Make Room For Fatty

  Here's a little something I wrote on the LOST message board the other day.  I thought it was a little too good to get lost in the depths of a heavily trafficked board so I decided to reprint it here.  It is a fake press release about a fake show that I wrote in response to someone speculating that Jorge Garcia, who plays Hurley, was or should get his own show.  A surprising number of people took the thing to be real.  Perhaps I should submit it to Hollywood...

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-Just found this on CHMdb (the Captain Happy Movie Database)

ABC Press Release:
Coming to ABC in 2006!  If you thought Jorge Garcia's life was hectic on Lost, wait until you see what he's in for now!  From the producers of The Honeymooners, The King of Queens, Still Standing, According to Jim and the hit reality show, Who Wants To Marry a Fat Guy? comes the next BIG thing on ABC's Friday night line-up! 

It's "Make Room For Fatty!"  Jorge plays Lawrence Fatt, affectionately called Fatty by his friends and family.  Fatty tries to lead a simple and humble life, but it seems wherever he goes, problems follow.  For one thing, he has to deal with his acid-tongued wife, Sally (Alicia Silverstone), who keeps hounding him to lose weight and follow the Olympic wrestling dreams he had in high school- before he discovered fried Oreos.  (Early critic screenings have yielded praise for Sally's razor-sharp fat jokes. 'Does Fatty want some Oreos?' is sure to become the nation's next catchphrase!)

And if Fatty can get away from his wife, there's always his wise-ass kids to contend with.  His twelve-year-old, Lucian, is obsessed with breasts and poor Fatty often has to defuse his son's schemes to see naked women.  Then there's precocious six-year-old, Brittany, who pulls no punches when delivering her own brand of insults to her father.

Yes, Fatty's homelife is crazy, but surely he can escape to a more peaceful work environment, right?  Think again, viewer!  Fatty is a struggling Teleprompter operator who longs to be on the other side of the camera in the hit show he works for- Wild Harry's Orgy of Reckless Entertainment. (WHORE).  This leads to many hilarious exchanges and confusion as you can surely deduce. 

Fatty:  I want to be on WHORE!  (laughtrack)
Wild Harry: (recurring guest Dave Coulier):  You're so fat, all you can get is a whore!  (laughtrack)
Fatty: Actually my wife is quite attractive...
Wild Harry: Then what are you complaining about needing a whore for?  Now go get me a sandwich!  And you'd better not eat it on the way over here again!  (laughtrack)

ABC has already ordered 13 episodes of this can't-miss show and you won't want to miss a minute of it.

CAST:
Lawrence (Fatty) Fatt: Jorge Garcia
Sally Fatt: Alicia Silverstone
Lucian: Herschel Shenkman
Brittany: Kimberly Ashley Megan Victoria Smith-Johnson
Doris, the horny old neighbor- Liz Sheridan
Narrator: Louie Anderson

Featuring:  Dave Coulier as Wild Harry and Fred Willard as Father John, the drunken and malaprop-spewing priest.

MAKE ROOM FOR FATTY:
Episode 1- Pilot:  Lawrence (Fatty) Fatt wants to relax and enjoy the World Series of Poker, but family and fate keep getting in the way.

2- The Facts of Life: When Fatty's son, Lucian, gets caught peeking in the girls' locker room at school, an embarrassed Fatty must try to explain the birds and the bees- only to discover that his son seems to know more than Fatty!

3- Different Strokes: Fatty resists his wife's urges to join a health club, especially when Father John reveals that the "private" things men do can burn calories.

4- The Duke of Hazard: Just as Wild Harry is about to give Fatty his big break, a freak accident puts Harry in the hospital and Fatty on the unemployment line!  Who can fix this mess? Guest star: Kelly Ripa as God

5- Leave it to Beaver: Fatty finds his homelife even more unbearable when it's his wife's "time".  Can he make it on his fishing trip before she explodes with rage?

6- Who's the Boss?: When Brittany gets in trouble at school for spouting profanities, Fatty and Sally must decide who should punish her... and who's to blame!

7- Chips: Fatty becomes uncharacteristically irritable when his wife bans junk food.  How many different ways can he sneak his beloved snacks into the house?  And what exactly will Fatty have to do to repay his son's assistance?

8- Make Room For Daddy:  Fatty's weight is more out of control than ever and if he ever wants to fit through the front door again, he  has to consider a real diet in this very special episode.  Guest star: Richard Simmons as himself.

9- Queer as Folk: Fatty is stunned when he overhears Wild Harry talking about his life partner, but could it all be a misunderstanding over Board Game night at Harry's house?  Guest star: Bob Saget as Harry's LIFE partner

10- Silver Spoons: When Fatty is mistaken for Santa by some rich old guys, Lucian and Father John talk him into a get-rich-quick scheme that leaves Fatty feeling devoid of Christmas spirit.

11- Mash: When Fatty keeps breaking everything he sits on, he suspects he might need to restart his diet.  But is it all an elaborate plan that Sally has cooked up?

12- New Heart: Fatty's father comes to visit, but it's not a social call.  He is having an operation and wants to say good-bye to Fatty and the family...just in case.  Guest star: Dom Deluise as Poppa Fatty

13- Cheers: Fatty is initially excited when Brittany wants to join the junior cheerleading squad in first grade, but when he sees that grade school has gotten a little racier than he remembers, he tries to get her out of it.  Can this dopey dad get with the times?