THE GREAT BIG WEDDING ENTRY

  As much as I would love to pepper this entry with pictures, I can't do it just yet.  My wife's camera only took pictures of Kasey and forgot about me and the bride and groom.  When I get sent some other pictures of other people, I will put them up.  I looked totally hot.  And now for my weekend...

  PART 1: THE TRIP

  We left our house at 7 o'clock on Thursday.  First stop was my mom's house.  We arrived in time for the second half of Survivor.  Way to hang in there Stephanie!  Though she almost blew it all for some pizza...  After that, I went and got us Wendy's in my pajamas.  I might as well have gotten dressed though since I ended up getting dragged to Wal-mart in spite of all my best pouting and whining.  It was okay because my wife's quest for shoes to match her outfit ended surprisingly quickly and I needed a notebook and eyedrops anyway.

  The next day we were off on the meat of the trip.  From Albany to New Jersey.  I usually dread this trip because a car ride with Grandma means the four-year-old gets to pick what we listen to.  But not this time.  Amazingly, I was allowed to take my Sirius along with me.  Everyone else may have been grumbling, but I was pacified.  Besides, I had the most to be nervous about of everyone in the car, so I should have gotten my way!  At any rate, the ride went fast for me.

  The first thing we had to do was pick up my tux.  Man, I looked good!  A little too good, which forced God to give me a few pimples so I wouldn't upstage the groom with my sex appeal.  I looked good in the tux, but it's just not my world to be dressed like that.  I even had trouble with the cufflinks and a clip-on tie.  The lady had to do it for me, but she didn't show me how to do it myself...I guess she never heard that Teach Me to Fish proverb thingy.

  After we picked up the Groom (who had nothing to do because the Bride was out getting nails done and whatnot) we headed off to the hotel to check in.  I had forgotten how much New Jersey traffic sucks.  Bergen County is way too populated and you could add ten minutes to a five minute trip just trying to merge onto the highway.  But we made it.  Little did I know, I was in for the funniest moment in family history since my mother mixed up the word 'cob' with the word 'muffin' and asked if we were done with our corn on the muffin.  Only this new moment would belong to my father...

  I was casually getting ice and soda when I saw my dad getting out of the elevator, having just arrived seperately from us.  We exchanged pleasantries and then way too soon for him to have gotten to our room I hear him pounding on a door and using his playful police voice: "Open up!"  Who is it?  "Never mind, just open up!"  Yes, my father was knocking on the wrong door because he had read 209 where it said 229.  Before I could even get over there, he was hastily apologizing to a startled black man.  Once I saw that my father was not going to be injured or arrested, I just about collapsed in hysterics.

PART 2: THE REHEARSAL

  After allowing enough time for traffic we never hit, we arrived at the church for rehearsal.  I don't know about anyone else, but running through everything that was going to happen made me feel more apprehensive.  Only I could screw up something as easy as holding your arm out for a woman to take, but I did it on my own wedding day and I did it again during my practice run as the BEST man.  And they still wanted me to hold on to the rings!

  Dinner was in an upstairs banquet room at Charlie Brown's Steakhouse.  I didn't even know they had rooms like that at a steakhouse and was only a little let down that I wouldn't be having steak.  My mother told me I could go downstairs and buy my own steak, but I thought that would have been rude.  Though lacking in steak-like qualities, the food provided was quite good. 

  Then the Bride and Groom gave me my presents, which is really the only reason to be in a wedding party at all, truth be told.  I received a lovely golden case with my name on it which contained some playing cards.  I plan to take the cards out and use it to hold...something the size of playing cards.  I also got a box set of miniature action figures of Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kreuger and Leatherface.  Classic horror rocks!  Toys rock!  I love it.

  I was not done getting stuff, though.  The Bride and Groom handed out a quiz to see how well everyone knew them.  With a minimal amount of answer-comparing with others at the table, I was able to take home the prize with a score of 12.  My brother seemed quite pleased that his BEST man won.  The prize was a picture frame and the Martina McBride CD that has their wedding song on it.  Girl stuff!  I was hoping for more horror memorabilia.

    I should also mention that Kasey the Flowergirl was getting along with the Ring Bearer famously at this point.  She announced going in that she was sitting next to him and they played together all night.  After he left, she was playing with any older guy she could find.  I have to watch this one already, I can tell.  Also, as we were about to leave, I found her shouting Arrested Development quotes at the priest who would preside over the wedding.  Nothing says 'bad father' like a four-year-old screaming "I ain't your daddy!" in a puppet voice to a priest.  Oh well- it's all good.  I was just happy she explained to him what the quote was from or that might have seemed really strange! 

PART 3: THE WEDDING

    Finally, the big day came, and after hastily writing down my toast in the bathroom, then hanging around watching the end of TOYS starring Robin Williams  (man, how do some movies ever get made???), we got ready.  Things went smoothly, except when I stepped on Mom's dress in the hall.  In my defense, it was too long!

  Small town churches book things tight, I guess, and we ended up waiting outside the church for over half an hour as a funeral went on inside.  By the time it was over, it was the exact scheduled time for our service and everyone was out there colliding.  A little awkward seeing the sad people trying to make their way through the happy people, but there were no fights.  I was one of the first inside and was immediately thought to be the groom.  Told you I was hot.  I corrected their error and we were on our way to the front of the church to hide from the arriving Bride.

  Groom and BEST man both admitted that we had to pee and considered the possibility that it might be a really long time before we got a chance to.  So we checked every door for a bathroom but were thwarted at every turn.  At one point, I even propped a door open with a brick so the Groom could run downstairs to the basement bathroom.  Unfortunately, all the doors were locked down there too.  Ten seconds after he came back, mass started and we were sent out.

    I did not screw up the linking arms, thank God.  I was really self-conscious about that part.  Father Jim screwed up way more than I did- even mixing up the names at the start of the vows, telling the Groom to start, 'I, Laurie...'  Plus, my father stepped on mom's dress way worse than I did because she almost fell.  I had one word to say, "Do you have the rings?"  "YES."  That went smoothly.  The ceremony was beautiful, my little Flower Girl behaved and did well, and I didn't screw up the exit arm hooking either. 

PART 4: THE LIMO: 

  We could tell right away that the limo ride was going to be interesting.  When we got in, the driver asked us which way to go.  I didn't quite catch this, but my sister says he said, 'I know the way, but I'm too tired to remember'.  That wouldn't be the worst part, however. 

  Kasey started it, but the girls were getting just a little too excited about passing by the hotel we were staying at.  One lean-over to see and a hard brake later, and my cousin's girlfriend had spilled champagne all over my sister's dress.  They spent most of the trip trying to dry that off.  It stained, but luckily it was hardly noticeable and dried quickly.

  As for the driver, he ended up going the right way, while the other two limos made a wrong turn.  We ended up being the first ones there.

PART 5: THE RECEPTION

  Cocktail hour was held in an epicly gorgeous hall in a Garden of Eden-like atmosphere.  I didn't get to see much of it though, because the wedding party got dragged off for pictures.  I wasn't in as many of them as I thought I would be as the BEST man...but man did we end up being hungry.  The queen of the waitresses was very nice and brought a plate of food out to us...just as the photographer shouted, "I need the entire party now!"  It would have been funny if not for being so torturous.

  Next we were herded downstairs to prepare for introductions and we finally got to pee!  As we were lining up, my sister's partner- the Bride's brother- took a call on his cell phone and actually said, "I'm in my sister's wedding- I'll call you back."  At the top of the stairs, the Ring Bearer started throwing a temper tantrum and wanted no more to do with any of us.  He would only stand there and cry so I had to grab him under the shoulders and toss him down the stairs to his dad, who was also in the party.  It was funny, but I regretted that I had to be seen before I was introduced.

  What wasn't fair about all of this is that while everyone else got to loosen up and have fun at this point, I still had to be nervous about my toast.  I can't tell you how many times I checked my pocket to make sure it was still there.  Thankfully, my part came almost immediately after that 'first dance' crap. 

  Though I swear it wasn't my voice coming out of the microphone and my hand was shaking more than Michael J. Fox, I somehow managed to knock it out of the park.  My brother hugged me, and all night I kept hearing how great my toast was and that you can tell I'm a writer.  I brought everyone to tears and laughter with my gift for words and I was proud. 

    I don't dance.  But thankfully, most of the others in the bridal party didn't either.  After making sure that I wouldn't have to participate in any stupid games (because there were none), I was content to sit back and try to enjoy the food- which I didn't get to do at my own wedding!  The DJ didn't talk to me at all, which was great- I think he was too distracted by the Lesbians.  The party was a lot of fun- I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time and even managed to network without having to do anything.  I got not one, but two offers to have a cover designed for my novel by a professional lay-out artist.  I was glad, because so far we have paid this publishing company a lot of money to do absolutely nothing.

PART 6:  THE END

  When things were finally over, and the people setting up for the next party practically kicked us out, it was time for the after-party.  But first, it was back to the hotel.  On the way there, we saw a midget.  An honest to God midget, Jewels!  Then a lot of us hung around the room and watched The Price is Right Special.  Later we went to the hotel bar, but my wife and I didn't stay long because it was too loud and smoky and Kasey was clearly not going to stop dancing at any point unless we forced her to.  That's right- while every other kid was sleeping by the end of the reception from all the running around and dancing, Kasey was still raring to go at the hotel bar.  I'm sure I said this already, but we will have to watch her for sure.  She threw a tantrum to end all tantrums back at the room, and then fell asleep two seconds after putting her head down.

  There are many more stories to be told, because a lot of stuff happened.  I didn't even mention one of my cousin's not being able to come because she had her baby on the eve of the ceremony.  The baby and mom are doing great and are home by now.  April 16th is going to be a VERY special day from now on, that's for sure.

  I will be back as the days and weeks goon, as we obtain more pictures and I remember more stuff.  For now, I am wiped out!