my tastes in a mere seven days.  Here's what I have been listening to (when I get a chance):

1. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

2. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

3. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

4. Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers- AOL Music: Chemical Brothers: 'Galvanize'

5. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service

6. I Predict a Riot- Kaiser Chiefs

7. Daft Punk is Playing at My House- LCD Soundsystem-AOL Music: LCD Soundsystem: 'Daft Punk is Play...

8. You Wouldn't Like Me- Tegan & Sara

9. Finding Out True Love is Blind- Louis XIV

10. Soft Machine- By Divine Right- AOL Music: By Divine Right: 'Soft Machine'

Realpayer Rhapsody Playlist Adds: None, but I did listen to David Cross' 'Shut UpYou F'ing Baby!' which had me crying tears of laughter.  I even had one of those near death experiences where you can't breath from laughing.  And if you like David Cross, of course you can see him as Tobias on Arrested Development- Sundays at 8:30 on Fox.   (But not this Sunday- it's Oscar night).

FLASHBACK of the week:  AOL has so many videos on demand, that I decided to revisit some of my favorite songs and/or videos from week to week... starting now.

We Used to be Friends is still one of my favorite songs even like two years after it came out.  The video is nothing special, but I wanted to hear this song again so I clicked on it while I was hooking up the Top Ten Videos.  :-)

AOL Music: The Dandy Warhols: 'We Used to Be F...

 

Editor's Pick

  It must be a slow week in Journaltown because AOL has chosen mine as an editor's pick!  (Really slow since I'm second to one about American Idol... :-P)  They also told me my AD pics weren't showing up so I took them down.  Too bad. 

Anyway, I suppose I'll have to watch my language this week, though I usually edit myself pretty good...er, well.   See?  I just edited myself.  I'm awesome.  And if three thousand people reading your journal makes you famous, then I guess I'm famous!   ...Wait, what?  It doesn't?

Actually, it would have been better if I could have been highlighted by AOL in a few weeks (or months) when I have my book in hand and ready to sell.  I guess I'll just have to hold all the new readers' attention until then with more riveting content!  Stay tuned!

BTW, if you think I'm going to start writing about American Idol just to try and hit #1, well, ...I LOVE CONSTANTINE! 

 

...I feel so dirty...  

AD Quotes II

Next up is Lucille, the matriarch of the Bluth family.  Lucille's sense of entitlement is rivaled only by her thinly-veiled disdain for her own children.  Of all the family members, going broke has been the hardest on her, although it often appears that her lifestyle has not been affected at all.

---

Lucille: You tricked me.

Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Trick makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

---

Lucille: Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some...?

Michael: Go ahead, Mom, finish the thought. Every time some children’s hospital needs funding?

Lucille: Nonetheless. We could get a giant checkbook, too. We’re just not that starved for attention.

---

 Lucille: The SEC is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which believe me, he’s not. The man could barely work our shredder.

---

 Michael: And what do you need with one of Mom’s furs?

Lindsay: I’m... cold.

Lucille: So am I. No.

---

Lucille: I may not have her money anymore, but at least I have a live husband.

Michael: She’s lucky to have you as a friend.

---

Lucille: Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I’d eat the inside of your ear.

---

On the next Arrested Development, Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic...

Michael: We have to be courageous.

Lucille: I remember a certain young man who used to say, “But I don’t have bad dreams in your bed.”

Laughter.

Michael: That was Buster.

---

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.

Lucille: Really? Did “nothing” cancel?

---

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.

Lucille: Suddenly playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

---

Jessie: Your father’s religious now? We’ll play that up. It’s very sympathetic.

Lucille: Yeah. Who doesn’t love the Jews?

---

Lucille: I don’t criticize you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

---

Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren’t necessities?

Lucille: Like it was yesterday.

Michael: It was this morning, and now I hear that you’ve hired a crew for the yacht? I’m selling that yacht.

Lucille: Michael, you haven’t heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday.

Michael: I enjoy a bicentennial as much as the next guy, Mom, but we’re not doing that.

---

Lucille: You’re the only child who chose a spouse I liked, and she’s the one who had to die.

Michael: I know. That’s rough for you.

---

Lucille: Luz (the maid), that coat cost more than your house! Oh, that’s how we joke. She doesn’t even have a house.

---

Lucille: Don’t you judge me. You’re the selfish one. You’re the one who charged his own brother for a Bluth frozen banana. I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars?

Michael: You’ve never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you?

---

Maeby: This is so much fun. I can’t believe my mom thought being here would be apunishment.

Lucille: Oh, she thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers.

---

Lucille: I’ll be in the hospital bar.

Michael: Uh, you know there isn’t a hospital bar, Mother.

Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

---

Lucille: When’s the last time you went on a date?

Michael: I just haven’t met anybody who’s not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.

Lucille: If that’s a veiled criticism about me, I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it.

---

Lucille: He’s a beautiful boy. They don’t appreciate him. It’s his glasses. They make him look like a lizard. Plus he’s self-conscious.

---

Lucille: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That’s Lupe, her sister.

Michael: I hope she’s okay.

Lucille: She’s awful. Can barely wash a dish.

---

Michael: So, Mom, I’m trying to find...

Lucille: I don’t know where they are.

Michael: ...these flight records. You know, it’s really more believable if you let me finish.

---

George, Sr.: You know, maybe I should confess to these crimes, save everybody the trouble.

Lucille: Oh, get off the mount. You’re coming home guilty or somehow found not guilty.

---

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.

Michael: I can live with that.

AD quotes

  I was recently visiting my newest and dearest friend Julie's journal and she had put up some Family Guy quotes.  I rarely watch that show, but I got quite a few laughs out of it.  Therefore, I am totally stealing that idea for a worthy cause.  If any of you laugh at even one of these Arrested Development lines and it inspires you to check the show out, then my work here is done.  They'll be one more tear shed when the show is inevitably canceled.  Most quotes are from The OP (see link to the right).  Julie's journal is also linked- but be warned, she is a self-admitted psycho. 

I'm going to start with G.O.B (George Oscar Bluth II) because he is my favorite.  (His name is pronounced like the biblical Job)  GOB, the oldest Bluth son, is a well-meaning, yet self-centered ass.  He's also pretty stupid.  GOB is a struggling magician and a pathetic gigolo.  Regardless of whether he's out for himself or really trying to help the family out, he usually ends up failing.

---

Michael: So this is the magic trick, huh?

GOB: Illusion, Michael!  A trick is something a whore does for money (notices children watching his act) ...or candy!

---

GOB: These guys are pros, Michael. They’re gonna push the tension till the last possible moment before they strip.

 Michael: They’re not going to strip, are they?

 GOB: I told them not to, but I can’t promise that their instincts won’t kick in.

---

GOB: And if I’m going to be staying here...

Lucille: Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out?

GOB: She’s not “that Mexican,” Mom. She’s my Mexican. And she’s Colombian or something. Anyway, it’s over.

Lucille: You’ve got three days.

GOB: Hey... if I can’t find a horny immigrant by then, I don’t deserve to stay here.

---

GOB:(asking what he can eat on the Atkins diet)  What about macaroni...let me finish...salad.

---

GOB: (trying to inspire his brother,Buster, to climb the wall in boot camp) Are you going to let that slide? Are you going to allow your children and your children’s children and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?! Climb that wall, homo!

---

Michael: You know I didn’t set you up, okay? I really think the only reason you and I always fight is that since we were little kids, Dad’s always played us off each other.

GOB: Dad always said that was your fault

---

GOB's wife: I’m in love with your brother-in-law.

GOB: You’re in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

GOB's wife: No, your sister’s husband.

GOB: Michael? Michael!

GOB's wife: No, that’s your sister’s brother.

GOB: No, I’m my sister’s brother. You’re in love with me... me.

GOB's wife: I’m in love with Tobias.

GOB: My brother-in-law?

GOB's wife: I know it can never be, so I’m leaving. I’m enlisting in the army.

GOB: To be with your brother.

GOB's wife: No!

---

GOB: Oh, now you love the Ten Commandments. And yet you’re the one who so conveniently forgot “Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him unless it beith me- thy sweet Lord.”

Michael: I’m not sure that one made it down the mountain, G.O.B.

---

(GOB is trying to hide their father's death from Buster, but is also planning a coffin escape trick to honor him.)

Buster:  But why are you doing a coffin trick on Dad’s birthday?

GOB: Black humor. Say, “Hey, Dad. Look at you. You’re a year older... and a year closer to death.”

Buster: Oh, yeah, I guess that’s kind of funny.

---

GOB: (reading a list of new ideas for the company that his brother, Michael, has provided him with.) ...“31. Bamboo floor upgrades—cheaper, stronger.” I can’t read this word. “32. Wireless ‘crapability.’ ” That one explains itself. “33.”

---

GOB: But I’m the oldest. The matriarch if you will.

---

Marta: Te quiero.

GOB: English, please.

Marta: I love you.

GOB: Great. Now I’m late.

---

George-Michael: Uncle GOB! Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

GOB: Oh, yeah, dozens of times.

---

Kitty: Do you like my outfit?

GOB: Not as much as I like what’s underneath it.

Kitty: GOB!

GOB: No, I need your chair. Get up. I’ve got a letter to write.

---

Michael: I can’t believe she got that driver’s license renewed.

GOB: She didn’t. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking “albino” in the form.

---

George-Michael: You know, it’s so great to be hanging out with you. There are certain things that I can talk to you about that I can’t really with my dad, like, uh... were-were you ever awkward around girls?

GOB: What do you mean? Like if there were three of us and I didn’t know where to start? No, I think I did pretty well. Not a lot of complaints, if you know what I mean. At least not from the girl.

George-Michael: You’re saying I should just be myself?

GOB: And he had to drive her home, so I think I did pretty good. Pretty damn good.

---

GOB: So what brings you here, Michael? I hope it’s not for a handout. I run a pretty tight ship around here.

Michael: With a pool table?

GOB: It’s a gaming ship.  I’ve been on cruises like that, Michael. I’ve eaten at the Captain’s table more than once, if you know what I mean.

Michael: I thought I did until you said, ‘if you know what I mean.’

Save AD!

From the Green Bay Press Gazette:

Thomas Rozwadowski column: Only you can stop the ‘Arrested’ ax

In the past, I’ve used this space to espouse the virtues of indie bands toiling beneath the mainstream radar.

But fighting the good fight for music isn’t necessarily noble. Even without the aid of a pervasive outlet, artists like Devendra Banhart or the Arcade Fire will continue to release great albums on fiercely independent labels.

I’ll still be able to listen. Life goes on.

However, even more so than record sales, one weighty number unfairly saddles subversive TV shows each and every week: the dreaded Nielsen rating. It’s that number — ONLY an obsessed 6 million — which brings me to the boiling outrage of last week’s announcement that Fox is sharpening the guillotine for the funniest show on television, “Arrested Development.”

Now, Fox execs will tell you that the show hasn’t officially been canceled, just slashed by four episodes. But when you’re pulled from May sweeps in favor of Seth MacFarlane’s “American Dad,” isn’t that a little like telling your wife or husband that you’re going to start playing the field even though your long-term marriage prospects aren’t necessarily doomed?

Do you care about this injustice? Should you care about this injustice? Have you even heard about this injustice?

Listen, if your favorite TV show were in danger of getting the ax, I’d wholeheartedly support your cause —- well, unless it were one of those drippy teen soaps on the WB, “Life According to Jim” or anything involving Paris Hilton.

But back to my show.

Let me put it this way. If music relied solely on decimals that determined what we’re listening to and when, 13-year-old girls cranking up Ashlee Simpson would rule the world. That alone should scare you into submission.

Look, if you’ve seen one “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” weep-a-thon, you’ve seen them all. But with “Arrested,” the more episodes you watch, the more rewarding the punchlines. Its twisted characters, sardonic humor and documentary-style approach to comedy is what television desperately lacks and needs — not loudmouths with megaphones. Sorry, Ty.

For those of you already sucked in, the time to mobilize is now. We’re talking local Tobias Funke fan clubs (mustaches optional), Sunday night theme parties (I’ll bring the Cornballer) and hunger strikes (hey, it worked for HomerSimpson).

Now that I think about it, loudmouths with megaphones might not be so bad. Let’s look into it.

If you’re wondering why I care so much about a TV show, I’ve had my heart broken twice by the premature cancellations of “Freaks and Geeks” and “Boomtown.”

So it’s with that fragile history that I come to you, oh powerful TV viewer, to express my disappointment that you’re willing to watch a genius comedy wither away in favor of potential reality tripe like “Who Wants to Marry a Circus Clown?”

Plus, I’m the perfect example of an “Arrested Development” guinea pig. I didn’t even watch the first season until the DVD set was released last year. Upon seeing the uproarious pilot, I was ripping through episodes at the same rate J. Lo runs through husbands.

So Fox, I blame you for not playing up the show’s brilliance more — critical raves, five Emmys and a Golden Globe for actor Jason Bateman — or cramming countless promos down our throats like the No. 1 Nielsen-rated show on television.

I mean, how many of you saw that yawn-inducing “American Idol” spot where some fat dude sings “All By Myself” while Simon Cowell readies a token zinger?

Ugh. Put your hands down. Now please, stick a remote in one at 7:30 p.m. Sunday and join the grassroots cause at www.saveourbluths.com.

E-mail Thomas Rozwadowski at trozwado@greenbaypressgazette.com. However, he recommends you use your time to catch up on past episodes at www.fox.com/arresteddev/ or join the grassroots cause at www.saveourbluths.com.

Bye Bye Blink

Hate to post right after my LOST recap when a lot of people come here looking for it,  (Scroll down or hit the insta-link on the left) but I had to react to the news that Blink 182 is on "indefinite hiatus".

FMQB: Radio Industry News, Music Industry Updates, Arbitron Ratings, Music News

While I can't claim they were ever my *favorite* band, they never put out anything I absolutely hated.  They just quietly flew under the radar as a band I liked but didn't think much about.  And now they're gone.  It's the music world's loss, really.  Still, those guys have had so many side projects over the years, I am sure they are not going away themselves- just the band.

My Top Ten favorite Blink 182 songs:

10. Stay Together for the Kids- Surprising to hear a sad song come out of their usually upbeat style, but it works and is a nice crack at being socially relevant.

9. Down- The third great single off their self-titled work.  Makes it more of a shame that there will be no more.

8. First Date- This one kind of disappeared after it ran its course, but I do hear it on Sirius' punk station sometimes.

7. All The Small Things- Enema of the State was a huge album and I remember this one being played to death.  I can once again listen to it now, though.

6. The Rock Show- Fast paced and effectively captures the sense of urgency inherent with young love.  They're moving to Vegas, damn it!

5. Adam's Song- Their original sad song.  Who knew a punk band could move us with their lyrics?  This one does.

4. Dammit- This is the one where you find out Blink 182 existed before pop stations started playing them.  At least for me it was.  I just love how instantly recognizable it is when it comes on.  The lyrics come in manic spurts like they had to remind themselves to breathe.

3. Feeling This-  Yeah, it got butchered by the Madden 02 soundtrack but the unedited version is great.  I'm glad Sirius still plays it, unlike some Utica radio stations I know...

2. I Miss You- This would be my fave if not for the iconic status of #1.  Just the mellowness and regret is so out of character- it really shows off the range they had as performers and lyricists.

1. What's My Age Again?- The song that made me (and a lot of people) aware of them.  It is also how I measure my age- when it came out, I was twenty-three as mentioned in the song.  Now I realize the song is six years old and it makes me sad.  ...But not really.

LOST- Episode 17- ...In Translation

  Had a brief scare when I walked in the front door five minutes before LOST was about to end and I didn't see the record light on the cable box.  Turns out I just couldn't see it because it was hidden by a Playstation wire.  Now I have another reason to hate you PS2.  It not only keeps me from writing novels, now it has to taunt me too.

  Anyway, tonight's episode of Lost is entitled ...In Translation, which is the cleverest title yet, methinks.  Is cleverest a word or is it most clever?  Most people don't worry about this stuff like I do- we live in a world where funner and funnest have become words on a principle of stupidity.  Okay, enough tangents... I don't know if there was an eyeball this week- my recording started with Jin standing on the beach and immediately going into flashback mode.  It is a scene that was implied in House of the Rising Sun (Sun's episode) and it shows Jin asking for Sun's hand.  He tells Dad about his dream of hotel ownership but seems to get trapped when he accepts Dad's job offer and is questioned on why he gave up his dream so easily.  He saves it by saying that Sun is his dream.  Also important for those who keep score of character's families is Jin mentioning how his own father is dead.  By the way, the bottom of my screen tells me it's 4 days to Oscar, though I have no idea why they would promote a terrible Stallone movie so actively.  I would be ashamed of airing it, myself.

  Back at the beach, Jin has a freak-out when he sees Sun about to take a dip in the ocean wearing nothing but a bikini.  Gasp!  Most of the speaking parts look on in horror as he forcibly drags her up the beach, even knocking her over at one point.  Michael physically steps in but is shocked when Sun slaps him.  The mood is tense as the Korean couple walk away.  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  In Cavetown later, Jin asks Sun in subtitles what is going on between her and Michael.  She says nothing, which makes Jin flashback to their wedding day when Jin had to cancel their honeymoon plans because he just started working for dear old Dad.  Understandable.  He promises a honeymoon in six months when his training is over.  She says she is more important than a car company, but Jin wins her over again with a flower.  The guy should really have more tricks than that, but you stick to what works, I suppose.

  At the beach, Sun approaches Michael at his nearly completed boat and apologizes for the slap.  She says she did it to protect him from Jin, who is capable of more than Mike knows.  Elsewhere, Jin is playing golf by himself when Hurley approaches to make nice-nice.  Hurley's every foreign word gets ignored so he leaves Jin alone to be an outsider.

  On the beach again, Shannon is building herself a shelter and Sayid is impressed by her knot-tying ability.  They make a date for Saturday night by the fire with some rope.  If you ask me, it's a little early for them to be tying the knot.  Meanwhile, Jack finds Michael to give him the latest gossip.  Everyone wants to know who's going on the boat.  There's room for four and three spots are taken.  (Sawyer bought his way on by providing some building material).

  That night, Kate tries to talk some sense into Sun but there is a commotion that stops their conversation.  It seems someone has set fire to Michael's raft.  Michael makes an immediate guess as to who the culprit is and shouts to Sun, "Where is he?" 

  Sun returns to Cavetown to find her husband treating burn wounds and is shocked that he really committed the crime.  Jin flashes back to a meeting with Sun's Dad where he is expecting to be reprimanded for an industrial accident but is instead promoted to new special assistant.  His first assignment is to deliver a message to the Secretary of Environmental Safety that Dad is very displeased.  Later, Jin goes to the man's house and the guy seems quite scared when he learns Jin's reason for being there.  (The keen eye will notice that the man's little girl is watching a television that shows Hurley getting into a car.)  The man is so happy that Jin's message is strictly verbal that he rips his dog away from his daughter's grasp and hands it over to Jin as a gift.  The dog is for Dad but we know from Sun's episode that Jin gives it to his wife.

  It's still night when Sayid approaches Boone about Shannon.  Boone warns him that she'll use him like a tissue and throw him away, but Sayid says he was extending a courtesy, not asking for permission to see her.

  The next day, Jin is tending to his wounds in a stream until Sawyer hits him and knocks him over for messing up his ride.  Elsewhere, Shannon asks Sayid for help with her shelter.  Sayid tells her she is capable of doing it herself and that she should get someone else to help if she needs it.  Shannon makes the logical connection that he has been talking to Boone.  Shannon goes into the jungle to ask Locke where her brother is, but Locke says he doesn't know.  She asks him to deliver the message to stay out of her business.  Locke tells her that everyone on the island gets a new life and she should start hers.

  Sawyer has Jin's hands tied and is leading him forcefully through the jungle.  Sawyer brandishes a knife and tells Jin it's Lord of the Flies time at the beach.  For some reason, this makes Jin flashback to the time when his wife made him a surprise dinner but it was interrupted by work calling on the phone.  In the next scene, Bossman Dad is 'very displeased' with Jin this time for not understanding that 'delivering a message' is a euphemism for murder.  Jin is forced to drive the new hitman back to the scene to see how it's done.  When they get there, Jin hops out before the gunman and goes inside to beat the holy hell out of the Secretary of Environmental Safety.  He tells him that the factory will re-open tomorrow and that he just saved the dude's life.  Try explaining that to the guy's daughter, though.  Jin walks out disgusted with his own actions and tells the gunman that the guy got the message. 

  We then have a replay of the "...Rising Sun" scene where Jin washes the blood off his hands, Sun slaps him and he says he does whatever her father tells him to do...for us.  This is the extended DVD version of the scene, however- the camera lingers when Sun leaves so that we can see Jin break down and cry.

  Things are getting crazy at the beach now as Jack and Hurley try to stop Michael from having a physical confrontation with the tied up Jin that Sawyer has delivered.  As everyone argues, the camera moves in on Jin's ear and the words turn to gibberish- making it pretty clear that Jin doesn't understand anything that's going on.  At least in so many words.  He says something in an insulting Korean tone which makes Michael attack him and demand of Sun what her husband is saying.  Strangely, Sayid and Sawyer agree that the conflict is between Jin and Michael and they stop Jack from being a peacemaker.  The beating continues until Sun shocks the entire crowd by yelling, "Stop it!" in English.  Cover now fully blown, she tells everyone that Jin didn't burn the raft as Jin looks at her more hurt than shocked.

  Back from commercial, Jack and the others are just flabbergasted that Sun understood them all this time.  She tells them that Jin burned himself trying to put out the fire.  Michael asks why the guy ran away then.  Sun asks this in Korean but gets no answer.  Everyone is on edge and arguing until Locke is forced to come to the rescue.  Locke says that none of them would block an attempt to get off the island and they were clearly attacked by the same people that have already clubbed Sayid, kidnapped Claire and murdered either Scott or Steve.  "We're not the only ones on this island and we all know it!" he shouts.  Locke then walks away waving his arm like he's done with the lot of them.  Sun repeats that Jin did not do it, but the party's over now and everyone leaves her standing alone on the beach.

  Later, Michael realizes that he can't save any part of his boat and apologizes to Walt.  He resolves to build a bigger and better boat and Walt asks to help.  Over at the caves, Sun finds her husband packing his bags and leaving.  He won't even speak to her.  In English, she tells him that she was going to leave him.  In Korean, she asks if they can start again from the beginning. 

  Jin flashes back to the fishing village where he reunited with his (very much alive) father.  Turns out he was just ashamed of him.  He tells Dad about his wife and how they're having problems and how they don't talk anymore because he can't tell her about her evil father.  Dad advises that after Jin is done delivering watches to Sydney and L.A., he should just stay in America and save his marriage.  In the present, Jin tells his wife that it is too late to start over.  What a bastard.

That night, Sayid is sitting by the fire when he is approached by Shannon.  She kisses him and repeats the Lockeism about a new life on the island.  Elsewhere, Locke joins Walt for a game of backgammon.  Walt asks if Locke's father was cool and Locke grimly says no.  Then Locke asks Walt why he burned the raft down.  Walt is stunned that Locke somehow knew the truth and admits that he has moved around so much in his short life that he doesn't want to move again.  He likes it on the island.  Locke smiles and says he likes it there too.

In the morning, rebuilding begins for Michael.  Jin approaches with materials and says, "Boat."  The two adversaries begin to work together on the project.  Hurley walks by with his headphones to begin the episode-ending musical montage.  Sayid and Shannon are enjoying each other's company.  Sun is in her bikini again and stands in the lowtide, letting the wind take her towel.  She looks happy.  Charlie brings Claire some tea on the water's edge.  Hurley sits contently in the sand until the song cuts out as finally, finally, finally, his batteries have died.  "Son of a bitch," he mumbles dejectedly.  Funny stuff.

Next week on LOST:  Jack, Sayid, Charlie and Hurley decide to get to the bottom of some island mysteries and discover a rope bridge....that breaks!  There are explosions, gunshots and Hurley gets a rifle pointed at him by the cameraman.

LOST Day

Just a few news and notes for today:

-I finally, finally got my contacts from the doctor.  Kasey says now I look like a normal person.  Gee, thanks!

-Watched I <3 Huckabees last night.  Man, is that one f'd up movie.  I went in wanting and expecting to like it and now even after having seen it, I feel the same way.  It's pretty out there.  I haven't decided my feelings for it yet.

-Got my laptop from ebay and it runs fine but there is just absolutely nothing on it and no memory to add anything to it.  The only thing I can write on is the useless Notepad which you can't even format and when I tried to upgrade, I didn't even have enough space to do that.  Now I have to eventually spend more money just to try and crack the thing open and try to put more memory in.  The lesson, of course, is beware of ebay.

-Some of the people on the LOST message boards have taken to calling Wednesday "LOST Day."  It's kind of sad how often we (meaning I) identify days by what show is on.  We'll see what happens when we have to go the whole month of March without new episodes. 

-I can't wait until tomorrow- it's Survivor Day!

This Week's Top 10

Here's what I've been listening to this week:

1. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

2. Evil- Interpol-AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

3. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee- AOL Music: Ben Lee: 'Awake is the New Sle...(The link goes to the whole album.  'Catch my Disease' starts at 10:54)

4. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

5. Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers-AOL Music: Chemical Brothers: 'Galvanize'

6. I Predict A Riot- Kaiser Chiefs- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

7. Honest Mistake- The Bravery- AOL Music: The Bravery: 'An Honest Mistake'

8. All That I've Got- The Used-AOL Music: The Used: 'All That I've Got'

9. Soft Machine- By Divine Right-AOL Music: By Divine Right: 'Soft Machine'

10. Finding Out True Love is Blind- Louis XIV

Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

'Daft Punk is Playing in My House'- LCD Soundsystem

'Might Makes Right'- Camper Van Beethoven

Make Room For Fatty

  Here's a little something I wrote on the LOST message board the other day.  I thought it was a little too good to get lost in the depths of a heavily trafficked board so I decided to reprint it here.  It is a fake press release about a fake show that I wrote in response to someone speculating that Jorge Garcia, who plays Hurley, was or should get his own show.  A surprising number of people took the thing to be real.  Perhaps I should submit it to Hollywood...

-------------------------------------------------------------------
-Just found this on CHMdb (the Captain Happy Movie Database)

ABC Press Release:
Coming to ABC in 2006!  If you thought Jorge Garcia's life was hectic on Lost, wait until you see what he's in for now!  From the producers of The Honeymooners, The King of Queens, Still Standing, According to Jim and the hit reality show, Who Wants To Marry a Fat Guy? comes the next BIG thing on ABC's Friday night line-up! 

It's "Make Room For Fatty!"  Jorge plays Lawrence Fatt, affectionately called Fatty by his friends and family.  Fatty tries to lead a simple and humble life, but it seems wherever he goes, problems follow.  For one thing, he has to deal with his acid-tongued wife, Sally (Alicia Silverstone), who keeps hounding him to lose weight and follow the Olympic wrestling dreams he had in high school- before he discovered fried Oreos.  (Early critic screenings have yielded praise for Sally's razor-sharp fat jokes. 'Does Fatty want some Oreos?' is sure to become the nation's next catchphrase!)

And if Fatty can get away from his wife, there's always his wise-ass kids to contend with.  His twelve-year-old, Lucian, is obsessed with breasts and poor Fatty often has to defuse his son's schemes to see naked women.  Then there's precocious six-year-old, Brittany, who pulls no punches when delivering her own brand of insults to her father.

Yes, Fatty's homelife is crazy, but surely he can escape to a more peaceful work environment, right?  Think again, viewer!  Fatty is a struggling Teleprompter operator who longs to be on the other side of the camera in the hit show he works for- Wild Harry's Orgy of Reckless Entertainment. (WHORE).  This leads to many hilarious exchanges and confusion as you can surely deduce. 

Fatty:  I want to be on WHORE!  (laughtrack)
Wild Harry: (recurring guest Dave Coulier):  You're so fat, all you can get is a whore!  (laughtrack)
Fatty: Actually my wife is quite attractive...
Wild Harry: Then what are you complaining about needing a whore for?  Now go get me a sandwich!  And you'd better not eat it on the way over here again!  (laughtrack)

ABC has already ordered 13 episodes of this can't-miss show and you won't want to miss a minute of it.

CAST:
Lawrence (Fatty) Fatt: Jorge Garcia
Sally Fatt: Alicia Silverstone
Lucian: Herschel Shenkman
Brittany: Kimberly Ashley Megan Victoria Smith-Johnson
Doris, the horny old neighbor- Liz Sheridan
Narrator: Louie Anderson

Featuring:  Dave Coulier as Wild Harry and Fred Willard as Father John, the drunken and malaprop-spewing priest.

MAKE ROOM FOR FATTY:
Episode 1- Pilot:  Lawrence (Fatty) Fatt wants to relax and enjoy the World Series of Poker, but family and fate keep getting in the way.

2- The Facts of Life: When Fatty's son, Lucian, gets caught peeking in the girls' locker room at school, an embarrassed Fatty must try to explain the birds and the bees- only to discover that his son seems to know more than Fatty!

3- Different Strokes: Fatty resists his wife's urges to join a health club, especially when Father John reveals that the "private" things men do can burn calories.

4- The Duke of Hazard: Just as Wild Harry is about to give Fatty his big break, a freak accident puts Harry in the hospital and Fatty on the unemployment line!  Who can fix this mess? Guest star: Kelly Ripa as God

5- Leave it to Beaver: Fatty finds his homelife even more unbearable when it's his wife's "time".  Can he make it on his fishing trip before she explodes with rage?

6- Who's the Boss?: When Brittany gets in trouble at school for spouting profanities, Fatty and Sally must decide who should punish her... and who's to blame!

7- Chips: Fatty becomes uncharacteristically irritable when his wife bans junk food.  How many different ways can he sneak his beloved snacks into the house?  And what exactly will Fatty have to do to repay his son's assistance?

8- Make Room For Daddy:  Fatty's weight is more out of control than ever and if he ever wants to fit through the front door again, he  has to consider a real diet in this very special episode.  Guest star: Richard Simmons as himself.

9- Queer as Folk: Fatty is stunned when he overhears Wild Harry talking about his life partner, but could it all be a misunderstanding over Board Game night at Harry's house?  Guest star: Bob Saget as Harry's LIFE partner

10- Silver Spoons: When Fatty is mistaken for Santa by some rich old guys, Lucian and Father John talk him into a get-rich-quick scheme that leaves Fatty feeling devoid of Christmas spirit.

11- Mash: When Fatty keeps breaking everything he sits on, he suspects he might need to restart his diet.  But is it all an elaborate plan that Sally has cooked up?

12- New Heart: Fatty's father comes to visit, but it's not a social call.  He is having an operation and wants to say good-bye to Fatty and the family...just in case.  Guest star: Dom Deluise as Poppa Fatty

13- Cheers: Fatty is initially excited when Brittany wants to join the junior cheerleading squad in first grade, but when he sees that grade school has gotten a little racier than he remembers, he tries to get her out of it.  Can this dopey dad get with the times?

LOST- Episode 16- Outlaws

 Previously on LOST: Jack got his dad fired and Kate read Sawyer's letter to Sawyer.

  This week's opening eyeball belongs to no one we know- a small child is being awakened by his mother as an angry man can be heard in the background trying to break down a door.  Mom tells the boy to get under the bed because he will think you're still at grandma's house.  Mom gives him a hug and tells him not to come out no matter what.  We stay with the boy as Mom goes out to confront the man at the door.  After some more sounds of violence and yelling, the noise abruptly stops after the distinctive sound of a gunshot.  The deep single piano notes are all that's left now as the boy watches a pair of cowboy boots enter the room.  Cowboy sits down on the very bed the boy is hiding under and kills himself.

  If you have been watching the show and have any kind of working memory, you will have figured out that this was a Sawyer flashback- and indeed, this horrific vision has woken him up in the middle of the night.  He is quickly distracted from his inner turmoil by some outer turmoil in his tent.  It's a boar and before you can say 'lunchmeat', the thing runs off with Sawyer's tent on its back.  Sawyer gives chase into the jungle but is stopped in his tracks by some haunting whispers- the last one rather clearly saying, "It will come back around."  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  The next morning, Sayid has stopped by to enjoy Sawyer's misery as he cleans up the mess the boar made.  Sayid walks away but Sawyer calls after him, using his real name no less.  He asks what Sayid heard in the jungle after he met the French woman.  Sayid tries to dismiss it as his tired mind playing tricks but does admit to hearing whispers.  Sawyer would like to know what they said, but when Sayid answers the question with a question, Sawyer backs off.

  Sawyer flashes back to a hotel room where his intentions with a beautiful young lady are put on hold by the Terminator.  No, not Arnold, the second one- Robert Patrick.  He's not playing himself though. Sawyer calls him Hibbs and sends the lady down to the bar.  Hibbs tries to make small talk, but Sawyer slams him into the wall and reminds him that he intended to kill him if they ever saw each other again.  Hibbs is actually there to make things right- to make them even for the Tampa job, whatever that means.  Hibbs has brought an envelope containing the vital statistics and known whereabouts of Frank Duckett, who once went by the name of Sawyer and once ruined our Sawyer's life.

Back on the island, Kate is returning her gun to Jack, who is putting them all back in the metal case for safe keeping.  The only one missing is the one Sawyer won't give back.  Kate offers to get it since she is the only one who has a real connection with him, but Jack says he doesn't want her to owe Sawyer anything. 

Elsewhere, Claire tells Charlie that she dreamed about him and invites him on a walk, but he blows her off in typical male fashion.  You know, he pines and pines when she's not there but as soon as he gets her, he doesn't want her anymore.  Men!

  Sawyer is walking through the jungle now and finds his tarp.  He takes it back and storms away until he hears the same whisper again.  "It will come back around."  This time the voice must have meant the boar, because it has come back around to chase Sawyer down and knock him into the mud. 

Sawyer's hot now and back at the remains of his tent, he prepares for a fight as Kate laughs off his notion that the boar is out to get him.  As he walks off with revenge on his mind, he flashes back to the last time he had revenge on his mind- Sydney, Australia- the location of Frank Duckett/Sawyer.  At a dock, he meets up with a man who sells him a gun.  The man warns him 1) that in Australia you can't carry a gun around and 2) the gun he's handing over is meant for killing, so Sawyer had better be prepared to go through with his plan because there's no return policy for chickens.

  In a clearing that looks a lot like the golf course, Hurley and Charlie are tending to the unenviable task of burying Ethan.  Hurley, once again the voice of the fans, speculates that Ethan could rise from the grave and come after them.  Charlie just wordlessly goes about their business, making Hurley ask if he is all right.  At the beach later, Hurley asks Sayid to talk to Charlie about post-traumatic stress in regards to his killing someone.

  Sawyer is on the hunt now but gets stopped by Kate because he is really just no good at it.  She offers her expert tracking services in exchange for a free pass to any of the stuff he's been hording away.  He reluctantly agrees. That night, they make a campfire and play a drinking game called I Never.  The stakes slowly and tensely escalate- here's a rundown of what we learn:

Sawyer has never kissed a man.  Kate has. 

Kate has never been to college and neither has Sawyer.

Sawyer has never been to Disneyland and neither has Kate.

Kate has never worn pink and Sawyer has (in the 80's).

Sawyer has never voted Democrat and Kate has never voted at all.  (I'm sure that would involve using your real name :-) )

Sawyer has never been in love and Kate has.

Kate has never had a one night stand and Sawyer has.

Sawyer has never been married and Kate has.

Kate has never blamed a boar for her problems and Sawyer has.

Kate used the guise of wanting Sawyer's stuff just to spend time with him.

Kate has never carried a letter for twenty years because she couldn't let go of her baggage.

Kate and Sawyer have both killed someone.

In a nod to how many reruns there are of LOST, Sawyer's flashback goes into rerun mode as he relives his Dad entering his room to kill himself.  This time he turns into a boar and Sawyer wakes up in a sweat.  The whisper he heard was a rerun too.  Sawyer discovers that the boar wrecked all of his stuff and not Kate's.  Then Locke stops by to tell them the story of how his little sister died when they were young and his foster mother blamed herself.  A golden retriever mysteriously appeared soon after and Foster Mom thought it was Sis come back to tell her it wasn't her fault.  A silly notion, Locke admits, but the point seems to get through to Sawyer.

  As Sawyer contemplates this, he thinks back to the time when he met up with Frank Duckett at Duckett's shrimp truck.  I guess that's the Australian equivalent to a hot dog stand.  Anyway, Frank is all nice and stuff and even offers an American discount, causing Sawyer to chicken out and drive off.  It was the most tense and riveting shrimp preparation scene I have ever seen!

  Later at a bar, Sawyer gains a drinking buddy in a man we know to be Jack's father.  They get to talking and Jack's dad admits that he holds no grudge with his son, but he is too weak to pick up the phone and tell him so.  Ironically, he mentions how the Red Sox will never win the series when speculating that some people were just meant to suffer.  He then tells Sawyer to take care of his business instead of drinking, of course not knowing that he is telling him to kill someone.  Sawyer then heads out in the rain and returns to the shrimp truck.

  Sayid finds Charlie on the beach to talk to him about what happened.  Sayid tells the story of how he felt remorse about being on an almost justifiable firing squad.  He tells Charlie that he is not alone and shouldn't act like it.

  Elsewhere, Kate and Sawyer find the boar's home.  Kate gets disgusted when Sawyer starts tormenting a little piglet and leaves him to find his own way home.  Sawyer then flashes back to when he went through with the killing of Frank Duckett, only to learn that he had been set up.  Duckett was just a man who owed Hibbs money- he wasn't Mr. Sawyer.  That's what you get for shooting first and asking questions later.  You might find this interesting- Frank's last words are, "It will come back around."

  Sawyer stumbles through the jungle calling for Kate when he finds Big Daddy Boar instead.  Sawyer raises his gun and they stare each other down, until Sawyer sees Kate standing nearby and admits that "it's just a boar." 

  At the beach, Claire watches as Michael and friends have nearly completed the boat.  Charlie approaches feeling much better and they finally go on that romantic walk in the sunset.  Elsewhere, Sawyer returns his gun to Jack and admits that he made some kind of deal with Kate.  When Jack inexplicably mentions how the Sox will never win the World Series, Sawyer puts two and two together and figures out that he has met Jack's dad.  Sawyer seems stunned to learn that the man died, but fails to mention how they had met in Australia.

  Next week on LOST:  Michael must decide who goes on his completed boat with him, Sun cries, Jin dies and Locke finally shouts the obvious to the heavens- "We are not the only ones on this island and we all know it!"

This Week's Top 10

1. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

2. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

3. I Predict A Riot- Kaiser Chiefs- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

4. The Bucket- Kings of Leon- AOL Music: Kings Of Leon: 'The Bucket'

5. New Slang- The Shins-  Yahoo! Music Videos Player

6. Walking With A Ghost- Tegan & Sara- AOL Music: Tegan & Sara: 'Walking with a Ghos...

7. Honest Mistake- The Bravery- AOL Music: The Bravery: 'An Honest Mistake'

8. Finding Out True Love is Blind- Louis XIV

9. All That I've Got- The Used- AOL Music: The Used: 'All That I've Got'

10. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service- Yahoo! Music Videos Player

Realplayer Rhapsody Playlist Adds:

-Born in the 70's- Ed Harcourt

-You Wouldn't Like Me- Tegan & Sara

- Galvanize- The Chemical Brothers

 

AD in danger!

See? I wasn't kidding around!  Arrested Development has already been displaced from May sweeps in favor of the atrocious looking American Dad and will only produce 18 episodes this season. 

Read the article: Endangered "Development"? - Feb 10, 2005 - E! Online News

Please sign the petition: SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!! Petition

LOST- Episode 15- Homecoming

  Previously on LOST: Ethan took Claire!  (All right already- we know!)

  We open on Charlie's dear sleeping face until he is disturbed by some commotion from within the camp.  But it's only Locke carrying an unconscious Claire in his arms so he rolls over and goes back to sleep.  Didn't buy that one, did you?  Actually he's quite excited, but so is everyone else and Dr. Jack has to tell everyone to back off for a minute so he can check on her.  He tenderly rouses her out of her sleep, but she is not too happy when she wakes up.  She backs away from everyone screaming in terror- apparently she has no idea who any of them are.  Cue creepy LOST title screen.

  Claire uses the commercial break to calm down, but she still can't remember anything after the plane crash.  Jack explains about the crash and that the baby is still alive inside her while Sun and Jin look on having a subtitled conversation.  One might deduce that Jin is trying to trap his wife into admitting she understands what is going on around them, but Sun successfully plays dumb.  Elsewhere, Locke gets pretty snippy with Boone when he starts asking questions about Claire and Ethan.  Locke makes sure to be extra creepy so that we the viewer will suspect him of something.

  Meanwhile, Charlie gets Claire situated in her bed and they begin to talk.  When she asks if they are friends, he stays honest and says yes- not trying to trick her into loving him like in that Goldie Hawn movie.  Wouldn't have worked anyway, since he returned her journal.  All this reconnecting gets Charlie thinking back to the time when he and a buddy schemed to get drug money by seducing some lovely young ladies.  One flick of the jukebox and Charlie, the young rock star, is in their good graces.

  At the beach, Sayid questions how a severely pregnant woman could escape from someone as calculating and tough as Ethan.  Charlie is uncharacteristically quick to anger about all the Claire talk (and for no good reason I might add) and says he is going to actually spend some time with her instead.  On his way back he runs into Jin and tells him how wonderful it must be to live in blissful ignorance of Ethan, monsters and French transmissions.  Jin stops him at the sound of something whoosing in the brush and is subsequently knocked over by a flying projectile.  It wasn't an accident either- it was an Ethan attack.  Big E lifts Charlie by the throat and tells him that if Claire is not returned to him, he will kill one survivor everyday until she is.  Just to make sure he feels the full effect of this threat, he tells Charlie that he will be last.  (Next to last, I say.  He's not going to kill Claire obviously!) 

  Later at the shore, Jack and Charlie agree that they should hunt down and kill Ethan, but Locke advises against this foolish plan.  His own plan is to set up traps and guards at both the beach and the caves. 

Later still, Claire worries that Charlie is the only one talking to her and that something is happening.  Charlie assures her that everything is fine and flashes back to when Lucy from the pub brought him back to her place after their first date.  As she prepares tea, Charlie looks around and eyes a flask that oddly enough sets off the tense and creepy LOST soundtrack.  He finds out that it belonged to Winston Churchill and agrees to meet Lucy's dad at a dinner.

  Kate approaches Jack about the hot topic of the day- Ethan and Claire- and suggests opening up her case and using the guns.  That's a whole can of worms Jack doesn't want to open.  At the beach, Locke and Sayid set crude traps and discuss the appointment of sentry duty, which Boone volunteers for.  No one seems concerned that Boone is a certifiable screw-up.

  That night, Charlie once again voices his concern over the protection of Claire and flashes back to dinner with Lucy and her dear old dad.  When asked about his band, Driveshaft, Charlie gets more personal than the question asked for and admits that he and his brother have had a falling out and the band is probably dead.  The next day, Charlie's pal expresses dismay that Charlie has accepted a position in Dad's copier company since he was only supposed to be in the relationship to steal something he could pawn off for drug money.

  The tense night continues for the survivors and, wouldn't you know it, Boone has started to fall asleep on sentry duty.  He is jerked awake the next morning by one of the tripwires being set off and runs to investigate.  Lucky for him, it's a false alarm- it's just Vincent the dog.  Before they can plan the welcome home party, they hear a scream and run to the beach.  It seems Ethan has struck as promised and everyone's favorite background character Steve is dead.  No wait, it's Scott.  All the patrols didn't matter because somehow the body washed in from the ocean.  Hurley suggests it was an accident, but not too many drowning victims have broken necks, arms and fingers.

  With Claire not remembering anything, Hurley takes his position as the understudy eulogy giver.  Scott Jackson had won the trip as a prize from work.  Now he's dead and we're down to the final 45.  Back in Cavetown, the extras look understandably nervous since they are clearly first in line to slaughter.  Claire confronts Shannon about why everyone is staring at her and learns that Charlie lied to her about what's been going on.

  Claire tells him off for his deception which causes him to flash back to his preparation for the first day of work.  A weekend with no drug fix has left him a sweaty mess, but he passes it off as nerves when Lucy gets close to fix his suit and tie.  When she steps out of the room to get him his surprise, Charlie swipes the Churchill flask and sticks it in his inside pocket.  Lucy's surprise was a new briefcase and a ride in to work, which seems to put some doubt in Charlie's mind.

  Back at the caves, the reality of Scott's death has pushed up the sense of urgency in Jack and he decides to show Locke the guns in Kate's case.  Locke takes one with his now patented creepy smile.  He doesn't say, "Locke and load!" but I wish he would have.

  That night, Charlie protests Claire being used as bait, but he has no case since Claire herself says she'll do it.  Having been defeated, Charlie flashes back to a comical montage of his first sales pitch where he can't quite get the product he is selling to work properly and finally just gets sick and throws up on the thing. 

  The three gun-toting men still have one more gun to hand out and for whatever reason, Jack decides to recruit Sawyer.  He has shot a polar bear after all.  Kate, as usual, pouts at not being included, but Sawyer gives her the marshall's gun.

  It was a dark and stormy night, not fit for man nor cliche, and Claire stumbles around the woods trying to lure Ethan out ofhiding. After a few tense moments, she succeeds and takes off running.  Ethan's prowess is as wildly inconsistent as Jason Voorhees' here- he can lift Charlie with one hand, but he can't overtake a pregnant woman on the run?  He closes in quickly but is intercepted by Jack's flying tackle.  The gun has been lost on the ground, so they start round two of their fist fight.  Jack is so motivated to win this time, that he overtakes Ethan before the back-up can even get there to draw their weapons.  The man is down, but Jack gets in an extra punch or two or twenty.  If I didn't know better, I'd think they were foreshadowing something there.  Finally, someone (Sawyer) thinks to point the gun at Ethan but before they can ask him anything, he is blown away quite unexpectedly.  Charlie has picked up Jack's gun and killed the survivors' best chance for some answers to the island's mysteries.  Can't say I blame him, but was one question too much to ask?

  At sunrise, all is peaceful again and Jack has a heart to heart with Charlie about what happened.  Charlie says there was no way he was going to take any chances with that animal.  Charlie bites his nails and flashes back to the time when he showed up on Lucy's doorstep begging for forgiveness.  He had gone to the hospital for his illness and was subsequently busted for being a junkie and having the flask.  Lucy tells him to take a hike and that he will never take care of anyone.  He probably doesn't realize how haunting that notion will become.

  Night falls one more time.  Hurley puts on his headphones, which amazingly still work.  Sayid and Shannon form a loving circle with their bodies and Claire comes over to make peace with Charlie.  She remembers peanut butter and she wants to trust him.  The End.

  Next week on LOST: Kate and Sawyer do some bonding and Sawyer kills Jack. 

Career Update

Big week for my writing career.  1) I've actually gotten off my butt and started looking again in regard to how to get published.  I keep getting letters from all kinds of self-publishing companies but I can't seem to shake the notion that someone should be paying me to write, not the other way around.  Still, if they take a credit card, it might just be better to get the book out there.  It's certainly not making my career by sitting in the computer.

2) Madden '05 is not as all consuming a hobby as I thought it would be, probably because it's not all that different from '04.  The new features added to the franchise mode are more tedious than fun and I'm pretty sure I will break the shackles of the Playstation fairly soon and get back to writing #2.  That's Book #2, not...you know. LOL

3) The best thing happened yesterday that I anticipate will help me greatly.  My wife won an e-bay auction on my behalf and practically stole a new laptop.  With the freedom of portability, I can now go in the bedroom to write when my girls hog the computer or not lose a day of writing when I go to visit my mother.  This is going to be huge for me. 

This Week's Top 10

Wholesale changes made to the Top Ten this week as I got to listening to a lot of new stuff this week.  It was high time I swept away the last remnants of 2004 and started my notes on '05.  Interpol scored big again with a second song reaching "favorite" status.  If they keep it up, I may have to change who my favorite band is.

1. Evil- Interpol- AOL Music: Interpol: 'Evil'

2. I Predict A Riot- Kaiser Chiefs- LAUNCH: Music Video Player

3. Catch My Disease- Ben Lee

4. All That I've Got- The Used- AOL Music: The Used: 'All That I've Got'

5. New Slang- The Shins- LAUNCH: Music Video Player

6. Walking With A Ghost- Tegan & Sara- AOL Music: Tegan & Sara: 'Walking with a Ghos...

7. We Will Become Silhouettes- The Postal Service- LAUNCH: Music Video Player

8. Honest Mistake- The Bravery- AOL Music: The Bravery: 'An Honest Mistak...

9. Soft Machine- By Divine Right-AOL Music: By Divine Right: 'Soft Machine'

10. Finding Out True Love is Blind- Louis XIV

One Sentence Reviews

I know a lot of people just don't have time to read One Minute Reviews in the newspaper so I've sped things up with the first ever (but probably not) One Sentence Reviews.  Of course, these are for the movies I've rented recently because I rent a whole lot more than I actually get to go to the movies...

Cellular is fast paced, exciting and a whole lot better than I expected. (Grade: A)

Collateral weaves a fantastic story through action, drama and character development when you least expect it. (Grade: A)

The Grudge is a stupid retread of the notion that children are scary, which just doesn't work for me. (Grade: C)

The Forgotten has promise in the beginning but the twist is so lame, it just kills the movie dead. (Grade: D)

Alien Vs. Predator is serviceable as a franchise extender- I wasn't expecting much and I was neither disappointed nor overly excited. (Grade: C+)

Without A Paddle has its moments but it is not the raucous comedy the commercials want you to think it is. (Grade: C+)

Anchorman underwhelmed me at first, but before I could get up to turn it off it threw in some good stuff- basically this is a hodgepodge of jokes that either work or don't but Ferrell was going to try them no matter what. (Grade: B)

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle is definitely rent-worthy- it aims low and delivers exactly what you think it is. (Grade: B)

The Chronicles of Riddick has very little in common with its vastly superior parent, Pitch Black: while PB was a tense and claustrophobic sci-fi monster movie, C of R is a pseudo-political mess that tries to create a mythology around a one-note character. (Grade: C)

LOST- Episode 10: Raised by Another

Originally posted 12-02-04:   LOST- Episode 10: Raised by Another

  Previously on LOST- they picked up the French woman's transmission and Sayid went off on his own.

  We begin with an eye opening wide- it is Claire's eye and she has been awakened by the sound of an infant crying.  Strangely enough, she is no longer pregnant.  She hears the crying repeatedly- it leads her into the jungle where she finds Mr. Locke at a table playing with a deck of cards. But this is not just any Mr. Locke, this Locke's eyes are made out of one black stone and one white stone. He tells Claire that since she gave the baby away, everyone must now pay the price. She leaves him and finds a crib with a strange mobile hanging over it. Instead of Elmo or Winnie the Pooh, this mobile is decorated with Oceanic airplane models. Claire digs through layer after layer of blanket inside the crib but all she finds is... BLOOD!

  Of course, she wakes up screaming and it takes a while for Charlie to calm her down and tell her she was dreaming. Or was she? For her hands are covered in...BLOOD! Cue creepy LOST title screen...

  Back from commercials, Jack ends the suspense immediately by telling Claire that she balled her fists so tightly that her fingernails drew...BLOOD! I'll stop that now, I swear. Jack starts laying into her with the doctor questions- when he asks her how far along she is, it triggers a flashback to when she and her boyfriend, Thomas, found out she was pregnant. They are both unsure of what to do, but eventually Thomas convinces her to keep the baby.

  Later in the jungle, Charlie brings Claire some tea and finally makes a real move on her, offering his friendship.  Yeah right, buddy, we all know what you really want!  Anyway, she shoots him down without having to say anything other than "Charlie..."  After he leaves, Claire closes her eyes and thinks back to the time when she and her friend went to visit a psychic.  He takes her hands and immediately proves his credentials by asking when she found out about the baby.  But then things go horribly wrong!  The psychic gets a pained look on his face, breaks his grip and tells Claire to leave.  "What a freak!" friend says. 

  Back to reality, where once again Claire is sleeping soundly.  That is until a hand covers her mouth and we get flashes of her being attacked.  There's even the classic Hollywood knife sound effect.  After break, Claire is screaming for help which arrives in the form of most of the cave boys.  She says that someone tried to stab her with a needle and hurt her baby.  Moments later, Hurley tells Jack that no one was found lurking around the perimeter.  You know we're building toward a Hurley episode when he starts making points and revealing stuff about himself.  Basically, he wants to take a log of everyone on the island, just so they know who's who.  Maybe if they all know each other, they will stop attacking each other.  Also, his name is not Hurley- it's Hugo Reyes (sp?).

  Elsewhere, Charlie comes to comfort Claire and promises to look after her.  He says he won't leave her, which we suspect she has heard before.  Claire thinks back to the time when Thomas came home and told her the relationship wasn't working out.  Cold-hearted snake!  They argue- he accuses her of getting pregnant on purpose and leaves without looking back.

  The next day on the beach, Hurley has begun his census and approaches Locke.  Locke answers the questions politely, making sure to be mysterious enough for Hurley to want to get away from him.  Why were you in Australia?  Looking for something.  Did you find it?  It found me.  I mean, what's the point?  Just say, 'I was going on safari, my dear chap'.  Meanwhile, Jack and Charlie are conducting their own investigation of Claire's attack and disagree on whether or not something actually happened.  Charlie defends his would-be girlfriend's sanity and storms away.  I've been watching Jack in slow mo and fast forward a lot now and he tends to look down or back and forth a lot.  I think this is Matthew Fox brilliantly conveying the uncertainty inherent with having leadership forced on him.  Whether he is or isn't doesn't matter now- either way you will not stop noticing it and will join me in calling him Bobblehead.  Back to Hurley, who has met Ethan Rom from Ontario.  He was the guy helping Locke hunt last time.  They make awkward small talk and Hurley excuses himself.  Now why would they make a point of showing that guy, you ask?  I heard he's Tom Cruise's cousin, that's why.  [Editor's note (2-2-05): Just saw him last night in The Grudge, now available on DVD.  Don't even know his name, but the highlight of that movie was getting to say, "Hey look, it's Ethan".  That moment gets added to "Hey look, Hurley is on Becker and Hey look, Jin is in Spider-man 2.]

  Jack returns to Cavetown and tries to convince Claire that pregnancy has caused her to go off the deep end or something to that effect.  He even offers a mild sedative.  Obviously, Claire doesn't take kindly to this and storms off, determined to return to the much safer beach.  As she walks through the jungle, she thinks back to the time when she knocked on the psychic's door, determined to find out what had freaked him out so much.  He agrees to try again and this time things get even weirder.  He insists that the baby is in great danger and must have its mother in its life in order to protect it.  Claire MUST NOT give the baby up for adoption.  Slightly freaked out herself now, Claire blows off his advice and leaves.

  This is rare.  We return from a commercial in a new flashback scene.  The psychic is now calling Claire in the middle of the night begging her not to give up the baby.  This is one psychotic psychic.  That's almost a tongue twister!  Maybe not.  Back in the jungle, Charlie catches up to Claire and tries to talk some sense into her.  She says she's not crazy and keeps on walking.

  On the beach, Shannon and Boone are not taking kindly to Hurley's questions.  Boone suggests that Hurley would have a lot easier time of it if he just obtained the plane's manifest.  This is, of course, possessed by Sawyer.  Hurley asks real nice like and gets surprisingly little resistance from Sawyer.  Maybe if they keep getting along, they can start an Alias fan club.  Get it?

  Back to the jungle again, where Claire and Charlie continue to argue until they are interrupted by Claire going into labor.  Charlie rolls up his metaphorical sleeves and is prepared to deliver the baby, but Claire insists that he go and get Jack.  Even more so after he reveals that he is a recovering drug addict.  So Charlie runs off, bumps into Ethan and passes him the Jack-fetching baton, so that he can go back to Claire. 

  While Charlie was gone, Claire kept herself occupied by flashing back to the time when she was about to sign over her baby to a Melbourne couple.  Things were going smoothly until not one, but two pens were out of ink.  We in the writing business call that a sign.  Claire apologizes and leaves, saying she can't do it.  The actress playing the adoptive mother really gets the most out of her scene, tugging at my heartstrings by shouting NO!  Powerful stuff, whoever you are.  In the very next scene, Claire is knocking on the psychic's door, asking him what his proposal is.

  In the present, Charlie returns and Claire tells him about the psychic.  The writers make up for all the times they wrote Claire out by giving her yet another flashback scene.  In this one, the psychic has completely changed his tune and is no longer recommending Claire raise the baby herself- instead he wants to give her $12,000 to go to LA and give the baby up.  Charlie helps her realize that the psychic was yanking her chain about the couple in LA- he just wanted to make sure she was on the doomed plane so she would be forced to raise the baby herself.  Now that she thinks about it, he WAS pretty insistent that she get on Oceanic Flight 815 tomorrow.  That's Oceanic... Flight 815... tomorrow!

  Elsewhere, we finally get a glimpse of Sayid as he limps through the jungle in quite a hurry.  Then Charlie and Claire decide to get up and go back to the caves.  Turns out she was just going through some false labor and she is fine for the moment.

  In Cavetown, Sayid stumbles into camp panicked and dehydrated.  He tells Jack, Kate and Locke that he found the French woman and that they are not alone.  Hurley races through the brush and gives our heroes some more interesting news.  The manifest and his personal census don't match up entirely.  One of them was not on the plane...

  And not coincidentally, we see Ethan greeting Charlie and Claire on the path back home.  He is looking super creepy, so Charlie instinctively puts his arm around Claire and we fade to black as both look fairly distressed.

[Editor's note (2-2-05): Next week we return live with a fresh episode of LOST.  Oh man, I said fresh- I can't even watch the WB because I find that so annoying.  Anyway, this NEW episode of LOST features Ethan choking Charlie!  Be there!]