RIP Mitch Hedberg

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Well I just read some terrible, terrible news that unfortunately is not an April Fool's joke.  Mitch Hedberg, one of my favorite stand-up comedians, is dead of apparent heart failure at age 37.  I have been waiting for Comedy Central to replay his special so I can record.  Since I'm sure they will now replay it sometime soon- I feel like I made that wish on a monkey paw.  I have listened to his albums numerous times while hanging out here or playing video games with the sound turned down.  I would try a lot of different comedians, but Mitch was always one I would come back to over and over again- laughing quite hard no matter how many times I had heard the jokes.  I am going to share some of the great stuff from the album I'm listening to now and hope that someday down the road, I will be able to hear this again without becoming a little sad.  I'm sure a brief transcription is not going to do justice to Mitch's deadpan style. 

-Have they told you that we're recording a CD?  So you might pick this up and not recognize your laugh.

-They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime but I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that.

-I like refried beans but I wanna try fried beans because maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time.

-I went to a pizzeria and ordered a slice of pizza- the f'er gave me the smallest slice possible- if the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f'er gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice.  'I would like to exchange this for the "Keep it"!'

-I saw this whino; he was eating grapes.  I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

-Fish are always eating other fish.  If fish could scream the ocean would be loud as sh*t.  You would not want to submerge your head- nothing but fish going, "Awww f**k!  I thought I looked like that rock!"

-The Kit Kat has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate.  That robs you of chocolate!  That's a clever chocolate saving technique.  I'll go down to the factory- "You owe me some letters!"

- I bought a house- it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you?  F you, real estate lady- this bedroom has an oven init!  And this bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV.

- I got a king-size bed.  I don't know any kings, but I guess if one came over, he would be comfortable.  'Oh, you're a king, you say.  Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you.  It is to your exact specifications.  I didn't realize you guys were all the same size.  I think I can set your lady up too.'  When I was a boy I laid in my twin-size bed and wondered where my brother was.

- I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I'm going to put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

-Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? ..."Prices and participation may vary".  I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.  I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner.  I'll say, "Cheeseburgers?  Nope!  We got spaghetti! And blankets."

- I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much.  Three honks, that's the limit.  Then somone cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens.  You're like, "Sh*t!  I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

- I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches.  That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg- potential lunch winner"  Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch...if I'm lucky.

- I shouldn't do this joke because it's going to ruin my cover but, I like the FedEx driver cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

- I remixed a remix- it was back to normal.

- They said you can have this product in four easy payments of $19.95.  I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one f'n complicated payment.  "We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch.  The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination.  Good luck!..."

- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

- I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am and the sign said, "Sorry, we're closed."  You don't have to be sorry.  It's 3am and you're a dry cleaner.  It would be ridiculous of me to expect you to be open.

- I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.  I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

-  I'd like to see a forklift lift up a set of forks- it'd be so damn literal!  You'd be using that machine to its exact purpose!

- I'd be a [terrible] mechanic.  If someone brought their car into me and said, "My car won't start" I'd say, "Well, maybe there's a killer after you."

- I had a job interview, the lady asked me where I saw myself in five years.  I said, "Celebrating the fifth anniversary of you asking me this question."

- I was in downtown Boise, Idaho and I saw a duck.  I knew the duck was lost because ducks ain't supposed to be downtown- there's nothing for 'em there.  So I went to a Subway sandwich shop and I said, "Let me have a bun."  But she wouldn't sell me just the bun.  She said it had to have something on it.  It's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun- I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch.  So I said, "All right, well put some lettuce on there."  They did and she said, "That'll be $1.75". I said, "It's for a duck."  They said, "All right, then it's free."  See, I did not know that.  Ducks eat for free at Subway.  Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich.  "Let me have the steak fajita sub.  Don't bother ringing it up- it's for a duck!"

- I have no trouble not listening to The Temptations- which is weird.

- It's like X wasn't given enough to do so they had to promise it more.  "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but we will give you a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe.  And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses.  And you will mark the spot.  And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier.  And incidentally, you will start 'xylephone', are you happy?"

- I'm sick of following my dreams- I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.